Through the eyes of a child

Today while I was preoccupied working on my laptop William was off playing on his own, when I seen he was messing with the broom and dust pan. I thought nothing of it as he usually wants anything that is not for him. He then brings it to me and tries to tell me something, which none of what he said was understood and he then left the broom right next to me. A little while later I walk into the dining room to find he had pulled his brothers popcorn out of the trash and it was all over the floor. When I asked him what happened he pointed to the broom.

This may seem like nothing to most people but my 18 month old knew he spilled something and also knew that when that happens I use the broom and dust pan to clean it up. He tried doing it himself but when he couldn't he brought it to me. At 18 months old he has already learned and watched what I do in certain situations....... What hit me like a ton of bricks was..... what else am I modeling to him that I am completely unaware of. What other behavior is he watching, learning and picking up habits from?

Through his eyes, I do everything perfectly. I am perfect and he is to copy me.

That is so much responsibility.....

What am I teaching him by my behavior, habits, emotions???

This is one of the biggest epiphanies and eye opening moments I have had in a very long time.

He has no idea who I used to be, or how far I have come, or my reasons or excuses.... He just sees what he sees without judgment and accepts it as perfect....as the way to do things, the way to be.

Do I like what I am modeling to him?

I love how far I have come and how much work I have done but is who I am today the kind of person I want to be this precious innocent child's role model?

NO.

I can be impatience and distracted. I am scared of the love my husband has for me, its deep, real, and something I have never experienced before. I guard myself far too much still. I am not nearly as active or motivated as I want to be and even more importantly as I want my children to be.  My diet is no where near what I would want in my babies bodies. I'm a little too focused on myself. I allow my feelings to control me way too much. The most important thing of all is I still have not learned how to love without fear. To let go and love with courage..... so deeply that I am completely vulnerable to those I love and cherish.    I'm sure there is much more.

If one is not willing to change and put what is best for a child first, they should not have children. Therefore now that I have realized this, I have no other choice but to make some drastic drastic changes.

If who I was and am was important to me and me alone, I would say I'm okay, I'm doing pretty good. I was happy with where I was.  But who I am is producing the programming my children will have.... then that means I am not even close to acceptable. I got some work to do.

Where do I start?

A Defensive Bitch

I always thought I was just an honest straight forward intelligent person who liked to help people. A women who loves to best she can be, constantly working on herself with a no nonsense, no drama, take responsibility for your life type attitude.

However, through some work I have been doing I am starting to see that this may not be the case. I am working on dissolving the ego's false perceptions and coming more from a place of love. Doing this work along with talking to my husband about it has led to some disturbing thoughts about myself.

Do I really just come off as a defensive rude bitch that doesn't care about anyone but herself instead of what I previously thought?

Wow, if that's the case it couldn't be further from the truth and even more mind blowing is that through all the years of intense work I have done on myself I haven't seen it.

I dislike people like that, I judge people like that, I feel like I am better than people like that....

And just admitting that took some balls and courage but also made me realize how far off I have been in my perception of others.

If only I can get on some reality tv show just to watch myself afterwards.

My mind is blown but how do you change something like this? Something that I don't feel yet seem to express? Something that I don't see for myself in the moment but am barely opening my eyes to how it can look to others. How do I stop expressing myself in this way when the only thing it feels like that I am being is honest, real, and caring?

I do know my intentions have never been to hurt, criticize, attack or demean anyone. I can also see why I have felt so misunderstood many times in life.

I take the time to educate myself about anything that is important to me, so I feel very strongly in certain decisions and areas of my life. I am very confident about my spiritual beliefs and parenting views. I can see how I can come off as preachy in these areas instead of caring and helpful....

But I still have a hard time seeing myself as rude. I rarely feel like I am being rude. I hardly ever feel the negative feelings towards another that I assume one feels when they are being rude.

What does this mean about me?

My thoughts so far. It means I have an ego that instead of being soft and nurturing is very defensive and hard. It probably means I am scared to be vulnerable and that being "softer" feels weaker to my ego. Despite this, my only desire it to learn to come from love more and more. Whatever that looks like. I  know deep within I am already there, I know I already have a loving caring heart, now its just learning to align my expression and actions with it.

I'm still letting these new thoughts and discoveries marinate in my mind, so excuse the scattered thoughts and many questions.

Where will all of these eye opening findings lead me next..........

My Regrets

Today my husband blessed with some time to do some writing and shifting. I don't think I have really had time to sit down and write and work on myself since William was born. I used to do it almost daily and definitely never went a week without it. It feeds my soul, helps release the weight of the ego and aligns me spiritually.

Anyway, I want to share my thoughts.

I have regrets as some people do. ALL of my regrets are of times when I didn't care or love myself. My BIGGEST regrets are of the times I disrespected myself in one way or another. Looking all these things I can see they came from a place of lacking self love and confidence creating insecurity and toxic beliefs about one self.... myself! It is not very often where I do things I regret anymore, its been awhile actually... However I am not immune to it. Nobody is. I wish I can tell all younger people that........ needing alcohol to have fun leads to stupid mistakes, Sleeping with boys does not lead to them loving you, and quitting things when it gets hard usually only causes self doubt and insecurity.  Follow your heart, respect yourself, LOVE yourself, and ALWAYS make yourself a priority.

