I was reminded the other day about the power of perception and joy in life during a conversation with a very conscious and deeply genius friend. And it recently played a huge role in how I felt after what most would call a bad start to the day.
I was woken up by extreme pain in my upper abdomen. It was a familiar feeling as I had felt it twice before but this time the pain just kept getting stronger and stronger. Being pregnant you would think I would be rushing to the hospital and if it was lower in the area of my uterus I would have been but I knew it wasn't the baby or anything to do with the baby. I had already talked to my doctor about this before and she said it was most likely my gallbladder and would probably have to be removed after I have the baby if the "attacks" continue. I later found out that about 4% of pregnant women start having issues with their gallbladder and that pregnancy can cause or make the condition worse.
So I lay on my bed as my husband is now getting up for work and looks at me helplessly and as he is not sure what he should do, he can tell I felt like I was being tortured. I reassured him that it's not the baby and I just have to get through it. Needless to say after an hour and half of vomiting from the pain and contracting, taking tylenol, and trying every position possible the pain started to subside. Of course immediately I get online to see if my symptoms are aligned with what my doctor said and they were, they are dead on. The exact words I was using to describe it to my husband were being used online to describe gallbladder attacks. So I educated myself on the condition while I lay in bed waiting until the pain decreased enough for me to go back to sleep. I armed myself with a whole list of things to do if it happens again and laid in bed researching alternative treatments.
After some scouring the internet and thinking, I started to feel really really good. I was a little blown away by this feeling at first but I felt so happy, I was on cloud 9. I started to pay attention to what I was thinking and feeling.
Despite just experiencing what some have described as the worst pain they have ever felt, I was extremely happy. I was focusing on the fact that I no longer felt the pain and was pain free. That I felt really warm and comfy in my awesome bed. I was also thinking about how lucky I was that even though I was woken up at 4am with pain and as 7am was rapidly approaching there was nothing I HAD to get out of bed for. That I would still be able to go back to sleep and get as much sleep as I needed. What a wonderful thought!
That led to all the amazing thoughts about my husband, how well he takes care of me, how he enables me to have such freedoms and he provides and fulfills all that I have ever needed and wanted physically and emotionally. I felt so free thinking about all these things. I felt so loved and blessed. My husband truly is my best friend, we talk about everything and anything. We share our day with each other every day, we respect each other, we give immensely to each other and love each other deeply. I don't know how I got "so lucky" but he truly is it all!
Then my thoughts went to on how wonderful my life is. How my relationship with my son continues to grow stronger and stronger, even my two cats are just amazing. And to top it all off we have a little miracle growing inside me, soon to expand our family and love.
I thought of how supportive and reliable my family is. I have a mother I can count on and will love me no matter what, a father who tries his hardest to be the best dad he can be, siblings who truly love me and lots and lots of other family that play significant roles in my life.
I thought of how many loving and caring friends I have. So many for so many different reasons and places in my life and how a lot of these relationships are really starting to bloom and grow. How friendships seem to evolve or dissipate according to my needs and desires in my life without me forcing anything.
I don't think I'm an exceptional person. I try my best to be my best. I work hard on myself, my perceptions, my beliefs, and how I relate to the world but I'm no angel. I have never intentionally hurt anyone and I would be there for anyone I know if they needed me and I was able to but I have my flaws, my weaknesses, my imperfections just like everyone else. How did I end up with such good stuff. Is it the work I do on myself constantly? The perceptions I hold?
I would like to continue down this path however I got here. Continue to enjoy the great things in life. I still have a lot of work to do and my focus could surely use some mastering but I am so grateful for this experience...... this life.
What could've been a very bad start to my day was an absolutely amazing one.
The power of perception!
Showing posts with label consciousness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label consciousness. Show all posts
The Power of Vulnerability: My Greatest weakness
Lately I have been reading a whole slew of books. Which I typically do as I either get bored of one or need time to process what I have read before I go any further, as everything I read is informative, educational, or self help. But as usual, they tend to compliment each other in some way or another even if they are on totally different subjects.
As I did my daily power walk today, I was listening to an audio book on the energy of the mind and how passion plays a role in the life we create. I had come to the conclusion that I need to get more passionate about what I want to do with my life besides being a mother and wife. I know I have something stirring in me yet I can't seem to connect with it.
These thoughts led me to think about how I was happy in my marriage and also how I was blessed to have the perfect opportunity to make attempts at doing whatever it is I want to do. Yet, I have no clear vision or idea of what that is. I lack a lot of clarity in what I would love to do with my time when I am not with my husband or son(s).
My grandpa's passing has got me thinking about a lot of things. I really want to enjoy my days as fully as possible. Although I love being a mother and a wife to my amazing husband I know there is more than just that within me that needs to be expressed and experienced. So I have been thinking a lot about who I want to be in this world, what I want to contribute, and what I want to experience.
Then I heard a talk on vulnerability just a little while ago. I have done a lot of personal growth work and I will continue to do it the rest of my life. But because I have read so many books and have done so much work thus far, I find its becoming harder and harder to find the subjects or thoughts that give me great aha moments and insight.
