Lately I have been reading a whole slew of books. Which I typically do as I either get bored of one or need time to process what I have read before I go any further, as everything I read is informative, educational, or self help. But as usual, they tend to compliment each other in some way or another even if they are on totally different subjects.
As I did my daily power walk today, I was listening to an audio book on the energy of the mind and how passion plays a role in the life we create. I had come to the conclusion that I need to get more passionate about what I want to do with my life besides being a mother and wife. I know I have something stirring in me yet I can't seem to connect with it.
These thoughts led me to think about how I was happy in my marriage and also how I was blessed to have the perfect opportunity to make attempts at doing whatever it is I want to do. Yet, I have no clear vision or idea of what that is. I lack a lot of clarity in what I would love to do with my time when I am not with my husband or son(s).
My grandpa's passing has got me thinking about a lot of things. I really want to enjoy my days as fully as possible. Although I love being a mother and a wife to my amazing husband I know there is more than just that within me that needs to be expressed and experienced. So I have been thinking a lot about who I want to be in this world, what I want to contribute, and what I want to experience.
Then I heard a talk on vulnerability just a little while ago. I have done a lot of personal growth work and I will continue to do it the rest of my life. But because I have read so many books and have done so much work thus far, I find its becoming harder and harder to find the subjects or thoughts that give me great aha moments and insight.
This talk on vulnerability caused a huge aha moment for me. It's been a little while since I last experienced such a profound moment. This is big for me. Very big.
Although I pride myself on being authentic, I can't say I am able to be vulnerable. Actually I go out of my way not to be vulnerable. How can I be so authentic and not be vulnerable. I'm not convinced it's not possible. Maybe I have just been authentic with my judgments or thoughts, but that doesn't mean I have let anyone see or feel the vulnerable me.
I realized that the only person I am truly vulnerable with is my husband. We share our lives and things with each other that I don't think either one of us would dare tell another soul. But nothing is perfect and there is always room to grow and evolve. I'm sure we could do this more often and on a deeper level. These thoughts also made me realize that you couldn't have true intimacy without vulnerability.
Besides with my husband I think I keep heavy armor on with anyone and everyone else. I'm always looking for the right thing, the conscious thing, the more evolved thing to think, be, see, or perceive and that is what I communicate. It's true that I think, see or perceive those things, however anything that is not aligned with what I value and believe in, I would leave out.
I try to express my strengths as much as possible but I don't show my weaknesses or perceived flaws. I either try to conquer them or keep them to myself.
I consider myself a pretty grounded person and try to come off that way as much as possible. And to be honest, I don't get angry easy, I don't remember the last time I yelled, and I have pretty good control over my emotions compared to the average female BUT I have my moments. For example, put me behind a car with someone driving in a way that I can't stand and you would think that I was possessed.
Another one:
For the last 10 years or so I have belonged to a gym. For the most part getting myself to exercise is easy. It has become part of who I am. But asking me to eat healthy is a entirely different story. I still struggle with eating the way that is even best for me and my unborn child at this moment. Food as a particular power over me that I have never admitted until this moment.
Even now I can see how I have to express some good things before I even feel comfortable enough to share my perceived short comings.
Hmmmmmm....... Let's try one more time.
I lack major self discipline. I start a lot of things without finishing them. I'm lazy way more often than I would like to be and I judge people's driving and egos.
That didn't feel so comfortable.
I could go on but right now that is besides the point. It's obvious that just writing what I believe to be my weaknesses out on a blog is not stepping into being completely vulnerable and definitely not even the tip of the iceberg but it's a good start and to be honest I don't know where to go from here at this very moment.
I don't want to hide from my weaknesses or short comings any longer. We all know that in doing that I am only lying to myself and is a form of denial. Something I am openly against.
I clearly don't know where this is going to take me but I can feel I am on the right track. I know that although being vulnerable feels uncomfortable now, it is what I lack and what I need in order to be even more true to my values of authenticity and becoming fully confident and self assure.
I realize that in order to align with my value of authenticity, I must learn to be vulnerable. Removing the veil of numbness and denial. I honestly don't know how I didn't see this before. It brings a lot of clarity to things I couldn't quite get a grip of prior to seeing this.
Joy is my goal. I can feel how to be a truly joyful person feels vulnerable, at least to me and it may be the resistance I need to let go of which I have been looking for. As stated in the audio book I am listening to "If you are not experiencing something you desire, it is absolutely sure there is something within you resisting it." I have joy in my life in a lot of areas, but I feel it lacking in some other areas. Not willing or able to be vulnerable is definitely a resistance.
I don't know how quickly or deep I can take this. I doubt my ability to be a truly vulnerable person. But I can promise I am going to explore this and really do some work with it.
I'm not perfect and I hope it's time I stop trying to be.
Showing posts with label Spirituality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spirituality. Show all posts
Everything happens for a reason - Our House Experience
Everything does happen for a reason!
A few days ago escrow closed and we now own our own home. A house that was only possible for us to now have because of a dozen of circumstances that fell perfectly in place.
The first house we had in escrow, I didn't care for too much. Its just that house was the only house in the area we wanted and within our budget at the time. So when the sellers of that house cancelled two days before escrow was due to close, it was disappointing and frustrating at the time. I thought it would be impossible to find another house within our budget in that same area.
Then our agent shows us a house that looked to be way outside of our budget. There initial asking price was $80,000 over our budget which is a huge difference. But because of the events that happened so perfectly we got our gorgeous (perfect in my eyes) home within our budget.
The house had been on the market for 6 months and was listed at its value. However the listing agent who was their family member made a lot of mistakes when they listed the house. They listed it as a Condo when it is nothing close to a condo, they didn't list the school district it was in and its a very highly sought after school district, they were offering way less than the lowest norm for the buyers agent, and they didn't have an easy way to show the house. So for all of these reasons they kept dropping the price of the house trying to sell it.