I love to grow and work on myself. Something I will do for the rest of my life. No matter how good life is, I will always something to work on as we can never be perfect.
I am grateful none of my "mistakes" have ever been malicious or directed at others. I am always grateful that as soon as I recognized I did something not so loving to myself, I worked not only on healing that experience but what caused me to commit it in the first place.

My ultimate goal is to remove all limiting beliefs, to get to a place where I believe I can achieve or accomplish ANYTHING I desire. Oh how amazing that thought feels.

My past has "mistakes" and flaws but I wouldn't be who I am without them. Looking back I can see that even though I still wish I wouldn't have done some of the things I did, it also led to some of the biggest lessons and eye opening experiences I have had.  I hope to one day soon get to a place where those things that still get to me in my weak moments are released and loved! I KNOW that I am not the person I was then, I'm a complete different person than I was 2 years ago, let alone 10 or 15. That feels amazingly good.

I have made myself a priority. I made my happiness a priority. I made my THOUGHTS about myself a priority. I am loving my results so far and loving the continued growth. If I can have only one desire for my sons fulfilled... It would be that they love themselves! It feels good, they deserve it, and so do you!

A new baby boy means lots of change.

Having a baby is the epitome of change. Having a baby will create immense amounts of change in more ways than anyone can ever imagine until experienced.

Almost every single habit I had prior to having my baby was changed instantly. I went from 100% freedom to almost no freedom what soever. Heck, I can't even pee by myself.

Relationships change, some die, some grow, new ones are formed. True colors are shown.

As soon as I didn't have the time to fit into other people's schedule or be the way they wanted me to, those relationships fell apart. But the relationships that were real and solid got even stronger and more rewarding. People's judgments, criticisms and opinions become very clear. But even more importantly, my own values and core beliefs become clearer, stronger and more important than ever.

My relationship with my husband has been taken to depths I never thought possible. Our connection is deeper than ever.

My love for someone new has grown, my love for myself has grown. My heart has expanded.

I have been humbled and taken to my limits in every way possible.

I wouldn't change a thing!

I have become stronger in every way possible.

I love my baby boy!

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Gratitude and Loving Life, Gallbladder and pregnancy.

I was reminded the other day about the power of perception and joy in life during a conversation with a very conscious and deeply genius friend. And it recently played a huge role in how I felt after what most would call a bad start to the day.

I was woken up by extreme pain in my upper abdomen.  It was a familiar feeling as I had felt it twice before but this time the pain just kept getting stronger and stronger.  Being pregnant you would think I would be rushing to the hospital and if it was lower in the area of my uterus I would have been but I knew it wasn't the baby or anything to do with the baby.  I had already talked to my doctor about this before and she said it was most likely my gallbladder and would probably have to be removed after I have the baby if the "attacks" continue.  I later found out that about 4% of pregnant women start having issues with their gallbladder and that pregnancy can cause or make the condition worse.

So I lay on my bed as my husband is now getting up for work and looks at me helplessly and as he is not sure what he should do, he can tell I felt like I was being tortured. I reassured him that it's not the baby and I just have to get through it. Needless to say after an hour and half of vomiting from the pain and contracting, taking tylenol, and trying every position possible the pain started to subside.  Of course immediately I get online to see if my symptoms are aligned with what my doctor said and they were, they are dead on.  The exact words I was using to describe it to my husband were being used online to describe gallbladder attacks. So I educated myself on the condition while I lay in bed waiting until the pain decreased enough for me to go back to sleep. I armed myself with a whole list of things to do if it happens again and laid in bed researching alternative treatments.

After some scouring the internet and thinking, I started to feel really really good.  I was a little blown away by this feeling at first but I felt so happy, I was on cloud 9.  I started to pay attention to what I was thinking and feeling.

Despite just experiencing what some have described as the worst pain they have ever felt, I was extremely happy.  I was focusing on the fact that I no longer felt the pain and was pain free. That I felt really warm and comfy in my awesome bed.  I was also thinking about how lucky I was that even though I was woken up at 4am with pain and as 7am was rapidly approaching there was nothing I HAD to get out of bed for.  That I would still be able to go back to sleep and get as much sleep as I needed. What a wonderful thought!

That led to all the amazing thoughts about my husband, how well he takes care of me, how he enables me to have such freedoms and he provides and fulfills all that I have ever needed and wanted physically and emotionally.  I felt so free thinking about all these things. I felt so loved and blessed. My husband truly is my best friend, we talk about everything and anything. We share our day with each other every day, we respect each other, we give immensely to each other and love each other deeply. I don't know how I got "so lucky" but he truly is it all!

Then my thoughts went to on how wonderful my life is. How my relationship with my son continues to grow stronger and stronger, even my two cats are just amazing.  And to top it all off we have a little miracle growing inside me, soon to expand our family and love.

I thought of how supportive and reliable my family is. I have a mother I can count on and will love me no matter what, a father who tries his hardest to be the best dad he can be, siblings who truly love me and lots and lots of other family that play significant roles in my life.

I thought of how many loving and caring friends I have. So many for so many different reasons and places in my life and how a lot of these relationships are really starting to bloom and grow.  How friendships seem to evolve or dissipate according to my needs and desires in my life without me forcing anything.