This talk on vulnerability caused a huge aha moment for me. It's been a little while since I last experienced such a profound moment. This is big for me. Very big.
Although I pride myself on being authentic, I can't say I am able to be vulnerable. Actually I go out of my way not to be vulnerable. How can I be so authentic and not be vulnerable. I'm not convinced it's not possible. Maybe I have just been authentic with my judgments or thoughts, but that doesn't mean I have let anyone see or feel the vulnerable me.
I realized that the only person I am truly vulnerable with is my husband. We share our lives and things with each other that I don't think either one of us would dare tell another soul. But nothing is perfect and there is always room to grow and evolve. I'm sure we could do this more often and on a deeper level. These thoughts also made me realize that you couldn't have true intimacy without vulnerability.
Besides with my husband I think I keep heavy armor on with anyone and everyone else. I'm always looking for the right thing, the conscious thing, the more evolved thing to think, be, see, or perceive and that is what I communicate. It's true that I think, see or perceive those things, however anything that is not aligned with what I value and believe in, I would leave out.
I try to express my strengths as much as possible but I don't show my weaknesses or perceived flaws. I either try to conquer them or keep them to myself.
I consider myself a pretty grounded person and try to come off that way as much as possible. And to be honest, I don't get angry easy, I don't remember the last time I yelled, and I have pretty good control over my emotions compared to the average female BUT I have my moments. For example, put me behind a car with someone driving in a way that I can't stand and you would think that I was possessed.
Another one:
For the last 10 years or so I have belonged to a gym. For the most part getting myself to exercise is easy. It has become part of who I am. But asking me to eat healthy is a entirely different story. I still struggle with eating the way that is even best for me and my unborn child at this moment. Food as a particular power over me that I have never admitted until this moment.
Even now I can see how I have to express some good things before I even feel comfortable enough to share my perceived short comings.
Hmmmmmm....... Let's try one more time.
I lack major self discipline. I start a lot of things without finishing them. I'm lazy way more often than I would like to be and I judge people's driving and egos.
That didn't feel so comfortable.
I could go on but right now that is besides the point. It's obvious that just writing what I believe to be my weaknesses out on a blog is not stepping into being completely vulnerable and definitely not even the tip of the iceberg but it's a good start and to be honest I don't know where to go from here at this very moment.
I don't want to hide from my weaknesses or short comings any longer. We all know that in doing that I am only lying to myself and is a form of denial. Something I am openly against.
I clearly don't know where this is going to take me but I can feel I am on the right track. I know that although being vulnerable feels uncomfortable now, it is what I lack and what I need in order to be even more true to my values of authenticity and becoming fully confident and self assure.
I realize that in order to align with my value of authenticity, I must learn to be vulnerable. Removing the veil of numbness and denial. I honestly don't know how I didn't see this before. It brings a lot of clarity to things I couldn't quite get a grip of prior to seeing this.
Joy is my goal. I can feel how to be a truly joyful person feels vulnerable, at least to me and it may be the resistance I need to let go of which I have been looking for. As stated in the audio book I am listening to "If you are not experiencing something you desire, it is absolutely sure there is something within you resisting it." I have joy in my life in a lot of areas, but I feel it lacking in some other areas. Not willing or able to be vulnerable is definitely a resistance.
I don't know how quickly or deep I can take this. I doubt my ability to be a truly vulnerable person. But I can promise I am going to explore this and really do some work with it.
I'm not perfect and I hope it's time I stop trying to be.
As I did my daily power walk today, I was listening to an audio book on the energy of the mind and how passion plays a role in the life we create. I had come to the conclusion that I need to get more passionate about what I want to do with my life besides being a mother and wife. I know I have something stirring in me yet I can't seem to connect with it.
These thoughts led me to think about how I was happy in my marriage and also how I was blessed to have the perfect opportunity to make attempts at doing whatever it is I want to do. Yet, I have no clear vision or idea of what that is. I lack a lot of clarity in what I would love to do with my time when I am not with my husband or son(s).
My grandpa's passing has got me thinking about a lot of things. I really want to enjoy my days as fully as possible. Although I love being a mother and a wife to my amazing husband I know there is more than just that within me that needs to be expressed and experienced. So I have been thinking a lot about who I want to be in this world, what I want to contribute, and what I want to experience.
Then I heard a talk on vulnerability just a little while ago. I have done a lot of personal growth work and I will continue to do it the rest of my life. But because I have read so many books and have done so much work thus far, I find its becoming harder and harder to find the subjects or thoughts that give me great aha moments and insight.
This talk on vulnerability caused a huge aha moment for me. It's been a little while since I last experienced such a profound moment. This is big for me. Very big.
Although I pride myself on being authentic, I can't say I am able to be vulnerable. Actually I go out of my way not to be vulnerable. How can I be so authentic and not be vulnerable. I'm not convinced it's not possible. Maybe I have just been authentic with my judgments or thoughts, but that doesn't mean I have let anyone see or feel the vulnerable me.
I realized that the only person I am truly vulnerable with is my husband. We share our lives and things with each other that I don't think either one of us would dare tell another soul. But nothing is perfect and there is always room to grow and evolve. I'm sure we could do this more often and on a deeper level. These thoughts also made me realize that you couldn't have true intimacy without vulnerability.