No one is going to want to even look at a condo (which is what people thought it was from the listing) for that price and not many agents are going to want to show the house as what they would make would be exceptionally low.
Luckily we had an agent with a good heart. When she showed us the house, they were still asking $40,000 more than our budget. She talked them down another $20,000 and got them to agree to pay closing costs. They agreed to pay closing costs as long as we let them stay 30 days after escrow closes as the new house they were buying would not be ready to move into until then other wise they wouldn't have paid closing costs and we wouldn't have been able to buy the house!
This house has been remodeled and updated over the last five years due to last owners believing it was the house they were going to retire in. Until the husband seen some brand new houses being built in San Dimas and decided to buy one. Otherwise they said they wouldn't have put the amount of money that they did into the house if they knew they were going to sell it. It has brand new installation, plumping, floors, kitchen, bathroom, roof, etc. And for Covina that is very, very good. Not a flipped house either, this was quality remodeling and updating.
I still can't believe everything worked out and we got this house which is a million times better than the last one and we only paid slightly more.
If we wouldn't have gone through the whole ordeal with the first house we would have tried buy something else or better settled for something else and we would have never had this opportunity. Then to buy this house at the price we did when its definitely worth almost $100,000 more than what we paid for it. I just can't believe it.
Through this entire experience I have definitely learned that everything happens for a reason. I had gotten so stressed out and lost hope in ever finding a decent home in the area we wanted it and within our budget, and then we end up with something way beyond my expectations.
I should of learned from my experience with Albert. I followed my heart with him and he is beyond what I ever dreamed could have been. Then the house. Hopefully I can take these lessons and learn how to apply them to my health and career.
This was a good reminder of the truths, "Ask and you shall receive" and "Everything happens for a reason".
A few days ago escrow closed and we now own our own home. A house that was only possible for us to now have because of a dozen of circumstances that fell perfectly in place.
The first house we had in escrow, I didn't care for too much. Its just that house was the only house in the area we wanted and within our budget at the time. So when the sellers of that house cancelled two days before escrow was due to close, it was disappointing and frustrating at the time. I thought it would be impossible to find another house within our budget in that same area.
Then our agent shows us a house that looked to be way outside of our budget. There initial asking price was $80,000 over our budget which is a huge difference. But because of the events that happened so perfectly we got our gorgeous (perfect in my eyes) home within our budget.
The house had been on the market for 6 months and was listed at its value. However the listing agent who was their family member made a lot of mistakes when they listed the house. They listed it as a Condo when it is nothing close to a condo, they didn't list the school district it was in and its a very highly sought after school district, they were offering way less than the lowest norm for the buyers agent, and they didn't have an easy way to show the house. So for all of these reasons they kept dropping the price of the house trying to sell it.
No one is going to want to even look at a condo (which is what people thought it was from the listing) for that price and not many agents are going to want to show the house as what they would make would be exceptionally low.
Luckily we had an agent with a good heart. When she showed us the house, they were still asking $40,000 more than our budget. She talked them down another $20,000 and got them to agree to pay closing costs. They agreed to pay closing costs as long as we let them stay 30 days after escrow closes as the new house they were buying would not be ready to move into until then other wise they wouldn't have paid closing costs and we wouldn't have been able to buy the house!
This house has been remodeled and updated over the last five years due to last owners believing it was the house they were going to retire in. Until the husband seen some brand new houses being built in San Dimas and decided to buy one. Otherwise they said they wouldn't have put the amount of money that they did into the house if they knew they were going to sell it. It has brand new installation, plumping, floors, kitchen, bathroom, roof, etc. And for Covina that is very, very good. Not a flipped house either, this was quality remodeling and updating.
I still can't believe everything worked out and we got this house which is a million times better than the last one and we only paid slightly more.
If we wouldn't have gone through the whole ordeal with the first house we would have tried buy something else or better settled for something else and we would have never had this opportunity. Then to buy this house at the price we did when its definitely worth almost $100,000 more than what we paid for it. I just can't believe it.
Through this entire experience I have definitely learned that everything happens for a reason. I had gotten so stressed out and lost hope in ever finding a decent home in the area we wanted it and within our budget, and then we end up with something way beyond my expectations.
I should of learned from my experience with Albert. I followed my heart with him and he is beyond what I ever dreamed could have been. Then the house. Hopefully I can take these lessons and learn how to apply them to my health and career.
This was a good reminder of the truths, "Ask and you shall receive" and "Everything happens for a reason".
Perception Change - Something Clicked!
Today I went to my friends baby shower and at first I was feeling bored, uncomfortable, insecure and self conscious.
I went to this baby shower alone, the only person I knew there was my friend and of course she was busy the entire time. And this was no ordinary little baby shower. It was a huge co-ed party! DJ, Chocolate fountain, loads of alcohol, etc..
More and more guests starting arriving and everyone else seemed to know each other and had come with their husbands or friends. I just sat there for the longest time.
BUT......
I can't quite explain what it was or how it happened but I literally had a transformational moment.
I was sitting at a table with three couples and their babies. Observing each couple the huge differences between each of them in the way they behaved and acted, was interesting. One woman had just had her baby (baby was five weeks old) and this woman was full of energy, bubbly, energetic, positive, wearing a nice dress with heels. At first I couldn't understand how although sleep deprived she was genuinely in a good mood and with a tiny newborn she had taken the time to get ready and look nice. It was impressive and admirable.
I don't know what my thoughts were exactly but it was something along the lines of how everything is always a choice and a bunch of other empowering stuff. Which were not new concepts to me but for some reason that day they just sank in, to a deeper understanding.
