As much and as hard as I have worked on being authentic and real, I still have more to go.
I notice that before I say or do things I think of the consequences, I change things, lighten things, etc. in order to manipulate what I think the outcome would be. And I am not talking about huge manipulations just minor ones.
Such as how to tell someone that I love that I need something from them. Instead of just telling them and asking them if they will do it, I find myself trying to convince them, or saying it in a way that would be more appealing to them.
This may seem like no big deal to most but to me it is. It is because if I can't trust myself to real I will never be able to trust anything anyone else is saying or doing. I am always questioning what everyones ulterior motive is.
On the same note trying to slightly convince someone of something is not trusting. Its the opposite of trusting, its try to force things. No matter how slight it is, it is still not trusting. And I intend to live my life and in faith and trust.
The concepts I refer to all the time are:
"Everything happens for a reason."
"Everything is perfect."
I am starting to truly live by these more and more and but as I said, I still got a little ways to go.
I am grateful for my growth and how authentic of a person I am now and I have no doubt that any of my "hidden" areas with have light shined onto them. It is my intention to live free and REAL.
Change within stillness, trust, confidence and the unknown.
I haven't posted in quite some time. Even as I set the intention to write often, I slip out of expressing myself and fall back into the old habit of staying in my own mind.
Today has been very reflective and I must say, not much has changed over the past few months in my life yet it feels as if everything has changed.
I don't have any evidence to show or explain how my life has changed. From another persons perspective that would be looking at my life from the outside, I am sure they would say nothing at all has changed. Yet some how it has.
I guess the biggest change is that I am ready for life. Everyday I am more and more ready for whatever life has in store for me. Sometimes I look back and see how challenging my life has been, how nothing has really gone smoothly for me and this used to scare me. To be honest it still does at times, but more and more I am ready to see what comes next. The fear is melting away of it being bad, which it might. It might just be more challenges and more pain. But it also might be greatness, excitement, joy, love... I am more ready today than I was yesterday and the day before that or before that.
Am I scared to see what life has in store for me? Boy am I. But I am now at a point where I am learning to trust, I am learning to relax (just a little! lol, I said learning) and try not to control every moment. I am becoming more flexible, a little more confident, curious, and just surrendering.
Instead of trying to force life to go my way with every once of energy I have, I am learning to relax and just observe what unfolds before me. This has not been easy and at times I fall back into old habits but just the mere fact that I can even do it a little, is so beautiful.
So my point....... I don't have any changes or wonderful progress to report. Same job, same school, same relationship situation, same living situation. But I am freer than I ever have been. I anticipate that it(the feeling of being free) will only increase. Words can not describe the type of progress I feel. Perhaps it isn't progress, perhaps its more of undoing of limitation. Undoing the mental and emotional restrictions, I have placed on life. What ever it is, Today I am just a little more free!
In the next year or so my life is going to change in some very drastic ways and what can be the scariest thing is I really don't know what those changes will be, I just know they are coming in every area of my life I am at a place of transition, of some type of movement being the only option. Graduation, Living Situation changing, Relationship changing, much much more.
Next year, I could be married in a new house and a baby on the way or I could be single in a wonderful job enjoying lots of new experiences or anything in between. But thats wild, I just don't know what my life will look like a year from now and unlike a lot of people I don't even have a clue of what it will look like.
The only thing I know is I am me.
What ever this change I feel (trust, confidence, faith) is and even if its only for the moment or for a few moments, I look forward to watching it expand and feel more and more of it. I am sure it will be tested, thats what life has been about for me, but all I can say is how I feel right now. And right now I am just a little less scared of change and a little more free. I don't know what life has in store for me but I know it will be interesting at the very least. Big changes, I think.
I just felt the urge to write tonight.
Life is OK. :-)
Today has been very reflective and I must say, not much has changed over the past few months in my life yet it feels as if everything has changed.
I don't have any evidence to show or explain how my life has changed. From another persons perspective that would be looking at my life from the outside, I am sure they would say nothing at all has changed. Yet some how it has.
I guess the biggest change is that I am ready for life. Everyday I am more and more ready for whatever life has in store for me. Sometimes I look back and see how challenging my life has been, how nothing has really gone smoothly for me and this used to scare me. To be honest it still does at times, but more and more I am ready to see what comes next. The fear is melting away of it being bad, which it might. It might just be more challenges and more pain. But it also might be greatness, excitement, joy, love... I am more ready today than I was yesterday and the day before that or before that.
Am I scared to see what life has in store for me? Boy am I. But I am now at a point where I am learning to trust, I am learning to relax (just a little! lol, I said learning) and try not to control every moment. I am becoming more flexible, a little more confident, curious, and just surrendering.
Instead of trying to force life to go my way with every once of energy I have, I am learning to relax and just observe what unfolds before me. This has not been easy and at times I fall back into old habits but just the mere fact that I can even do it a little, is so beautiful.
So my point....... I don't have any changes or wonderful progress to report. Same job, same school, same relationship situation, same living situation. But I am freer than I ever have been. I anticipate that it(the feeling of being free) will only increase. Words can not describe the type of progress I feel. Perhaps it isn't progress, perhaps its more of undoing of limitation. Undoing the mental and emotional restrictions, I have placed on life. What ever it is, Today I am just a little more free!
In the next year or so my life is going to change in some very drastic ways and what can be the scariest thing is I really don't know what those changes will be, I just know they are coming in every area of my life I am at a place of transition, of some type of movement being the only option. Graduation, Living Situation changing, Relationship changing, much much more.
Next year, I could be married in a new house and a baby on the way or I could be single in a wonderful job enjoying lots of new experiences or anything in between. But thats wild, I just don't know what my life will look like a year from now and unlike a lot of people I don't even have a clue of what it will look like.
The only thing I know is I am me.
What ever this change I feel (trust, confidence, faith) is and even if its only for the moment or for a few moments, I look forward to watching it expand and feel more and more of it. I am sure it will be tested, thats what life has been about for me, but all I can say is how I feel right now. And right now I am just a little less scared of change and a little more free. I don't know what life has in store for me but I know it will be interesting at the very least. Big changes, I think.
I just felt the urge to write tonight.
Life is OK. :-)
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