Besides with my husband I think I keep heavy armor on with anyone and everyone else. I'm always looking for the right thing, the conscious thing, the more evolved thing to think, be, see, or perceive and that is what I communicate. It's true that I think, see or perceive those things, however anything that is not aligned with what I value and believe in, I would leave out.
I try to express my strengths as much as possible but I don't show my weaknesses or perceived flaws. I either try to conquer them or keep them to myself.
I consider myself a pretty grounded person and try to come off that way as much as possible. And to be honest, I don't get angry easy, I don't remember the last time I yelled, and I have pretty good control over my emotions compared to the average female BUT I have my moments. For example, put me behind a car with someone driving in a way that I can't stand and you would think that I was possessed.
Another one:
For the last 10 years or so I have belonged to a gym. For the most part getting myself to exercise is easy. It has become part of who I am. But asking me to eat healthy is a entirely different story. I still struggle with eating the way that is even best for me and my unborn child at this moment. Food as a particular power over me that I have never admitted until this moment.
Even now I can see how I have to express some good things before I even feel comfortable enough to share my perceived short comings.
Hmmmmmm....... Let's try one more time.
I lack major self discipline. I start a lot of things without finishing them. I'm lazy way more often than I would like to be and I judge people's driving and egos.
That didn't feel so comfortable.
I could go on but right now that is besides the point. It's obvious that just writing what I believe to be my weaknesses out on a blog is not stepping into being completely vulnerable and definitely not even the tip of the iceberg but it's a good start and to be honest I don't know where to go from here at this very moment.
I don't want to hide from my weaknesses or short comings any longer. We all know that in doing that I am only lying to myself and is a form of denial. Something I am openly against.
I clearly don't know where this is going to take me but I can feel I am on the right track. I know that although being vulnerable feels uncomfortable now, it is what I lack and what I need in order to be even more true to my values of authenticity and becoming fully confident and self assure.
I realize that in order to align with my value of authenticity, I must learn to be vulnerable. Removing the veil of numbness and denial. I honestly don't know how I didn't see this before. It brings a lot of clarity to things I couldn't quite get a grip of prior to seeing this.
Joy is my goal. I can feel how to be a truly joyful person feels vulnerable, at least to me and it may be the resistance I need to let go of which I have been looking for. As stated in the audio book I am listening to "If you are not experiencing something you desire, it is absolutely sure there is something within you resisting it." I have joy in my life in a lot of areas, but I feel it lacking in some other areas. Not willing or able to be vulnerable is definitely a resistance.
I don't know how quickly or deep I can take this. I doubt my ability to be a truly vulnerable person. But I can promise I am going to explore this and really do some work with it.
I'm not perfect and I hope it's time I stop trying to be.
Judgment
Judgment is a something I have been working through lately. Not only my own judgment but how I handle other people's judgment.
It has been my observation that the more conscious a person is the less judgment they have. I believe it comes from a place of everything is perfect and there is never just ONE right way to something. So better said, There isn't a "right" way for anything.
Lately I have noticed my frustrations with other people's judgments. The closer I am to a person or the more I respect them, the more I seem to have a reaction to their judgments. I don't wish to change other people in my life, I only wish to change the way their judgments feel within myself.
I also notice that I can't seem to find a clear conscious perception that feels good to me when someone offers a judgment that I can agree with. This seems odd to me because why would I have a negative reaction to something I may necessarily agree with. And it's because I don't believe that just because I agree with it for myself that the perception is universal and for everyone.
And to take it even further, the more someone has a judgment about me that I don't like, the more I feel resistance to their perception even if it may be something that can be good in my life.
Let's take healthy eating for example.
When someone has judgment of how I should or should not be eating. I find the judgment that they know what I should be eating to be very "human" behavior. Even if it is about eating healthy. Judgment is always ego. And the more people have this judgment the less I want to "buy into" it. Most people think conscious people eat healthy. As I observe the world, I disagree with that entirely. I find most people who eat healthy do it out of fear of some consequence or the desire for a particular body image. Both body image and fear is ego and therefore coming from the human mind and not a conscious evolved place.
I believe there is a million ways so to anything. There is no specific right way with food, with money, with kids, with schooling our kids, with marriage, with politics, with being a child, with being a parent, with health, etc... I can go on forever. A lot of people have bought into the idea that the way they see things is the best way. They prove to themselves that their way is best by comparing their way against others, seeing their way as best. And OF COURSE they do, that is because the brain is built to do that and will always find ways to prove what you believe right.
In order to transcend this we must practice non judgment.
The second I have judgment about something I know I am not being conscious or coming from a spiritual place. No matter what that judgment is about. If I look at someone that is using drugs and judge that they shouldn't be doing that, then I am coming from my human mind that is rationalizing a HUMAN experience. Would most people agree with that judgment, I am sure most people do. That doesn't make it a conscious spiritual perception. Would it be "healthier" for them to not use drugs? Most likely, but that doesn't make it a conscious spiritual perception either. What if this person being on drugs is going to lead to some extreme new art form that we will cherish for centuries to come (Which I recently learned after watching a documentary that almost every master artist had a drug of choice, most of them loved opiates and hallucinogens). What if this person being on drugs is going to lead to them getting sober and discovering a new faster and easier process of getting sober and staying sober?......... This does not mean I support drug use. At this time in my life I choose not to use any drugs and do not wish to have them or anyone using be a big part of my life, however, I don't judge other people's journeys and what is best for them. I can only SEE what is best for me.