No matter what is going on in my life I still have choices.
I went to the bathroom and in the bathroom I literally went from feeling insecure about being alone, being quiet and not looking my best to just choosing to be confident and be me. I don't quite remember what my thoughts were but whatever they were they totally worked!
I left the bathroom feeling taller, smiling and really really good. I could feel that my posture felt different and everything about me body felt different. All over having different thoughts, it was such an amazing experience to see how thoughts alone completely changed my body and entire demeanor.
Ever since that day I have started to feel more and more like myself again.
I don't necessarily know if it was the woman who chose to take the time to look nice and chose to enjoy herself no matter what else was going on in her life. Or if it was just the right time, place, and circumstances to remind me of all the things I already know and teach to others. But, I do know that something definitely shifted in me that day.
Boy, did I allow myself to get thrown way off track these last few months.
I'm just hoping that I can continue in this direction and with the perception I want and is me, even after I have this next upcoming surgery. After the last surgery I felt like my brain was scrabbled up and that it is now barely coming back together and settling down. I hope I flow through this next surgery more smoothly and am able to stay in perceptions that are more beneficial for me.
I went to this baby shower alone, the only person I knew there was my friend and of course she was busy the entire time. And this was no ordinary little baby shower. It was a huge co-ed party! DJ, Chocolate fountain, loads of alcohol, etc..
More and more guests starting arriving and everyone else seemed to know each other and had come with their husbands or friends. I just sat there for the longest time.
BUT......
I can't quite explain what it was or how it happened but I literally had a transformational moment.
I was sitting at a table with three couples and their babies. Observing each couple the huge differences between each of them in the way they behaved and acted, was interesting. One woman had just had her baby (baby was five weeks old) and this woman was full of energy, bubbly, energetic, positive, wearing a nice dress with heels. At first I couldn't understand how although sleep deprived she was genuinely in a good mood and with a tiny newborn she had taken the time to get ready and look nice. It was impressive and admirable.
I don't know what my thoughts were exactly but it was something along the lines of how everything is always a choice and a bunch of other empowering stuff. Which were not new concepts to me but for some reason that day they just sank in, to a deeper understanding.
No matter what is going on in my life I still have choices.
I went to the bathroom and in the bathroom I literally went from feeling insecure about being alone, being quiet and not looking my best to just choosing to be confident and be me. I don't quite remember what my thoughts were but whatever they were they totally worked!
I left the bathroom feeling taller, smiling and really really good. I could feel that my posture felt different and everything about me body felt different. All over having different thoughts, it was such an amazing experience to see how thoughts alone completely changed my body and entire demeanor.
Ever since that day I have started to feel more and more like myself again.
I don't necessarily know if it was the woman who chose to take the time to look nice and chose to enjoy herself no matter what else was going on in her life. Or if it was just the right time, place, and circumstances to remind me of all the things I already know and teach to others. But, I do know that something definitely shifted in me that day.
Boy, did I allow myself to get thrown way off track these last few months.
I'm just hoping that I can continue in this direction and with the perception I want and is me, even after I have this next upcoming surgery. After the last surgery I felt like my brain was scrabbled up and that it is now barely coming back together and settling down. I hope I flow through this next surgery more smoothly and am able to stay in perceptions that are more beneficial for me.
The purpose of all of this!
Anyone who has been reading my blog or knows me personally knows that I have been struggling and held back with a lot of things lately.
I'm not going to complain about my difficulties but I wanted to share what I believe may be the reason for all of this.
There is a reoccurring them about everything that has happened over the last few months, which things appear like they are getting better or going to work out and then they don't, more stuff keeps happening and the experience gets prolonged and I can't move forward.
I believe as always that there is a reason for this.
I think this is all happening and will continue to happen until I focus on myself and find Joy within.
I believe that health stuff will continue to arise and get postponed so that I can't go back to work and we won't find and buy a house that is perfect for us so that I can't focus on moving and I won't have the desire to eat healthy and exercise so that I can't focus on that either......
What I feel may be happening here is nothing is going to work out right now because what I need is to learn to focus within, heal and enjoy every moment instead of be caught up in the distractions of my life, or maybe its to make me learn how to focus on the good things I have in my life now without seeking more, or maybe its to learn how to trust source to take care of me.
But I know there is a reason because one thing after another continues to happen. A surgery that was supposed to take me away from work for 3 weeks is not going into 3 months. We find a house, owners cancel 2 days before escrow closes, we find another house and they say they agree to the terms but won't sign the offer because they want to prolong the process (leaving it open for as many other offers to come in and offer more) so now our offer has expired, so we aren't getting that house either (And I really really really loved that house).
I just feel that life is not allowing me to have anything else to put my attention on and I am bored out of my mind. Some may feel that is a good thing and wish they had it but it doesn't feel good at all. But because my confidence and happiness relies on me being productive and active, all of this makes me feel lost, useless, and overwhelmed. I don't know what to do with my time and I have a craving to do something significant and purposeful yet I am not able to or haven't discovered how to yet.
My anxiety is through the roof when comes to the house stuff and my health stuff. I feel so anxious to move on and move forward yet I continue to be held back.
I know that I need to learn how to focus better on the good, the amazing love and people I have in my life and everything else that is working... And since I haven't been able to do that fully, I know in my heart things are not going to move forward until I can.
One things for sure, we'll see what happens!
I'm not going to complain about my difficulties but I wanted to share what I believe may be the reason for all of this.
There is a reoccurring them about everything that has happened over the last few months, which things appear like they are getting better or going to work out and then they don't, more stuff keeps happening and the experience gets prolonged and I can't move forward.