I don't think I'm an exceptional person. I try my best to be my best. I work hard on myself, my perceptions, my beliefs, and how I relate to the world but I'm no angel. I have never intentionally hurt anyone and I would be there for anyone I know if they needed me and I was able to but I have my flaws, my weaknesses, my imperfections just like everyone else.  How did I end up with such good stuff.  Is it the work I do on myself constantly?  The perceptions I hold?

I would like to continue down this path however I got here. Continue to enjoy the great things in life. I still have a lot of work to do and my focus could surely use some mastering but I am so grateful for this experience...... this life.

What could've been a very bad start to my day was an absolutely amazing one.

The power of perception!

The Power of Vulnerability: My Greatest weakness

Lately I have been reading a whole slew of books.  Which I typically do as I either get bored of one or need time to process what I have read before I go any further, as everything I read is informative, educational, or self help. But as usual, they tend to compliment each other in some way or another even if they are on totally different subjects.

As I did my daily power walk today, I was listening to an audio book on the energy of the mind and how passion plays a role in the life we create. I had come to the conclusion that I need to get more passionate about what I want to do with my life besides being a mother and wife. I know I have something stirring in me yet I can't seem to connect with it.

These thoughts led me to think about how I was happy in my marriage and also how I was blessed to have the perfect opportunity to make attempts at doing whatever it is I want to do.  Yet, I have no clear vision or idea of what that is. I lack a lot of clarity in what I would love to do with my time when I am not with my husband or son(s).

My grandpa's passing has got me thinking about a lot of things. I really want to enjoy my days as fully as possible. Although I love being a mother and a wife to my amazing husband I know there is more than just that within me that needs to be expressed and experienced.  So I have been thinking a lot about who I want to be in this world, what I want to contribute, and what I want to experience.

Then I heard a talk on vulnerability just a little while ago. I have done a lot of personal growth work and I will continue to do it the rest of my life. But because I have read so many books and have done so much work thus far, I find its becoming harder and harder to find the subjects or thoughts that give me great aha moments and insight.

This talk on vulnerability caused a huge aha moment for me. It's been a little while since I last experienced such a profound moment. This is big for me. Very big.

Although I pride myself on being authentic, I can't say I am able to be vulnerable. Actually I go out of my way not to be vulnerable. How can I be so authentic and not be vulnerable. I'm not convinced it's not possible. Maybe I have just been authentic with my judgments or thoughts, but that doesn't mean I have let anyone see or feel the vulnerable me.

I realized that the only person I am truly vulnerable with is my husband. We share our lives and things with each other that I don't think either one of us would dare tell another soul.  But nothing is perfect and there is always room to grow and evolve.  I'm sure we could do this more often and on a deeper level.  These thoughts also made me realize that you couldn't have true intimacy without vulnerability.

Besides with my husband I think I keep heavy armor on with anyone and everyone else.  I'm always looking for the right thing, the conscious thing, the more evolved thing to think, be, see, or perceive and that is what I communicate.  It's true that I think, see or perceive those things, however anything that is not aligned with what I value and believe in, I would leave out.

I try to express my strengths as much as possible but I don't show my weaknesses or perceived flaws.  I either try to conquer them or keep them to myself.

I consider myself a pretty grounded person and try to come off that way as much as possible. And to be honest, I don't get angry easy, I don't remember the last time I yelled, and I have pretty good control over my emotions compared to the average female BUT I have my moments. For example, put me behind a car with someone driving in a way that I can't stand and you would think that I was possessed.

Another one:
For the last 10 years or so I have belonged to a gym.  For the most part getting myself to exercise is easy. It has become part of who I am. But asking me to eat healthy is a entirely different story.  I still struggle with eating the way that is even best for me and my unborn child at this moment.  Food as a particular power over me that I have never admitted until this moment.

Even now I can see how I have to express some good things before I even feel comfortable enough to share my perceived short comings.

Hmmmmmm....... Let's try one more time.

I lack major self discipline. I start a lot of things without finishing them. I'm lazy way more often than I would like to be and I judge people's driving and egos.

That didn't feel so comfortable.

I could go on but right now that is besides the point. It's obvious that just writing what I believe to be my weaknesses out on a blog is not stepping into being completely vulnerable and definitely not even the tip of the iceberg but it's a good start and to be honest I don't know where to go from here at this very moment.

 I don't want to hide from my weaknesses or short comings any longer. We all know that in doing that I am only lying to myself and is a form of denial.  Something I am openly against.

I clearly don't know where this is going to take me but I can feel I am on the right track. I know that although being vulnerable feels uncomfortable now, it is what I lack and what I need in order to be even more true to my values of authenticity and becoming fully confident and self assure.

I realize that in order to align with my value of authenticity, I must learn to be vulnerable.  Removing the veil of numbness and denial. I honestly don't know how I didn't see this before. It brings a lot of clarity to things I couldn't quite get a grip of prior to seeing this.

Joy is my goal. I can feel how to be a truly joyful person feels vulnerable, at least to me and it may be the resistance I need to let go of  which I have been looking for. As stated in the audio book I am listening to "If you are not experiencing something you desire, it is absolutely sure there is something within you resisting it." I have joy in my life in a lot of areas, but I feel it lacking in some other areas.  Not willing or able to be vulnerable is definitely a resistance.