I was listening to a webinar today about weight loss and metaphysics. There were some things I disagreed with and some things I agreed with. One of the things he said that made a lot of sense to me was when a lady asked if a vegetarian diet was better for the body. He said, "Don't eat meat for a week and see how your body feels, eat only fish for a week and see how your body feels, eat other meats and see how your body feels, some people feel better while eating meat and some don't. You got to see what is best for you, there is no one diet for everyone" GENIUS! This is the way I think about most things. There is no ONE answer.
When we eat certain foods we feel yucky, for some people the benefit of good tasting food out ways the consequence of feeling inky for a few minutes or how ever long. This doesn't mean that they are wrong, or they need to see things a different way. The only way these people need to see things, is whatever perception with allow them to create the life THEY want to live.
In my opinion the key to life is to enjoy life and learn how to balance the physical reality of what happens when we make certain choices with the desire and intention to enjoy our lives. I do my best to make my choices from consciousness and spirituality. If you have to force something, it is coming from ego.
So back to my current challenges. When I have people around me who have judgments of how I should live for example I should eat the way they think is better, or I should make decisions with my son or future kids the way they think is best, or I should have different priorities, or I should do something different in the way I run my home, all just make me resist that person. But I also noticed when it comes from a person who's opinion I don't necessarily respect all that much it just makes me keep my distance. But when it comes from a person who I am close to, I struggle with their judgment more, especially if it is a person that I would consider more conscious because I see that behavior even worse as a person who believes they are making conscious judgments.
I have quite a few people in my life who are very good at allowing people to be who they are without any judgment of what is best for them and don't need others to make the same decisions they make. I admire and respect people who are like are truly non-judgmental.
My husband is one of these people. He is the most accepting and allowing person I have ever known. He does have some judgments about some things, he is human, however when he is not in human survival mode he is the most non-judgmental person I know. My son is also one of these people, I would love to take credit for it but I believe he has surpassed me when it comes to non-judgment and allowing not only others to be as they are but life to be as it is without judgment. I also have some really amazing friends who make very different decisions than me and don't feel that the decisions they make would be the "better" decision for me too.
To believe you know what is better for someone else, is to think that you are God (in whatever way you believe in a higher power).
I can only turn within and decide what is best for me, not you, not my son, not my friends, not my family, it is all perfect and if the Divine wanted it differently then Source would make it different.
My purpose of writing this as it always is when I write is to work through a challenge that I have not been able to clear. However, After writing this I can feel that I still have some work to do with this because when I think of certain people and their judgments it makes me feel like they believe their decisions are superior, which still causes a very human reaction within! :)
I'll try some gratitude for who I am. I still have judgments in a few areas I am working on, however I love that when talking to someone who is having challenges in their life, I don't claim to know or even feel within that I know what is best for them. I don't expect or even want them to make the same decisions I do. I help people clear what they are going through by hearing what they desire and helping them let go of the thoughts, feelings or actions that is preventing them from experiencing exactly what they desire for themselves. I never choose what I think is best for someone else. My way is not the high way. Their love and joy is the high way for them. That is my only desire when helping others is for them to experience and feel what THEY wish. And I am grateful I don't experience resistance to people making different decisions than myself. I am able to love and help more freely.
I do however have resistance to people who feel their way is better whether they say it or not, it is felt and at this moment I still react from my human mind. I resist other people's judgments about me. I don't really care what others think but when someone has a judgment about me on some level it makes me want to do the exact opposite (which is still a reaction)! My intention is to let go of any reaction or emotion around others judgments even when they involve me.
I see that my feelings about their judgments is in fact a judgment of my own. A judgment I intend to let go of and see only with love.
I end with a quote.
"I’m not perfect for your journey and you’re not perfect for my journey, but I’m perfect for my journey and you’re perfect for your journey. We’re heading to the same place, we’re taking different routes, but we’re both exactly perfect the way we are." ~Steve Maraboli
It has been my observation that the more conscious a person is the less judgment they have. I believe it comes from a place of everything is perfect and there is never just ONE right way to something. So better said, There isn't a "right" way for anything.
Lately I have noticed my frustrations with other people's judgments. The closer I am to a person or the more I respect them, the more I seem to have a reaction to their judgments. I don't wish to change other people in my life, I only wish to change the way their judgments feel within myself.
I also notice that I can't seem to find a clear conscious perception that feels good to me when someone offers a judgment that I can agree with. This seems odd to me because why would I have a negative reaction to something I may necessarily agree with. And it's because I don't believe that just because I agree with it for myself that the perception is universal and for everyone.
And to take it even further, the more someone has a judgment about me that I don't like, the more I feel resistance to their perception even if it may be something that can be good in my life.
Let's take healthy eating for example.