I believe as always that there is a reason for this.
I think this is all happening and will continue to happen until I focus on myself and find Joy within.
I believe that health stuff will continue to arise and get postponed so that I can't go back to work and we won't find and buy a house that is perfect for us so that I can't focus on moving and I won't have the desire to eat healthy and exercise so that I can't focus on that either......
What I feel may be happening here is nothing is going to work out right now because what I need is to learn to focus within, heal and enjoy every moment instead of be caught up in the distractions of my life, or maybe its to make me learn how to focus on the good things I have in my life now without seeking more, or maybe its to learn how to trust source to take care of me.
But I know there is a reason because one thing after another continues to happen. A surgery that was supposed to take me away from work for 3 weeks is not going into 3 months. We find a house, owners cancel 2 days before escrow closes, we find another house and they say they agree to the terms but won't sign the offer because they want to prolong the process (leaving it open for as many other offers to come in and offer more) so now our offer has expired, so we aren't getting that house either (And I really really really loved that house).
I just feel that life is not allowing me to have anything else to put my attention on and I am bored out of my mind. Some may feel that is a good thing and wish they had it but it doesn't feel good at all. But because my confidence and happiness relies on me being productive and active, all of this makes me feel lost, useless, and overwhelmed. I don't know what to do with my time and I have a craving to do something significant and purposeful yet I am not able to or haven't discovered how to yet.
My anxiety is through the roof when comes to the house stuff and my health stuff. I feel so anxious to move on and move forward yet I continue to be held back.
I know that I need to learn how to focus better on the good, the amazing love and people I have in my life and everything else that is working... And since I haven't been able to do that fully, I know in my heart things are not going to move forward until I can.
One things for sure, we'll see what happens!
Taking responsibility for your own feelings
Taking responsibility for our own feelings!
Although nothing new to me, this has been a reoccurring theme for me lately.
I wonder what the purpose of this idea popping into my life so frequently lately means.
Although nothing new to me, this has been a reoccurring theme for me lately.
I wonder what the purpose of this idea popping into my life so frequently lately means.
I am reading a book all about this concept.
I have also come across several quotes and images that are aligned with this concept.
And the one that is constantly reminding me is, I have someone in my life who tends to blame everyone but themselves for life and continues to hold anger and resentment towards many people for things they have done in the past. Some of these things being more than a decade ago.
I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me feels frustrated and annoyed with their behavior. Another part of me feels very compassionate and sad for this person. Imagine living decades with anger, pain and resentment towards lots of different people. It must be a very painful life.
And this is not about forgiveness, although that comes as a side effect when you start shifting your focus and taking responsibility for your own feelings. It's about taking full responsibility for how you feel, think, act, and never blaming anyone for anything you feel or think.
"No one can make you feel anything without your consent."
We get to choose how we respond to a situation. We get to choose whether we get angry or find compassion, we get to choose whether we walk away or attack. If you choose to get angry, that is not the other persons fault, that is your choice. If you choose to be loving, that is not the other persons doing, it is your choice!
"I am the perpetrator of my suffering - but only all of it." ~ Byron Katie
I love that quote because it explains all of this so simply. If I am upset it is because I have made the choice to be upset. If I am angry it is because I have made the choice to be angry. This is true all of the time!
We get to choose how we feel about things. We get to choose what we give our attention to. We get to choose if we love people or hate them. We get to choose whether we see that everyone is always doing the best they can and nothing is personal or that everyone is purposely doing it against us.
It's all our choice.
"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
Now I am going to take this topic to the extreme because I feel that it could really help it sink in for some people. Let's use an extreme subject.....
Let's say a man murders his wife. The family of this woman that was murdered and their kids have many choices of how to live the rest of their lives. They can choose to see how they could never understand why someone would make such decisions, that he must of been suffering and in major pain in order to do something like that, that the situation caused the family to become closer and that it made them more appreciative of the people they love in their lives or they can choose to hate the guy who did this and think about why this happened to them and how bad the world is.
Either one of these perspectives would be correct, however hating the man doesn't hurt him it only ruins their lives and their own future! So then this man didn't only take one life, it destroyed many. But not because he chose that but because these people/person willingly gave him that.
The point is when you feel something, ANYTHING it is your choice to see things that way. If you currently see things in a way that is not serving you then do the work to see them differently.
It's not easy and you have to constantly do it but its worth it and it goes for EVERYTHING in life.
At this moment in my life I can see how terrible things are for me, I'm not working, my body is not exactly healthy, I don't know what is going on with body, I don't even know if I can have anymore kids, we can't find a house, I'm not losing the weight I want, I'm tired all the time, I experience pain all the time, we don't have the money we need for everything coming up in our near future.... shall I go on. Or I can see how amazing things are, I have an amazing man who is taking very good care of me, I have a beautiful son who is extremely conscious and intelligent, I have family and friends who love and support me and I am able to get around and move around as I please. I have a car to drive, a roof over my head, food to eat, I'm getting married soon, buying a house soon..... I can go on.
Either one of those two different perspectives are correct. But the point is, that it is my choice! I choose how I feel and what I think. No one forces me to feel one way or another about it, I am responsible for how I feel and think!
The most important thing in my opinion is to start with the people you love. Let go of the choices and mistakes they have made, its not hurting anyone but yourselves.
Choose to love instead of hate. No matter what has happened, it's still your choice!
And the one that is constantly reminding me is, I have someone in my life who tends to blame everyone but themselves for life and continues to hold anger and resentment towards many people for things they have done in the past. Some of these things being more than a decade ago.
I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me feels frustrated and annoyed with their behavior. Another part of me feels very compassionate and sad for this person. Imagine living decades with anger, pain and resentment towards lots of different people. It must be a very painful life.
