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The Power of Vulnerability: My Greatest weakness

Lately I have been reading a whole slew of books.  Which I typically do as I either get bored of one or need time to process what I have read before I go any further, as everything I read is informative, educational, or self help. But as usual, they tend to compliment each other in some way or another even if they are on totally different subjects.

As I did my daily power walk today, I was listening to an audio book on the energy of the mind and how passion plays a role in the life we create. I had come to the conclusion that I need to get more passionate about what I want to do with my life besides being a mother and wife. I know I have something stirring in me yet I can't seem to connect with it.

These thoughts led me to think about how I was happy in my marriage and also how I was blessed to have the perfect opportunity to make attempts at doing whatever it is I want to do.  Yet, I have no clear vision or idea of what that is. I lack a lot of clarity in what I would love to do with my time when I am not with my husband or son(s).

My grandpa's passing has got me thinking about a lot of things. I really want to enjoy my days as fully as possible. Although I love being a mother and a wife to my amazing husband I know there is more than just that within me that needs to be expressed and experienced.  So I have been thinking a lot about who I want to be in this world, what I want to contribute, and what I want to experience.

Then I heard a talk on vulnerability just a little while ago. I have done a lot of personal growth work and I will continue to do it the rest of my life. But because I have read so many books and have done so much work thus far, I find its becoming harder and harder to find the subjects or thoughts that give me great aha moments and insight.

This talk on vulnerability caused a huge aha moment for me. It's been a little while since I last experienced such a profound moment. This is big for me. Very big.

Although I pride myself on being authentic, I can't say I am able to be vulnerable. Actually I go out of my way not to be vulnerable. How can I be so authentic and not be vulnerable. I'm not convinced it's not possible. Maybe I have just been authentic with my judgments or thoughts, but that doesn't mean I have let anyone see or feel the vulnerable me.

I realized that the only person I am truly vulnerable with is my husband. We share our lives and things with each other that I don't think either one of us would dare tell another soul.  But nothing is perfect and there is always room to grow and evolve.  I'm sure we could do this more often and on a deeper level.  These thoughts also made me realize that you couldn't have true intimacy without vulnerability.

Besides with my husband I think I keep heavy armor on with anyone and everyone else.  I'm always looking for the right thing, the conscious thing, the more evolved thing to think, be, see, or perceive and that is what I communicate.  It's true that I think, see or perceive those things, however anything that is not aligned with what I value and believe in, I would leave out.

I try to express my strengths as much as possible but I don't show my weaknesses or perceived flaws.  I either try to conquer them or keep them to myself.

I consider myself a pretty grounded person and try to come off that way as much as possible. And to be honest, I don't get angry easy, I don't remember the last time I yelled, and I have pretty good control over my emotions compared to the average female BUT I have my moments. For example, put me behind a car with someone driving in a way that I can't stand and you would think that I was possessed.

Another one:
For the last 10 years or so I have belonged to a gym.  For the most part getting myself to exercise is easy. It has become part of who I am. But asking me to eat healthy is a entirely different story.  I still struggle with eating the way that is even best for me and my unborn child at this moment.  Food as a particular power over me that I have never admitted until this moment.

Even now I can see how I have to express some good things before I even feel comfortable enough to share my perceived short comings.

Hmmmmmm....... Let's try one more time.

I lack major self discipline. I start a lot of things without finishing them. I'm lazy way more often than I would like to be and I judge people's driving and egos.

That didn't feel so comfortable.

I could go on but right now that is besides the point. It's obvious that just writing what I believe to be my weaknesses out on a blog is not stepping into being completely vulnerable and definitely not even the tip of the iceberg but it's a good start and to be honest I don't know where to go from here at this very moment.

 I don't want to hide from my weaknesses or short comings any longer. We all know that in doing that I am only lying to myself and is a form of denial.  Something I am openly against.

I clearly don't know where this is going to take me but I can feel I am on the right track. I know that although being vulnerable feels uncomfortable now, it is what I lack and what I need in order to be even more true to my values of authenticity and becoming fully confident and self assure.

I realize that in order to align with my value of authenticity, I must learn to be vulnerable.  Removing the veil of numbness and denial. I honestly don't know how I didn't see this before. It brings a lot of clarity to things I couldn't quite get a grip of prior to seeing this.