When someone has judgment of how I should or should not be eating. I find the judgment that they know what I should be eating to be very "human" behavior. Even if it is about eating healthy. Judgment is always ego. And the more people have this judgment the less I want to "buy into" it. Most people think conscious people eat healthy. As I observe the world, I disagree with that entirely. I find most people who eat healthy do it out of fear of some consequence or the desire for a particular body image. Both body image and fear is ego and therefore coming from the human mind and not a conscious evolved place.
I believe there is a million ways so to anything. There is no specific right way with food, with money, with kids, with schooling our kids, with marriage, with politics, with being a child, with being a parent, with health, etc... I can go on forever. A lot of people have bought into the idea that the way they see things is the best way. They prove to themselves that their way is best by comparing their way against others, seeing their way as best. And OF COURSE they do, that is because the brain is built to do that and will always find ways to prove what you believe right.
In order to transcend this we must practice non judgment.
The second I have judgment about something I know I am not being conscious or coming from a spiritual place. No matter what that judgment is about. If I look at someone that is using drugs and judge that they shouldn't be doing that, then I am coming from my human mind that is rationalizing a HUMAN experience. Would most people agree with that judgment, I am sure most people do. That doesn't make it a conscious spiritual perception. Would it be "healthier" for them to not use drugs? Most likely, but that doesn't make it a conscious spiritual perception either. What if this person being on drugs is going to lead to some extreme new art form that we will cherish for centuries to come (Which I recently learned after watching a documentary that almost every master artist had a drug of choice, most of them loved opiates and hallucinogens). What if this person being on drugs is going to lead to them getting sober and discovering a new faster and easier process of getting sober and staying sober?......... This does not mean I support drug use. At this time in my life I choose not to use any drugs and do not wish to have them or anyone using be a big part of my life, however, I don't judge other people's journeys and what is best for them. I can only SEE what is best for me.
I was listening to a webinar today about weight loss and metaphysics. There were some things I disagreed with and some things I agreed with. One of the things he said that made a lot of sense to me was when a lady asked if a vegetarian diet was better for the body. He said, "Don't eat meat for a week and see how your body feels, eat only fish for a week and see how your body feels, eat other meats and see how your body feels, some people feel better while eating meat and some don't. You got to see what is best for you, there is no one diet for everyone" GENIUS! This is the way I think about most things. There is no ONE answer.
When we eat certain foods we feel yucky, for some people the benefit of good tasting food out ways the consequence of feeling inky for a few minutes or how ever long. This doesn't mean that they are wrong, or they need to see things a different way. The only way these people need to see things, is whatever perception with allow them to create the life THEY want to live.
In my opinion the key to life is to enjoy life and learn how to balance the physical reality of what happens when we make certain choices with the desire and intention to enjoy our lives. I do my best to make my choices from consciousness and spirituality. If you have to force something, it is coming from ego.
So back to my current challenges. When I have people around me who have judgments of how I should live for example I should eat the way they think is better, or I should make decisions with my son or future kids the way they think is best, or I should have different priorities, or I should do something different in the way I run my home, all just make me resist that person. But I also noticed when it comes from a person who's opinion I don't necessarily respect all that much it just makes me keep my distance. But when it comes from a person who I am close to, I struggle with their judgment more, especially if it is a person that I would consider more conscious because I see that behavior even worse as a person who believes they are making conscious judgments.
I have quite a few people in my life who are very good at allowing people to be who they are without any judgment of what is best for them and don't need others to make the same decisions they make. I admire and respect people who are like are truly non-judgmental.
My husband is one of these people. He is the most accepting and allowing person I have ever known. He does have some judgments about some things, he is human, however when he is not in human survival mode he is the most non-judgmental person I know. My son is also one of these people, I would love to take credit for it but I believe he has surpassed me when it comes to non-judgment and allowing not only others to be as they are but life to be as it is without judgment. I also have some really amazing friends who make very different decisions than me and don't feel that the decisions they make would be the "better" decision for me too.
To believe you know what is better for someone else, is to think that you are God (in whatever way you believe in a higher power).
I can only turn within and decide what is best for me, not you, not my son, not my friends, not my family, it is all perfect and if the Divine wanted it differently then Source would make it different.
My purpose of writing this as it always is when I write is to work through a challenge that I have not been able to clear. However, After writing this I can feel that I still have some work to do with this because when I think of certain people and their judgments it makes me feel like they believe their decisions are superior, which still causes a very human reaction within! :)
I'll try some gratitude for who I am. I still have judgments in a few areas I am working on, however I love that when talking to someone who is having challenges in their life, I don't claim to know or even feel within that I know what is best for them. I don't expect or even want them to make the same decisions I do. I help people clear what they are going through by hearing what they desire and helping them let go of the thoughts, feelings or actions that is preventing them from experiencing exactly what they desire for themselves. I never choose what I think is best for someone else. My way is not the high way. Their love and joy is the high way for them. That is my only desire when helping others is for them to experience and feel what THEY wish. And I am grateful I don't experience resistance to people making different decisions than myself. I am able to love and help more freely.