And this is not about forgiveness, although that comes as a side effect when you start shifting your focus and taking responsibility for your own feelings. It's about taking full responsibility for how you feel, think, act, and never blaming anyone for anything you feel or think.
"No one can make you feel anything without your consent."
We get to choose how we respond to a situation. We get to choose whether we get angry or find compassion, we get to choose whether we walk away or attack. If you choose to get angry, that is not the other persons fault, that is your choice. If you choose to be loving, that is not the other persons doing, it is your choice!
"I am the perpetrator of my suffering - but only all of it." ~ Byron Katie
I love that quote because it explains all of this so simply. If I am upset it is because I have made the choice to be upset. If I am angry it is because I have made the choice to be angry. This is true all of the time!
We get to choose how we feel about things. We get to choose what we give our attention to. We get to choose if we love people or hate them. We get to choose whether we see that everyone is always doing the best they can and nothing is personal or that everyone is purposely doing it against us.
It's all our choice.
"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
Now I am going to take this topic to the extreme because I feel that it could really help it sink in for some people. Let's use an extreme subject.....
Let's say a man murders his wife. The family of this woman that was murdered and their kids have many choices of how to live the rest of their lives. They can choose to see how they could never understand why someone would make such decisions, that he must of been suffering and in major pain in order to do something like that, that the situation caused the family to become closer and that it made them more appreciative of the people they love in their lives or they can choose to hate the guy who did this and think about why this happened to them and how bad the world is.
Either one of these perspectives would be correct, however hating the man doesn't hurt him it only ruins their lives and their own future! So then this man didn't only take one life, it destroyed many. But not because he chose that but because these people/person willingly gave him that.
The point is when you feel something, ANYTHING it is your choice to see things that way. If you currently see things in a way that is not serving you then do the work to see them differently.
It's not easy and you have to constantly do it but its worth it and it goes for EVERYTHING in life.
At this moment in my life I can see how terrible things are for me, I'm not working, my body is not exactly healthy, I don't know what is going on with body, I don't even know if I can have anymore kids, we can't find a house, I'm not losing the weight I want, I'm tired all the time, I experience pain all the time, we don't have the money we need for everything coming up in our near future.... shall I go on. Or I can see how amazing things are, I have an amazing man who is taking very good care of me, I have a beautiful son who is extremely conscious and intelligent, I have family and friends who love and support me and I am able to get around and move around as I please. I have a car to drive, a roof over my head, food to eat, I'm getting married soon, buying a house soon..... I can go on.
Either one of those two different perspectives are correct. But the point is, that it is my choice! I choose how I feel and what I think. No one forces me to feel one way or another about it, I am responsible for how I feel and think!
The most important thing in my opinion is to start with the people you love. Let go of the choices and mistakes they have made, its not hurting anyone but yourselves.
Choose to love instead of hate. No matter what has happened, it's still your choice!
Why do we eat?
Better yet, Why do I eat?
If you asked me this question weeks ago I would of said hunger is the reason I eat.
I don't know if now when I reach for food it is different reasons than it was before or if the very strict health diet and juice fast has just dramatically increased my awareness with food.
But I can tell you that the reason I eat is surely not because I am hungry.
I went 10 days without food and never really felt Hunger. I had cravings that is for sure, but I never felt real hunger. I definitely know the difference now between real hunger and cravings.
So then, why do I eat?
Well, because I want to!
But lets take that a little further........
A friend and I have been supporting each other in discovering and learning more about our eating and health habits with hopes to eventually get to the place where we make healthy choices all of the time.
My journey is slightly different than hers in the way that I am not trying to change any of my choices right now.
After my juice fast I have realized that I have the will power and ability to force myself to eat whatever I think I should be eating. Heck, I was able to not eat for 10 days. So then why is it that at the moment I eat all the "bad" stuff, at least one meal a day?
It certainly isn't a lack of will power or ability.
Let's see if you can follow this. I have a desire to be healthy, I just don't have the desire to eat healthy. And I want to have the desire to eat healthy but I am not willing to force myself to feel something or do something I don't want to do.
Therefore the change, the discovery, the shift must come from within me.
A natural motivation to choose to eat healthy is what I am after. Not forced, Not depriving myself, not restricting myself, but a natural inclination to choose healthy food.
I completely believe in myself and my ability to fix the symptoms. I can force myself not to eat the "junk". I have that ability and its not even as hard as I thought it would be. But I don't want to fix the symptoms I want to fix the cause, the reason WHY!
So why do I eat? What is the real reason I choose to eat even when I am not hungry?
I can tell you what I have come up with so far.
Boredom, Cravings, etc......
But let's take that even deeper to the level of awareness that I am at right now.
I eat because I feel overwhelmed and eating feels good, eating shuts everything else down for those few minutes, it slows everything down. I don't have to think, I don't have to think about what I should be doing, what I am going to do, what I need to do, about how out of control my life is right now, about how I don't have very many options of what to do, about how my body feels like crap, of how I feel useless, worthless, and out of control. For a few minutes when I eat that all goes away and I feel good! So it numbs me.
Now its not as depressing or as sad as it sounds.
Also eating makes me feel satisfied, at least for a few minutes. Something I don't know much about. My esteem survives only on achievement. When I am not achieving I feel like nothing, when I am achieving I feel wonderful! At the moment not only am I not achieving anything, I am not able to help myself or anyone else improve the situation, and I have no way of even trying to achieve anything at this moment... I feel lost, pointless and so unbelievably overwhelmed and stressed that the only way I know how to handle it is to eat.
Some people play golf, some people have a beer or two, some people smoke a joint, some play sports........ I eat!