I don't know how quickly or deep I can take this. I doubt my ability to be a truly vulnerable person.  But I can promise I am going to explore this and really do some work with it.

I'm not perfect and I hope it's time I stop trying to be.

The grieving process and my mind. The loss of a great man.

My Grandpa ended his journey here in the physical world on Friday March 15th, 2013.

He is one of the most amazing men I have ever known and feel so blessed that he was such a huge part of my life (Joel and I lived with him for 11 years, we moved out less than a year ago).

He was diagnosed with leukemia a few weeks back and started chemo almost immediately. So I had a few weeks to accept what was happening, I knew in my heart that the chemo would kill him as it did but either way with or without it, his time was coming.

I am glad it came quickly for him and he didn't suffer or struggle. He was already becoming miserable and angry with what was happening. At 83, he lived a long life, touched so many lives and will definitely leave his mark in this world.

Everyone see's death differently. The heaven or hell stuff for those that are religious. Some think when our body dies that is it. Others like myself who are spiritual yet not religious believe that death means that when our bodies die who we really are becomes part of everything, part of what we came from, and returns to all that is and ever will be (the Source/Creator). To clarify that, I believe my grandpa is now part of me, within me, is everything, and now back to Source. So for the most part I have peace with where he is.

I talk to him, in my mind (not out loud).

The grieving process is different for everyone. Most of the time I am okay, although I have a feeling of deep processing no matter what "mood" I am emitting. I also know that his death was good for him and when I feel sad I am only feeling sad for myself. I do have moments of sadness and tears when I consider not being able to enjoy his physical presence again, But for the most part I feel okay and am very happy that he transitioned so quickly without suffering any further.

Yet, I know something is occurring deep within me because I don't want to talk to others about my grandfathers death. I only talk to my husband about my feelings and I don't mind talking to other people who were close to him about him or about how they are feeling. Other than that, I have no desire and actually will avoid talking to concerned friends or anyone else about "how I am doing". I don't want to be comforted by others as most of the time I don't need to be comforted. I don't want to see or hear the look of sadness or sympathy as people ask me how I am and then want a response. Maybe it's because I don't have an answer, or maybe because most of the time I am okay and won't have a response they are looking for. I know that when I need others I will reach out but as for right now I need time to grieve and process what this means to me by myself or just with my husband. But I know the fact that I feel this way and don't want to talk to others about it means something, I'm just not sure what it means yet.

Another way I can feel something deep within happening is that although I know intellectually my grandpa is gone, I have a hard time hearing people talk about his stuff. To me it is still his stuff. Which really doesn't make much sense on an intellectual level but I am not ready for anything of his to be anything else but his. Even people talking about what his will says and who gets what feels so odd to me. In my opinion it's not time for that.

Yesterday I went to my grandpa's house for the first time since his death. It was not as hard as I thought it would be but I had a few emotional moments. Every single time I looked upstairs and seen his jacket he always wore hanging on his chair, I had a flood of emotions come over me. I can still see him putting his jacket on or taking it off. I feel my grandpa when I look at his jacket.

This morning I was offered his jacket. Although I know in the future it is probably something I will really want because for some reason I really feel my grandpa when I see that jacket, at this time I can not accept and am not ready to. It is still his.

Sometimes I cry for reasons I can not explain, like in this moment. Thinking of him. I want to say it comes from sadness but I am not sure. If it does I am not completely connected to that sadness yet. I just cry.

My grandpa, William R. Hornsby Jr., was an amazing man. He is the example of a Great Man. His love and commitment to my grandma far surpasses anything I have ever seen besides in them. He worked until the day he was hospitalized and diagnosed with leukemia. He took care of anyone and everyone he could. The physical world lost a wonderful man. A hero, Our hero, My Hero.

Judgment

Judgment is a something I have been working through lately.  Not only my own judgment but how I handle other people's judgment.

It has been my observation that the more conscious a person is the less judgment they have.  I believe it comes from a place of everything is perfect and there is never just ONE right way to something. So better said, There isn't a "right" way for anything.

Lately I have noticed my frustrations with other people's judgments.  The closer I am to a person or the more I respect them, the more I seem to have a reaction to their judgments.  I don't wish to change other people in my life, I only wish to change the way their judgments feel within myself.

I also notice that I can't seem to find a clear conscious perception that feels good to me when someone offers a judgment that I can agree with.  This seems odd to me because why would I have a negative reaction to something I may necessarily agree with. And it's because I don't believe that just because I agree with it for myself that the perception is universal and for everyone.

And to take it even further, the more someone has a judgment about me that I don't like, the more I feel resistance to their perception even if it may be something that can be good in my life.

Let's take healthy eating for example.

When someone has judgment of how I should or should not be eating. I find the judgment that they know what I should be eating to be very "human" behavior. Even if it is about eating healthy.  Judgment is always ego.  And the more people have this judgment the less I want to "buy into" it.  Most people think conscious people eat healthy.  As I observe the world, I disagree with that entirely.  I find most people who eat healthy do it out of fear of some consequence or the desire for a particular body image.  Both body image and fear is ego and therefore coming from the human mind and not a conscious evolved place.