I do however have resistance to people who feel their way is better whether they say it or not, it is felt and at this moment I still react from my human mind. I resist other people's judgments about me. I don't really care what others think but when someone has a judgment about me on some level it makes me want to do the exact opposite (which is still a reaction)! My intention is to let go of any reaction or emotion around others judgments even when they involve me.
I see that my feelings about their judgments is in fact a judgment of my own. A judgment I intend to let go of and see only with love.
I end with a quote.
"I’m not perfect for your journey and you’re not perfect for my journey, but I’m perfect for my journey and you’re perfect for your journey. We’re heading to the same place, we’re taking different routes, but we’re both exactly perfect the way we are." ~Steve Maraboli
Perception Change - Something Clicked!
Today I went to my friends baby shower and at first I was feeling bored, uncomfortable, insecure and self conscious.
I went to this baby shower alone, the only person I knew there was my friend and of course she was busy the entire time. And this was no ordinary little baby shower. It was a huge co-ed party! DJ, Chocolate fountain, loads of alcohol, etc..
More and more guests starting arriving and everyone else seemed to know each other and had come with their husbands or friends. I just sat there for the longest time.
BUT......
I can't quite explain what it was or how it happened but I literally had a transformational moment.
I was sitting at a table with three couples and their babies. Observing each couple the huge differences between each of them in the way they behaved and acted, was interesting. One woman had just had her baby (baby was five weeks old) and this woman was full of energy, bubbly, energetic, positive, wearing a nice dress with heels. At first I couldn't understand how although sleep deprived she was genuinely in a good mood and with a tiny newborn she had taken the time to get ready and look nice. It was impressive and admirable.
I don't know what my thoughts were exactly but it was something along the lines of how everything is always a choice and a bunch of other empowering stuff. Which were not new concepts to me but for some reason that day they just sank in, to a deeper understanding.
No matter what is going on in my life I still have choices.
I went to the bathroom and in the bathroom I literally went from feeling insecure about being alone, being quiet and not looking my best to just choosing to be confident and be me. I don't quite remember what my thoughts were but whatever they were they totally worked!
I left the bathroom feeling taller, smiling and really really good. I could feel that my posture felt different and everything about me body felt different. All over having different thoughts, it was such an amazing experience to see how thoughts alone completely changed my body and entire demeanor.
Ever since that day I have started to feel more and more like myself again.
I don't necessarily know if it was the woman who chose to take the time to look nice and chose to enjoy herself no matter what else was going on in her life. Or if it was just the right time, place, and circumstances to remind me of all the things I already know and teach to others. But, I do know that something definitely shifted in me that day.
Boy, did I allow myself to get thrown way off track these last few months.
I'm just hoping that I can continue in this direction and with the perception I want and is me, even after I have this next upcoming surgery. After the last surgery I felt like my brain was scrabbled up and that it is now barely coming back together and settling down. I hope I flow through this next surgery more smoothly and am able to stay in perceptions that are more beneficial for me.
I went to this baby shower alone, the only person I knew there was my friend and of course she was busy the entire time. And this was no ordinary little baby shower. It was a huge co-ed party! DJ, Chocolate fountain, loads of alcohol, etc..
More and more guests starting arriving and everyone else seemed to know each other and had come with their husbands or friends. I just sat there for the longest time.
BUT......
I can't quite explain what it was or how it happened but I literally had a transformational moment.
I was sitting at a table with three couples and their babies. Observing each couple the huge differences between each of them in the way they behaved and acted, was interesting. One woman had just had her baby (baby was five weeks old) and this woman was full of energy, bubbly, energetic, positive, wearing a nice dress with heels. At first I couldn't understand how although sleep deprived she was genuinely in a good mood and with a tiny newborn she had taken the time to get ready and look nice. It was impressive and admirable.
I don't know what my thoughts were exactly but it was something along the lines of how everything is always a choice and a bunch of other empowering stuff. Which were not new concepts to me but for some reason that day they just sank in, to a deeper understanding.
No matter what is going on in my life I still have choices.
I went to the bathroom and in the bathroom I literally went from feeling insecure about being alone, being quiet and not looking my best to just choosing to be confident and be me. I don't quite remember what my thoughts were but whatever they were they totally worked!
I left the bathroom feeling taller, smiling and really really good. I could feel that my posture felt different and everything about me body felt different. All over having different thoughts, it was such an amazing experience to see how thoughts alone completely changed my body and entire demeanor.
Ever since that day I have started to feel more and more like myself again.
I don't necessarily know if it was the woman who chose to take the time to look nice and chose to enjoy herself no matter what else was going on in her life. Or if it was just the right time, place, and circumstances to remind me of all the things I already know and teach to others. But, I do know that something definitely shifted in me that day.
Boy, did I allow myself to get thrown way off track these last few months.
I'm just hoping that I can continue in this direction and with the perception I want and is me, even after I have this next upcoming surgery. After the last surgery I felt like my brain was scrabbled up and that it is now barely coming back together and settling down. I hope I flow through this next surgery more smoothly and am able to stay in perceptions that are more beneficial for me.
The day after my Juice fast: I can eat!
I woke up to a thoughtful card my mom had left for me which was very loving.
I was a little hesitant to eat because I wasn't sure how my body would react.