Now I am not some crazy obese person. I surprisingly haven't even gained all the weight back that I lost since the surgery. I lost a total of 23 pounds, wow, if only I was able to keep that off. Ha ha, I gained most of it back but not all of it.
And when I talk about eating I am not eating like crazy, I am just extremely aware of my food choices now. I still have an extremely healthy green smoothie for breakfast. Drink green tea all day long with lots of vitamins and supplements. I am just very aware of the other choices I make and how they don't serve my well being.
But!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't need solutions.. I don't need another thing to try or another thing to try to convince me to force myself to do what is best for me. What I need is to continue down this path of discovery, uncovering what is causing the unhealthy choices and changing that.
I am no longer willing to try and fix the symptom. I have proved to myself I can do it and I have done it many times before. I'm tired of the back and forth. I hope to get to the root of it all. Will I gain some weight in the process, I'm sure I will. But I am no longer willing to punish myself for desiring "yummy" foods.
I love myself enough to give all the effort I would give in keeping myself on a strict diet to focusing on shifting the cause of my unhealthy eating habits.
So why do I eat?
Obviously I haven't gotten to the core of it yet otherwise things would be shifting and my habits changing, but I can tell you I am "pulling back the layers".
It is my intention to shift from a desire to be healthy but a desire for unhealthy food to a DESIRE to eat healthy food and feel good about it.
One should never do something that doesn't feel good, it will back fire.
I know most will not agree with me but in my opinion doing something that doesn't feel good or come naturally is not loving yourself either. We must find a way to LOVE loving ourselves. Until we are there, we have work to do on the inside not on our outer world.
The answers are within!
"Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~Buddha
"Dig within. Within is the wellspring of Good; and it is always ready to bubble up, if you just dig." ~Marcus Aurelius
You can’t break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You’ve got to walk it slowly down the stairs. ~Mark Twain
The greatest discovery of our generation, is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their state of mind. ~William James
If you asked me this question weeks ago I would of said hunger is the reason I eat.
I don't know if now when I reach for food it is different reasons than it was before or if the very strict health diet and juice fast has just dramatically increased my awareness with food.
But I can tell you that the reason I eat is surely not because I am hungry.
I went 10 days without food and never really felt Hunger. I had cravings that is for sure, but I never felt real hunger. I definitely know the difference now between real hunger and cravings.
So then, why do I eat?
Well, because I want to!
But lets take that a little further........
A friend and I have been supporting each other in discovering and learning more about our eating and health habits with hopes to eventually get to the place where we make healthy choices all of the time.
My journey is slightly different than hers in the way that I am not trying to change any of my choices right now.
After my juice fast I have realized that I have the will power and ability to force myself to eat whatever I think I should be eating. Heck, I was able to not eat for 10 days. So then why is it that at the moment I eat all the "bad" stuff, at least one meal a day?
It certainly isn't a lack of will power or ability.
Let's see if you can follow this. I have a desire to be healthy, I just don't have the desire to eat healthy. And I want to have the desire to eat healthy but I am not willing to force myself to feel something or do something I don't want to do.
Therefore the change, the discovery, the shift must come from within me.
A natural motivation to choose to eat healthy is what I am after. Not forced, Not depriving myself, not restricting myself, but a natural inclination to choose healthy food.
I completely believe in myself and my ability to fix the symptoms. I can force myself not to eat the "junk". I have that ability and its not even as hard as I thought it would be. But I don't want to fix the symptoms I want to fix the cause, the reason WHY!
So why do I eat? What is the real reason I choose to eat even when I am not hungry?
I can tell you what I have come up with so far.
Boredom, Cravings, etc......
But let's take that even deeper to the level of awareness that I am at right now.
I eat because I feel overwhelmed and eating feels good, eating shuts everything else down for those few minutes, it slows everything down. I don't have to think, I don't have to think about what I should be doing, what I am going to do, what I need to do, about how out of control my life is right now, about how I don't have very many options of what to do, about how my body feels like crap, of how I feel useless, worthless, and out of control. For a few minutes when I eat that all goes away and I feel good! So it numbs me.
Now its not as depressing or as sad as it sounds.
Also eating makes me feel satisfied, at least for a few minutes. Something I don't know much about. My esteem survives only on achievement. When I am not achieving I feel like nothing, when I am achieving I feel wonderful! At the moment not only am I not achieving anything, I am not able to help myself or anyone else improve the situation, and I have no way of even trying to achieve anything at this moment... I feel lost, pointless and so unbelievably overwhelmed and stressed that the only way I know how to handle it is to eat.
Some people play golf, some people have a beer or two, some people smoke a joint, some play sports........ I eat!
Now I am not some crazy obese person. I surprisingly haven't even gained all the weight back that I lost since the surgery. I lost a total of 23 pounds, wow, if only I was able to keep that off. Ha ha, I gained most of it back but not all of it.
And when I talk about eating I am not eating like crazy, I am just extremely aware of my food choices now. I still have an extremely healthy green smoothie for breakfast. Drink green tea all day long with lots of vitamins and supplements. I am just very aware of the other choices I make and how they don't serve my well being.
But!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't need solutions.. I don't need another thing to try or another thing to try to convince me to force myself to do what is best for me. What I need is to continue down this path of discovery, uncovering what is causing the unhealthy choices and changing that.
I am no longer willing to try and fix the symptom. I have proved to myself I can do it and I have done it many times before. I'm tired of the back and forth. I hope to get to the root of it all. Will I gain some weight in the process, I'm sure I will. But I am no longer willing to punish myself for desiring "yummy" foods.
I love myself enough to give all the effort I would give in keeping myself on a strict diet to focusing on shifting the cause of my unhealthy eating habits.
So why do I eat?