I believe there is a million ways so to anything.  There is no specific right way with food, with money, with kids, with schooling our kids, with marriage, with politics, with being a child, with being a parent, with health, etc... I can go on forever.  A lot of people have bought into the idea that the way they see things is the best way. They prove to themselves that their way is best by comparing their way against others, seeing their way as best. And OF COURSE they do, that is because the brain is built to do that and will always find ways to prove what you believe right.

In order to transcend this we must practice non judgment.

The second I have judgment about something I know I am not being conscious or coming from a spiritual place. No matter what that judgment is about. If I look at someone that is using drugs and judge that they shouldn't be doing that, then I am coming from my human mind that is rationalizing a HUMAN experience.  Would most people agree with that judgment, I am sure most people do.  That doesn't make it a conscious spiritual perception. Would it be "healthier" for them to not use drugs?  Most likely, but that doesn't make it a conscious spiritual perception either. What if this person being on drugs is going to lead to some extreme new art form that we will cherish for centuries to come (Which I recently learned after watching a documentary that almost every master artist had a drug of choice, most of them loved opiates and hallucinogens).  What if this person being on drugs is going to lead to them getting sober and discovering a new  faster and easier process of getting sober and staying sober?.........  This does not mean I support drug use. At this time in my life I choose not to use any drugs and do not wish to have them or anyone using be a big part of my life, however, I don't judge other people's journeys and what is best for them.  I can only SEE what is best for me.

I was listening to a webinar today about weight loss and metaphysics.  There were some things I disagreed with and some things I agreed with.  One of the things he said that made a lot of sense to me was when a lady asked if a vegetarian diet was better for the body.  He said, "Don't eat meat for a week and see how your body feels, eat only fish for a week and see how your body feels, eat other meats and see how your body feels, some people feel better while eating meat and some don't. You got to see what is best for you, there is no one diet for everyone"  GENIUS!  This is the way I think about most things.  There is no ONE answer.

When we eat certain foods we feel yucky, for some people the benefit of good tasting food out ways the consequence of feeling inky for a few minutes or how ever long.  This doesn't mean that they are wrong, or they need to see things a different way.  The only way these people need to see things, is whatever perception with allow them to create the life THEY want to live.

In my opinion the key to life is to enjoy life and learn how to balance the physical reality of what happens when we make certain choices with the desire and intention to enjoy our lives. I do my best to make my choices from consciousness and spirituality.  If you have to force something, it is coming from ego.

So back to my current challenges.  When I have people around me who have judgments of how I should live for example I should eat the way they think is better, or I should make decisions with my son or future kids the way they think is best, or I should have different priorities, or I should do something different in the way I run my home, all just make me resist that person.  But I also noticed when it comes from a person who's opinion I don't necessarily respect all that much it just makes me keep my distance.  But when it comes from a person who I am close to, I struggle with their judgment more, especially if it is a person that I would consider more conscious because I see that behavior even worse as a person who believes they are making conscious judgments.

I have quite a few people in my life who are very good at allowing people to be who they are without any judgment of what is best for them and  don't need others to make the same decisions they make. I admire and respect people who are like are truly non-judgmental.

My husband is one of these people.  He is the most accepting and allowing person I have ever known.  He does have some judgments about some things, he is human, however when he is not in human survival mode he is the most non-judgmental person I know.  My son is also one of these people, I would love to take credit for it but I believe he has surpassed me when it comes to non-judgment and allowing not only others to be as they are but life to be as it is without judgment.  I also have some really amazing friends who make very different decisions than me and don't feel that the decisions they make would be the "better" decision for me too.

To believe you know what is better for someone else, is to think that you are God (in whatever way you believe in a higher power).

I can only turn within and decide what is best for me, not you, not my son, not my friends, not my family, it is all perfect and if the Divine wanted it differently then Source would make it different.

My purpose of writing this as it always is when I write is to work through a challenge that I have not been able to clear.  However, After writing this I can feel that I still have some work to do with this because when I think of certain people and their judgments it makes me feel like they believe their decisions are superior, which still causes a very human reaction within!  :)

I'll try some gratitude for who I am.  I still have judgments in a few areas I am working on, however I love that when talking to someone who is having challenges in their life, I don't claim to know or even feel within that I know what is best for them.  I don't expect or even want them to make the same decisions I do.  I help people clear what they are going through by hearing what they desire and helping them let go of the thoughts, feelings or actions that is preventing them from experiencing exactly what they desire for themselves.  I never choose what I think is best for someone else.  My way is not the high way.  Their love and joy is the high way for them.  That is my only desire when helping others is for them to experience and feel what THEY wish. And I am grateful I don't experience resistance to people making different decisions than myself.  I am able to love and help more freely.

I do however have resistance to people who feel their way is better whether they say it or not, it is felt and at this moment I still react from my human mind.  I resist other people's judgments about me.  I don't really care what others think but when someone has a judgment about me on some level it makes me want to do the exact opposite (which is still a reaction)! My intention is to let go of any reaction or emotion around others judgments even when they involve me.

I see that my feelings about their judgments is in fact a judgment of my own. A judgment I intend to let go of and see only with love.

I end with a quote.

"I’m not perfect for your journey and you’re not perfect for my journey, but I’m perfect for my journey and you’re perfect for your journey. We’re heading to the same place, we’re taking different routes, but we’re both exactly perfect the way we are." ~Steve Maraboli

My Gratitude

I can't help but notice how many amazing people I have in my life and how much I appreciate the people around me.