I started to feel hungry about the time I would drink my first juice, so I had my smoothie instead. Luckily the smoothie was pretty watery and not too thick today so it would go down smoothly. The smoothie tasted extremely good compared to my juices and I surely did miss my smoothies. I only had about half of what I would normally drink and then I felt full. A little while later my stomach did become a little hard and I had some cramps but I figured it was my digestive system turning back on. I couldn't have eaten anything healthier than my smoothie. It is a very green smoothie. :)
I also weighed myself this morning and I have lost a total of 15 pounds! 3 to 5 pounds is water weight and will return within the next few days. But that is still 10 to 12 pounds lost. Which is good. I look forward to losing more weight.
I picked up my sister so that we could spend the day together. I had some more of my smoothie a few hours later when I felt hungry again. But before too long I was very hungry in a way I haven't felt for over 10 days. Once that digestion and metabolism turns back on, you can definitely feel it.
So, I was sooooo bad. I gave in and had Jack in the Box. I got one of their breakfast sandwiches with no bacon or yolk on it. So it was pretty much bread, egg whites, cheese and ham. I even had a some hash brown sticks. I know it wasn't healthy but I surely enjoyed it! This kept me full for quite a long time.
Later on in the day I had crazy stomach pains and I had several bowel movements.
My sister, my son and I then went to have dinner with my brother at his favorite vegetarian place. I had the best time. We laughed, had very deep conversations, we made future plans, it was just pure joy. I love all of them very much. I didn't eat much of the food though, I didn't order anything and just tried a bite off of everyone's plates. I still wasn't hungry.
My sister and I then went to Dave and Busters which was fun. I started to get extremely tired towards the end. We didn't eat anything there and I had no desire to either.
When I got home and started getting ready for bed, I had a few organic raisins which were delicious!
It was a great day!
I was a little hesitant to eat because I wasn't sure how my body would react.
I started to feel hungry about the time I would drink my first juice, so I had my smoothie instead. Luckily the smoothie was pretty watery and not too thick today so it would go down smoothly. The smoothie tasted extremely good compared to my juices and I surely did miss my smoothies. I only had about half of what I would normally drink and then I felt full. A little while later my stomach did become a little hard and I had some cramps but I figured it was my digestive system turning back on. I couldn't have eaten anything healthier than my smoothie. It is a very green smoothie. :)
I also weighed myself this morning and I have lost a total of 15 pounds! 3 to 5 pounds is water weight and will return within the next few days. But that is still 10 to 12 pounds lost. Which is good. I look forward to losing more weight.
I picked up my sister so that we could spend the day together. I had some more of my smoothie a few hours later when I felt hungry again. But before too long I was very hungry in a way I haven't felt for over 10 days. Once that digestion and metabolism turns back on, you can definitely feel it.
So, I was sooooo bad. I gave in and had Jack in the Box. I got one of their breakfast sandwiches with no bacon or yolk on it. So it was pretty much bread, egg whites, cheese and ham. I even had a some hash brown sticks. I know it wasn't healthy but I surely enjoyed it! This kept me full for quite a long time.
Later on in the day I had crazy stomach pains and I had several bowel movements.
My sister, my son and I then went to have dinner with my brother at his favorite vegetarian place. I had the best time. We laughed, had very deep conversations, we made future plans, it was just pure joy. I love all of them very much. I didn't eat much of the food though, I didn't order anything and just tried a bite off of everyone's plates. I still wasn't hungry.
My sister and I then went to Dave and Busters which was fun. I started to get extremely tired towards the end. We didn't eat anything there and I had no desire to either.
When I got home and started getting ready for bed, I had a few organic raisins which were delicious!
It was a great day!
Day 10: Last day of the juice fast.
Today was slightly easier than yesterday but I think that is because I knew that it was the last day. Although any smell, picture, or actual food really got to me.
I really hope I am able to continue to make healthy choices after this fast but the things I have been craving for the last 10 days are not very healthy foods.
I re-watched "food matters" with my fiance today in order to try and remind myself how important it is to make sure nutrition comes first. However, I have learned through this process that balance is key.
I love the social aspect of food and I love to enjoy the tastes of foods, they both bring a lot of joy so I hope I am able to find a healthy balance between making sure I make mostly healthy choices in order to get the nutrients that are very important as well as enjoying experiencing the joy that food brings me.
I was a bit sad today but I was dealing with a few issues with my health that get to me sometimes.
I gave in and took my advair for my asthma today because my lungs were just getting too bad. It was becoming concerning.
As of now, I officially made it 10 days on a juice fast without cheating once. I didn't have anything to eat not even as much as a raisin.
I wonder how it will feel start eating again and to be able to taste food again!
Yayyyy!
I really hope I am able to continue to make healthy choices after this fast but the things I have been craving for the last 10 days are not very healthy foods.
I re-watched "food matters" with my fiance today in order to try and remind myself how important it is to make sure nutrition comes first. However, I have learned through this process that balance is key.
I love the social aspect of food and I love to enjoy the tastes of foods, they both bring a lot of joy so I hope I am able to find a healthy balance between making sure I make mostly healthy choices in order to get the nutrients that are very important as well as enjoying experiencing the joy that food brings me.