Joy is my goal. I can feel how to be a truly joyful person feels vulnerable, at least to me and it may be the resistance I need to let go of  which I have been looking for. As stated in the audio book I am listening to "If you are not experiencing something you desire, it is absolutely sure there is something within you resisting it." I have joy in my life in a lot of areas, but I feel it lacking in some other areas.  Not willing or able to be vulnerable is definitely a resistance.

I don't know how quickly or deep I can take this. I doubt my ability to be a truly vulnerable person.  But I can promise I am going to explore this and really do some work with it.

I'm not perfect and I hope it's time I stop trying to be.




The grieving process and my mind. The loss of a great man.



My Grandpa ended his journey here in the physical world on Friday March 15th, 2013.

He is one of the most amazing men I have ever known and feel so blessed that he was such a huge part of my life (Joel and I lived with him for 11 years, we moved out less than a year ago).

He was diagnosed with leukemia a few weeks back and started chemo almost immediately. So I had a few weeks to accept what was happening, I knew in my heart that the chemo would kill him as it did but either way with or without it, his time was coming.

I am glad it came quickly for him and he didn't suffer or struggle. He was already becoming miserable and angry with what was happening. At 83, he lived a long life, touched so many lives and will definitely leave his mark in this world.

Everyone see's death differently. The heaven or hell stuff for those that are religious. Some think when our body dies that is it. Others like myself who are spiritual yet not religious believe that death means that when our bodies die who we really are becomes part of everything, part of what we came from, and returns to all that is and ever will be (the Source/Creator). To clarify that, I believe my grandpa is now part of me, within me, is everything, and now back to Source. So for the most part I have peace with where he is.

I talk to him, in my mind (not out loud).

The grieving process is different for everyone. Most of the time I am okay, although I have a feeling of deep processing no matter what "mood" I am emitting. I also know that his death was good for him and when I feel sad I am only feeling sad for myself. I do have moments of sadness and tears when I consider not being able to enjoy his physical presence again, But for the most part I feel okay and am very happy that he transitioned so quickly without suffering any further.

Yet, I know something is occurring deep within me because I don't want to talk to others about my grandfathers death. I only talk to my husband about my feelings and I don't mind talking to other people who were close to him about him or about how they are feeling. Other than that, I have no desire and actually will avoid talking to concerned friends or anyone else about "how I am doing". I don't want to be comforted by others as most of the time I don't need to be comforted. I don't want to see or hear the look of sadness or sympathy as people ask me how I am and then want a response. Maybe it's because I don't have an answer, or maybe because most of the time I am okay and won't have a response they are looking for. I know that when I need others I will reach out but as for right now I need time to grieve and process what this means to me by myself or just with my husband. But I know the fact that I feel this way and don't want to talk to others about it means something, I'm just not sure what it means yet.

Another way I can feel something deep within happening is that although I know intellectually my grandpa is gone, I have a hard time hearing people talk about his stuff. To me it is still his stuff. Which really doesn't make much sense on an intellectual level but I am not ready for anything of his to be anything else but his. Even people talking about what his will says and who gets what feels so odd to me. In my opinion it's not time for that.

Yesterday I went to my grandpa's house for the first time since his death. It was not as hard as I thought it would be but I had a few emotional moments. Every single time I looked upstairs and seen his jacket he always wore hanging on his chair, I had a flood of emotions come over me. I can still see him putting his jacket on or taking it off. I feel my grandpa when I look at his jacket.

This morning I was offered his jacket. Although I know in the future it is probably something I will really want because for some reason I really feel my grandpa when I see that jacket, at this time I can not accept and am not ready to. It is still his.

Sometimes I cry for reasons I can not explain, like in this moment. Thinking of him. I want to say it comes from sadness but I am not sure. If it does I am not completely connected to that sadness yet. I just cry.

My grandpa, William R. Hornsby Jr., was an amazing man. He is the example of a Great Man. His love and commitment to my grandma far surpasses anything I have ever seen besides in them. He worked until the day he was hospitalized and diagnosed with leukemia. He took care of anyone and everyone he could. The physical world lost a wonderful man. A hero, Our hero, My Hero.
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