My husband is absolutely my other half.  We love each other so much but most importantly we respect and honor each other. In every situation, in every area of our lives he goes far beyond what I could have ever even wanted from another.  He is what makes my life amazing and he reminds me of his love every day. He makes me feel special, loved, important, and his #1 priority.  I am his engine and he is mine.

My son is just awesome.  He is so loving and caring yet extremely intelligent and confident. My son is such a conscious and funny child, I feel honored to be his mother.

My family is so supportive and loving.  They are amazing in different ways. I won't bore everyone by going over each and every one of them but it doesn't minimize how hugely important they are to me.  I hope to continue to see my relationships with them evolve, improve and deepen.

My friends are just beyond amazing.  Every time I think my friends couldn't get any better they prove me wrong.  I have the most amazing friends anyone could ask for.  I hope to continue to grow with each and every one of them and to be able to enrich their lives the way they do mine.

I love our home.  When I think back at how we were able to get our house it still reminds me of how supportive the universe/source is.  Our house will always be proof to me that everything happens for a reason. From the first time I stepped into this house, I loved it.  I fell in love with it, immediately.  Having our own home that I love, has brought out such nurturing and care taking qualities within myself. In my eyes our house is perfect, it is our.....HOME.

I am so blessed to be able to stay home and just focus on taking care of my husband and son.  And it really allows me to focus on what I really want to do with my life, in creating a career that I will truly enjoy.

The areas of my life where I would like to focus on transforming is my body and career.

My body has been through a lot this last year or so. Two surgeries, some medications, a lot of stress, and extreme life style changes.  I would like to see myself not only recover from all of that but also get to a place where my body feels really good......amazingly good!  I want to get to this place with joy and ease.  Enjoying life, Enjoying my body.

As I said before right now I have the freedom to really explore what I really want to be doing career wise. This does not mean what I can do, or what I should be doing.  To me it is about what I will ENJOY doing. What will bring me the most fulfillment.  I am blessed to be in a situation where my husband makes enough money to take care of us and I can take all the time I need to really create the ideal career for myself.  I want to create my career through joy, ease, and fun.

I think what is becoming important to me is to be able to enjoy every aspect of my life.  I have two areas where that can use some work.  But the overall theme here is JOY.

I am becoming aware of the idea that any area in my life that has to do with other people is already in a place of joy and ease.  But it's time I take the next step and heal the areas in my life that has to do with me and me only.  No one can create the ideal career for me and no one can make my body be healthy and energetic.  I'm sure Albert would fix those things for me if he could and it probably pains him that he can't but these are two things I have to do for myself.

Interesting.....   I truly love and enjoy all the people around me, its time I start loving and enjoying myself fully too!  I know Albert and Joel would really appreciate a more energetic and fun wife and mother.

Enjoy!

Losing weight by feeling good!

As I have always said, I believe weight loss is an inside job (in the mind), why can some people eat the greasiest most fattening foods and never gain an ounce and also never feel sick, while some people eat half of what most people eat and still gain weight.  I know without a doubt that when you change subconscious beliefs and your vibration the outside reality automatically changes, no matter what actions are taken or not taken.  It just naturally happens with no effort.  So here is a excerpt from one of my favorite authors. 

"What do you think metabolism is?

Knowing you look good, feeling great that you look good, knowing that they know you look good.  Scene is over.

In other words, you must go that long . . . or you remember being dressed in something that you felt really good in, and you remember somebody else who you didn't even know, meeting you in an elevator and saying, "you are really beautiful in that." Scene is over.

You get a sense of it? In other words, you must find a little snatch . . . revel in it for a moment and leave.  And what happens is you begin to activate that part of you so much, that now, even though a reality is different from what you are living, you have different things activated within you, so everything starts responding to you according to your different activation.

When you feel fat your food makes you fatter – it does! When you feel slender your food keeps you slender – it does!

You must understand that because you see people eating similarly with very different results, and you say, "oh yeah, it's their metabolism," and we say, what do you think metabolism is?!?

Metabolism is vibrational response to your moment in time. Metabolism is the way the energy is moving through your body, you see. And so *everything* is in response to the way that you feel.

Everything is.

Everything is mind over matter.  Every disease is mental first.  Everything is about thought.  Everything is about vibration.  Everything is about the way you feel.  Practice scenarios that feel good, and never mind reality.  

Reality is only a brief moment in time that you keep repeating." 

Excerpted from the Abraham-Hicks workshop

And then I also found this article: 17 seconds to weight loss

Although I have a million Abraham-Hicks audio's I plan on saving to buy this one: 

Abraham-Hicks teachings is one of my favorite because I can feel deep within that it is so very true for me. When I truly practice it, it has created absolute miracles in my life. Stuff that I would of bet millions of dollars on not happening, happened!  I know without a doubt it was because of these practices.  I belief we are all energy, we are all vibration.  Just as when someone is vibrating high enough they affect the people around them, if I vibrate high enough it affects the food I eat, no matter what I eat.  Our thoughts are more poisonous than any food we can put into our bodies and I know this. I have studied stories of people who had every odd against them in disease and sickness but when they changed their thoughts they got better and incurable diseases left their bodies.  Why is laughter the best medicine?  Because it increases our vibration dramatically, creating healing and clearing, no matter what is physically happening.  I'm not trying to discount nutrition, to each his own and I myself want to find a healthy balance but I disagree with all that I am that in order to be healthy we must have a strict diet of the best foods.  I know this is false, it doesn't make sense vibrationally, mentally, or spiritually (at least not for me).  For those that believe in it, then it will work and will be necessary. I myself do not.   I believe that if I have a healthy vibration my body will naturally find all that it needs and will create desires within me for what it needs without me having to restrict or limit myself.  