I was a bit sad today but I was dealing with a few issues with my health that get to me sometimes.
I gave in and took my advair for my asthma today because my lungs were just getting too bad. It was becoming concerning.
As of now, I officially made it 10 days on a juice fast without cheating once. I didn't have anything to eat not even as much as a raisin.
I wonder how it will feel start eating again and to be able to taste food again!
Yayyyy!
Day 9 of juice fasting: So glad its almost over!
Tomorrow is the last day of my juice fast. I will be breaking the fast wednesday morning with a smoothie and then some fruit and veggies for lunch.
Physically I feel okay other than a little bit of light headedness and weakness through out the day. But mentally this was torture.
People have to eat around me and you can't go anywhere without seeing or smelling food!
This definitely did not get easier as the days went by as I thought it would.
My fiance keeps telling me I smell funny. Not bad just like a strong stinging smell like asian food. I am assuming it is from the ginger and garlic I put into my juices.
I'm very excited to enjoy the tastes of foods again.
One more day, Yaaaay!!!!
Good Night!
Physically I feel okay other than a little bit of light headedness and weakness through out the day. But mentally this was torture.
People have to eat around me and you can't go anywhere without seeing or smelling food!
This definitely did not get easier as the days went by as I thought it would.
My fiance keeps telling me I smell funny. Not bad just like a strong stinging smell like asian food. I am assuming it is from the ginger and garlic I put into my juices.
I'm very excited to enjoy the tastes of foods again.
One more day, Yaaaay!!!!
Good Night!
Day 8 of my juice fast: Who said it would get easier?
I had almost no detox symptoms today. I slept late and got tired early.
However, my cravings are getting worse and worse everyday. I can not wait to eat again.
Once I go to bed I have two more days. But in actuality until I can actually eat normally again it will be a bit longer.
My fiance has really noticed the weight loss which is really good especially since he sees me everyday. I don't plan on weighing myself again until the morning after day 10.
I don't think this fast served its purpose in the area of making me want to eat nothing but healthy food. I was eating extremely healthily before I started the fast but now that I am on the fast I crave everything that is bad for me and I honestly can not wait to eat it. I don't know how that will work out as it is not my desire to back track or to start eating unhealthily.
I hope tomorrow is better but I have a suspicion it is only going to get worse.
We'll see tomorrow.
However, my cravings are getting worse and worse everyday. I can not wait to eat again.
Once I go to bed I have two more days. But in actuality until I can actually eat normally again it will be a bit longer.
My fiance has really noticed the weight loss which is really good especially since he sees me everyday. I don't plan on weighing myself again until the morning after day 10.
I don't think this fast served its purpose in the area of making me want to eat nothing but healthy food. I was eating extremely healthily before I started the fast but now that I am on the fast I crave everything that is bad for me and I honestly can not wait to eat it. I don't know how that will work out as it is not my desire to back track or to start eating unhealthily.
I hope tomorrow is better but I have a suspicion it is only going to get worse.
We'll see tomorrow.
Day 7 of Juice Fast: One more day down!
I woke up super early on my own this morning at around 5:30am which has never happened to me. I don't consider myself a morning person and 5:30am is just beyond too early. But I couldn't sleep and was full of energy so I got up and started my day.
I have started to notice how smooth and clear my face is looking. My skin has never looked so good.
My cravings have still not subsided. I have lots of craving and have practically fell in love with food even more through this process which I am pretty sure wasn't the point. However, I am sure I have also learned a lot of discipline and control...... Hopefully I have!
I had a nice long talk with Vicki tonight. We ended up talking for quite a long time until Albert came "home". It was a very deep and healing conversation. It doesn't surprise me as our relationship is built on this kind of stuff but I was surprised how it happened so naturally and how we always seem to go to the exact place that one of us or both of us need.
I attribute a lot of this "talk" or clearing to my fasting. My mind is so quiet that I have become even more aware of my thoughts and feelings. I consider myself a pretty conscious person to begin with but this fasting has definitely cleared my mind to a point that is rare. It really enables me to work through a lot my feelings and thoughts. But it also helps that I am spending a lot of time with Vicki as I said before our relationship is really built on depth and helping each other grow and shift.
We'll off to bed.
I have started to notice how smooth and clear my face is looking. My skin has never looked so good.
My cravings have still not subsided. I have lots of craving and have practically fell in love with food even more through this process which I am pretty sure wasn't the point. However, I am sure I have also learned a lot of discipline and control...... Hopefully I have!
I had a nice long talk with Vicki tonight. We ended up talking for quite a long time until Albert came "home". It was a very deep and healing conversation. It doesn't surprise me as our relationship is built on this kind of stuff but I was surprised how it happened so naturally and how we always seem to go to the exact place that one of us or both of us need.
I attribute a lot of this "talk" or clearing to my fasting. My mind is so quiet that I have become even more aware of my thoughts and feelings. I consider myself a pretty conscious person to begin with but this fasting has definitely cleared my mind to a point that is rare. It really enables me to work through a lot my feelings and thoughts. But it also helps that I am spending a lot of time with Vicki as I said before our relationship is really built on depth and helping each other grow and shift.
We'll off to bed.
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