Obviously I haven't gotten to the core of it yet otherwise things would be shifting and my habits changing, but I can tell you I am "pulling back the layers".
It is my intention to shift from a desire to be healthy but a desire for unhealthy food to a DESIRE to eat healthy food and feel good about it.
One should never do something that doesn't feel good, it will back fire.
I know most will not agree with me but in my opinion doing something that doesn't feel good or come naturally is not loving yourself either. We must find a way to LOVE loving ourselves. Until we are there, we have work to do on the inside not on our outer world.
The answers are within!
"Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~Buddha
"Dig within. Within is the wellspring of Good; and it is always ready to bubble up, if you just dig." ~Marcus Aurelius
You can’t break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You’ve got to walk it slowly down the stairs. ~Mark Twain
The greatest discovery of our generation, is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their state of mind. ~William James
You can outdistance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you. ~Rwandan Proverb
Surgery Cancelled and referred to USC
My surgery was scheduled for Monday March 5th until I went to the Pre-Op appointment yesterday. After re-examination the doctor said my condition and symptoms is extremely rare and something he has never seen before. So he said he was going to refer me to USC for the procedure.
Needless to say yesterday was not a good day.
I think part of me is becoming numb to the bad news but the part that stung pretty bad was that before this appointment I seen an end to all of this in my near future. I was under the impression that after this last surgery I would be able to even work within a week and that most of it would be behind me.
Now, I have to go through the wait game again (for the referral and authorization), examination, scheduling a surgery (which from what the Doctor said isn't going to be such a simple surgery as what was previously scheduled), recovery, etc. Not to mention now I will have the symptoms and limitations for that much longer.
When the plan was to have the surgery this coming Monday, I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and after yesterdays appointment I felt like that was ripped out from under me. I should be used to that by now, ha?!
I was so glad Albert wasn't working and was able to help me through this. We worked through a lot of things, especially some issues I was having with myself and what I bring to our relationship. He does so much and I feel like I do nothing but bring more stress and bad news. He doesn't see it the way I do.
So yesterday was an emotional day.
I am feeling okay today, probably learning to surrender to things a lot quicker.
I would really love to find a way to be productive and feel like I am doing something, even while I am going through all of this. That would make me feel a hundred times better.
Needless to say yesterday was not a good day.
I think part of me is becoming numb to the bad news but the part that stung pretty bad was that before this appointment I seen an end to all of this in my near future. I was under the impression that after this last surgery I would be able to even work within a week and that most of it would be behind me.
Now, I have to go through the wait game again (for the referral and authorization), examination, scheduling a surgery (which from what the Doctor said isn't going to be such a simple surgery as what was previously scheduled), recovery, etc. Not to mention now I will have the symptoms and limitations for that much longer.
When the plan was to have the surgery this coming Monday, I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and after yesterdays appointment I felt like that was ripped out from under me. I should be used to that by now, ha?!
I was so glad Albert wasn't working and was able to help me through this. We worked through a lot of things, especially some issues I was having with myself and what I bring to our relationship. He does so much and I feel like I do nothing but bring more stress and bad news. He doesn't see it the way I do.
So yesterday was an emotional day.
I am feeling okay today, probably learning to surrender to things a lot quicker.
I would really love to find a way to be productive and feel like I am doing something, even while I am going through all of this. That would make me feel a hundred times better.
Feeling sad and frustrated - House and Surgery not going well!
Everyone keeps saying that since we didn't get the last house we had in escrow that it means a better house is in our future, I don't know if I believe that right now. I know that is aligned with my beliefs but I just can't feel that at the moment.
Looking around for another house is a disappointing experience. Any house we find that is even close to what we are looking for ends up being out of our price range and if it isn't then someone makes an offer way above the listing price. The only houses within our price range are short sales which don't work.
Because of this I am feeling frustrated with the fact that I am currently not working. So I call the surgeon over and over again to see if the authorization went through and the line was busy all morning (what business doesn't at least have an answering service now?)! I finally get through and then they are trying to tell me I have to wait until after my next menstrual cycle (which would be around 3 weeks!), I tell them my last menstrual cycle just completed not too many days ago and that I want to get the surgery done as soon as possible (I can not wait another month before I can work). The lady says she will check if there is any availability this Friday or coming Monday and she'll call me back! But its been a few hours and no phone call.
I want to start working already. I'm depressed because I don't only feel bored and lazy, I feel like "dead weight". What makes me the most happy is to be moving, progressing, producing, creating. Being able to work and make money is a huge part of that. Also being able to go to the gym would help. Last time I tried to go to the gym, just to walk on the treadmill, I ended up in pain for two days.
And to make it even worse, when I am depressed like this Albert feels bad and wishes he can do something, when he has done more than I could of ever wanted. Without him I would be feeling way worse than this everyone once in awhile. I'm sure he would fix my body and get me working if he could. But what I feel right now is about how I'm feeling about myself. I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel in regards to my health and career and I don't know how to see the positive perspective I want to see.
Yes, another "down" blog post. Not like me, but is my truth at the moment. :(
Update: Surgery is Scheduled for Monday March 5th.
The Greatest Manifestation Principle in the World Book Review. Greatest..... Really?
Is it really The Greatest Manifestation Principle in the World?
I just finished reading the book, The Greatest Manifestation Principle in the World by Carnelian Sage and when I first started reading the book I was going to throw it away.
I just finished reading the book, The Greatest Manifestation Principle in the World by Carnelian Sage and when I first started reading the book I was going to throw it away.
The first two and half chapters of the book are negative and pretty much do nothing but attack the some of the teachings of the Law of Attraction.