We may never know for sure, I know my biggest challenge is activating a healthy slender vibration within myself when I don't even think I know what that feels like.  But I am willing to put my attention on feeling good, instead of feeling limited.  

I am however exercising again now that I am able to.  Exercising makes me feel really good and when I push myself I feel even better. I don't have such low vibrating or negative feelings around exercising.  I also get a lot of my ideas and inspirations while I am in the middle of a really good workout so its something I like doing! 


Enjoy! 

Life after the wedding!

It took me a week and half to recover my house from the wedding chaos!  But my real goes for after the wedding was to get back to work and to start exercising again.

I believe the universe works in miracles ways and its amazing the way it provides.  About two weeks ago Albert and I were talking and he had said that if he made just $500 more a month that he wouldn't really want me to work at all. A week later after he changed his W-4 to married his net income went up $520 a month. Interesting..... Although I am not a "house" wife type person, this has given me the freedom to really work on my career being something that I truly love.  I also love taking care of Albert and Joel and I don't think having more "things" is worth sacrificing really being able to take care of them the way I do.  I am still looking for a part time job while I am working on the work I really want to be doing just because I am a person that likes to be busy and producing.  Plus, we can really use the money!

The most beautiful thing was Albert's response to me when I was double checking that it truly was okay for me not to "rush" or make work a priority.  His answer was "Of course, I would rather you be home, my only concern is that you are getting older and I don't want you to one day feel like you missed out on your dream job." Isn't he amazing!  What he wants for me is to be able to do what is in my heart and not to worry about money. His words, "I'm gonna take care of you forever!"  

One could think that I have the life I have because of him and that is partial true.  We both have the lives we have because of each other but also because of ourselves.  If I wasn't the type of person to follow my heart and trust in source, I would not be where I am today, I wouldn't have the relationship we have and I wouldn't have the life I have.

I have done a lot of work on myself.  I know what it means to struggle. I went from absolutely nothing, to working and educating myself and raising my son myself to really following my heart and allowing the most amazing man to take care of me. I couldn't have imagined being taken care of so well.  I didn't know what it felt like to be loved unconditional and for a someone to truly care for me. But I really worked on myself and invested in being a healthy person within.  It's life long work to be the best person I can be but I do feel like I have put in a lot of work and I have made being a loving healthy person a priority in my life and I would like to believe that is why my life is what it is today.

As for exercising.  I found a used treadmill online still under warranty and less than a year old for a very good price.  Albert made it a priority to get it for me and I have started exercising every morning. I must say mostly I exercise to FEEL good, not to look good.  Looking good is a good side effect that will be nice but my intention is to feel good.  Exercise makes me feel good in a way that nothing else does, I feel awake, light and ready for life.

Today a friend is bringing over another exercise machine and we already had a full weight bench set that does all kinds of things. I don't even have to go to the gym. Now I have no excuse.

What I intend for next is to really develop the understanding of what I want to do career wise.  I know I want to help people and I know generally how I want to and in what way.  But it's time to really gain some real clarity on it and what my next steps are.

I also intend to get back in shape and to be feeling really good physically.  I want to feel energetic and lively!

And of course hopefully some little ones soon. Well, not too soon.  We have a few things we need to catch up on financially before we can start planning to bring some little miracles into our lives but hopefully sometime next year we will have a beautiful announcement.

Lots of Love.

Enjoy!

Our Wedding

Our wedding day came and went so quickly.

Albert stayed at his parents house the night before our wedding, so I spent the night alone waking but I woke up with excitement.  The morning of our wedding, I went to the venue and decorated the room for a few hours with some family and friends which I absolutely loved and truly enjoyed.  I didn't feel stressed or nervous at all. When I got home I showered and starting getting ready.  Everything was going as planned with plenty of time and I felt good about everything.

Our pictures at the park were a little rushed since it took us awhile to meet with everyone and then find a good spot. I didn't get all the poses I wanted but we definitely made use of our hour at the park.

Quite a few things went "wrong" before the ceremony started but it didn't even phase me. The only things that were truly important to me were still absolutely perfect.

We had our wedding party walk out to "I gotta feeling" by The Black Eyed Peas which was really fun. I was not a bit nervous until right before I stepped out to walk down the aisle.  I knew this would be the moment that was most challenging for me. I'm not a person that likes the spot like on her and I knew I would have 65 people all staring at me.  When I get anxious I tend to do rush things and I knew I would practically want to run down the aisle to Albert, so I prepped my dad to make sure he knew to slow me down.