I have to agree that the Law of Attraction is just a very basic level of metaphysics and spirituality. However, most people who are first introduced to the movie, The Secret or any other principles of the law of attraction usually have never considered the fact that they can even choose the thoughts they think.
I think the current ideas of law of attraction and even the movie, The Secret, definitely has its place. I may not completely agree with everything but I can say I LOVE what it is doing. These things are the start of people becoming conscious of their thoughts and focusing on personal and spiritual growth, this alone is worth ANY of the slight disagreements some may have with it.
That being said I am so glad I was at the gym so and decided to continue reading the book Carnelian Sage wrote, The greatest manifestation principle in the world, because what unfolded after the first two chapters was absolutely perfect.
I really wish she would have removed the negative from the book and just spoke of the principle, however I do feel the rest of the book is completely worth getting through the first two chapters or even skipping them.
I 100% agree with the principle Carnelian speaks of in her book. She includes a very powerful exercise which seems too simple, to have any result at all. Yet I tried it, all the while with my ego screaming, "Why bother, nothing ever works for you." But I did the exercise anyways and I was grateful I did. The immediate impact this exercise is worth the entire book alone.
I highly recommend the book, just skip the first two chapters. I won't give away her secrets but for those who know me, I will give you a hint. It's what I tend to speak about as my truth or true self. :o) Carnelian just makes it so direct and simple.
Enjoy!
What do you use your mind for?
Do you use your mind to bring you pain or do you use it to bring you joy?
When focusing on what we don't want, not only are we in ego, fearing something that has not happened yet, you are using your mind to create pain for you as well as produce a life of undesired manifestations.
Or you can choose to focus on what you want to create, align yourself with how the creator would think (which remember with God all things are possible) and enjoy your thoughts, which will produce a life of desired manifestations.
It's that simple of a concept.
Think of your thoughts as workers. Are you using your workers to produce things in which you want or things in which you don't want.
You attract that in which you ARE. You ARE what you think about.
Taking the time every day to contemplate and consciously redirect our thoughts to things we wish to create, not only helps us create a life more desirable but it also is more pleasurable in the moment of the thought.
Either way we don't know if either thought is absolutely true. The one in which we desire or the one in which we do not desire. However it makes sense if one of these feels better to think about and also puts us closer to attracting it into our lives, to choose that thought. It makes no sense to choose the thought that makes us miserable and only attracts more in which we do not desire.
It's about making a conscious effort to keep redirecting our thoughts onto which we wish to create. And it helps to remind ourselves that with God anything is possible (as I wrote about in my last blog). Helpful questions to realign our thoughts are, "What would God do?" Or "What would God think?" or "How would God feel?", etc..
Aligning ourselves to the way God thinks... Anything is possible, Focused only on Love and Understanding, Knowing everything is perfect, etc. immediately gives us a more joyful life.
And if you doubt this fact, think about this, "Tomorrow is going to be a very bad day."
How did that make you feel?
Now think, "Tomorrow is going to be a Wonderful day."
Now how did that feel?
The effects are IMMEDIATE. Why would you choose anything different?
I said it was simple, not easy. But sooooo worth the practice!
Think like God thinks.
With God all things are possible.
This is what saves me. This is what pulls me out of ego, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. But what does this really mean.
Well if Anything is possible, then thinking like God thinks would mean there are no reasons why life can't be exactly as we want it. But most of the time it isn't....... So now what?
This is because we don't and I certainly don't think like GOD thinks. I have to remind myself constantly that all things are possible. And still do I truly believe it?
I think that if we thought like God thought every second of every day, we would be happy, anything WOULD be possible, and life would be amazing, amusing, and fun.
If only there was a way to remember this every few seconds. Think like God thinks.
I know if I did I would have more patience while driving. I would smile more. I would have more patience with everyone in my life. I wouldn't feel so frustrated when people made decisions that I disagreed with. I wouldn't feel like I NEEDED to do anything. I would watch everything in life with amazement. I would love without wanting anything from anyone. I wouldn't need anyone or anything to be different than they already are.
Is this too tall of an order to ask of a person living in this physical world playing the game of Life?
Is it possible to think like God thinks? Would it take years of meditating, discipline and practice in order to even come close to living in this manner.
Am I setting myself up to fail by even considering this being possible? Is it possible for you? Is it possible for others?
At times just saying, "Anything is Possible" can completely change my thinking, but at other times I am filled with nothing more than doubt. To think like God thinks would be an absence of all doubt.
Maybe its about finding something powerful enough that works for each one of us individually. I have heard many religious people use the phrase "What would Jesus do?" Which may work for them.
I wonder what would work for me. What do you think would work for you?
"What would love do?", "What would source do?", "What would God do?", "What would Spirit do?".
It would have to be powerful enough to really transform your thoughts in the midst of the dramatic ego controlling your thoughts and actions.
All these words mean the same thing to me (Love, God, Source, Spirit), yet depending on how they are used each one carries a different power.
It would be an accomplishment if I even succeeded at remembering this a few times a day, let alone all day.
Maybe I could actually make this a part of my life and not just another concept I would "like" to adapt but never really come to light.
Instead of focusing on "trying" to make this a part of my life, maybe a better intention is to remind others that, "With God all things are possible, and what would God do" with whatever circumstances they are facing.
It's another practical way to go beyond the ego and come from the place inside us that is Spirit, to come from our hearts, reconnecting us with Source. I guess thats always the intention. I have noticed that when I am coming from my heart (Spirit), I am happy and joyful. When I am in a place that is dominated by ego is when I experience suffering and pain.
It is such a powerful practice to "Think like God thinks" and come from that place within us.
My intention is not only to remember to live from that place myself but to help others do the same.
If you receive a text, an email, a tweet, or even more blogs about this don't be surprised.
ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE
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