I walked down the aisle to "From this moment on" by Shania Twain. When I got to Albert he was shaking tremendously.  For a few seconds it really worried me, I thought maybe he was nervous about marring me and in that case we didn't need to get married.  But he made several gestures to connect with me and let me know how felt.  I then knew he was just feeling the same way I was feeling about all the attention on as, as we talked about this before hand, this was the one part he was worried about too. After that I was able to truly embrace the moment, he kept making loving gestures and I felt so much joy through out the ceremony.

My favorite parts of the ceremony was the Rose Ceremony when we incorporated Joel into the Ceremony symbolizing the three of us becoming a family. Also when we placed the rings on each others fingers and the kiss, of course.

After the ceremony we went outside to take some pictures together.  I felt a little anxious as I knew everyone was inside waiting for us.  As we ate our dinner everyone would come up to us and chat with us which I thought was perfect.  Albert and I got a little bit of time to connect and enjoy each other in between people coming up, instead of having to walk around and talk to everyone.

The speeches from the Maid of Honor and Best Man were done at the end of dinner.  My son and my dad spoke after them.  They were all so touching. I tried to not cry but of course I did!

Immediately after the speeches we had our first dance which was to "Amazed" by Boyz II Men. I will never forget it. Albert was extremely happy and I felt such intense love and joy.  It was absolutely perfect.

Besides all the serious stuff my favorite part was all the dancing.  We had the perfect DJ who taught all kinds of dances and even joined everyone dancing, getting people out of their chairs and really keeping the energy up and fun.  I really appreciate all the people who were dancing with me all night long.  It really made the reception fun for me and perfect! It was so important to me that the energy be about everyone celebrating our union and having fun rather than serious!

I'm sure i'm forgetting tons of stuff.  Wedding pictures coming soon.

P.S.  I LOVE being married to Albert and feel so lucky to be able to spend my life with him!

Bridezilla or lack of! What weddings do!

My wedding day is in less than two weeks.  Weddings make most brides become bridezilla's.  I don't seem to have that problem which should be a good thing but it makes me wonder if its a self worth issue or is just that I am more spiritual grounded and don't care so much artificial stuff. Not sure what I think yet.

I am a million times happier and confident than I have ever been and thought I had worked through all of my self worth issues but this upcoming wedding has made me question whether I still have some lingering stuff going on. 

The biggest issue and very first one to show its head, is when I started thinking about walking down the aisle and the amount of anxiety that occurred within me, just thinking about everyone at the wedding staring at me makes my anxiety go through the roof.  I start sweating and become very fidgety (I'm not typically prone to this kind of anxiety).  

It continued when I noticed this as I was contemplating what I need from others on my wedding.  The idea of needing or even wanting others to help me and focus on me was a bit uncomfortable as I started to focus on it.  Heck sometime's I think my Maid of Honor is pampering herself more than I am for my wedding!  Which isn't a bad thing for her but what is it that prevents me from really feeling like this is MY day (and before I get comments about this, I'm talking in regards to getting myself ready, I KNOW ITS ALBERT AND MY DAY). 

I then was challenged by other people telling me things such as:  my bouquet needs to be different and bigger because I am the bride, or my hair is more important and needs to be different than any of the girls, or that my makeup needs to be more dramatic.  And I can feel within that I have a bit of resistance to this. 

I want to want to be special, I want to feel like its my special day, yet I don't feel that and feel weird to feel that. I feel like other people think some how this is a special event for them, almost more than I do.  

I finally broke through this the other day when the hair stylist in which I had planned on doing my hair changed what was originally said, she scheduled some clients and wanted me to come in and change my wedding schedule around her and didn't even notify me of this until another friend went in to get her hair done 2 weeks before the wedding. That was the first time I felt like this is my wedding day, I am not going to change my wedding day plans around because someone decided to be (in my opinion) unprofessional.  I did however second guess myself for a second but was reassured by several people that, it wasn't only a little unprofessional it was VERY unprofessional.  

I still don't feel like its my special day to be pampered, nor do I WANT the spot light on me. Part of me wants it to be ABOUT me but not focused on me.  Which is an oxymoron and hard to understand.

After talking to my friend Linda, I started to feel a little better.  I think what is uncomfortable about focusing so much on my looks, hair, makeup, nails, etc.. Is that its very human and physical (superficial).  Which isn't something that feels good to me. Yet, I know everyone is going to be looking at and judging those things. But what feels good to me is this day being more spiritual, more grounded.  It being about joy and love.  Not how my hair and makeup look.  I will give those things some attention but when they start taking over what really matters its very uncomfortable for me.  

So I guess my conclusion for now is that I believe weddings seem to bring out the "human" in people quite a bit, they make such superficial stuff so darn important.  And it even got me a little bit and I consider myself a pretty spiritually grounded person. Heck, even though I am aware of this it will still take me over.  But ultimately what matters is not that I look like a freakin made up doll but that I feel good about the decisions I make, the people I am around and most important enjoying the event of being united with the man of my dreams.  

Screw the rest of it! 

Tiffany

Thoughts two months after my juice fast.

Its been a while since I completed my juice fast, so I wanted to share some of my thoughts on my previous juice fasting experience.

Here is how I honestly feel about it now.

I absolutely believe in the benefits of a juice fast.  The problem is that you don't only have to be able to get through the juice fast, you also have to end the fast correctly and control the cravings while introducing healthy food.

I had completed my juice fast successfully, all I drank was freshly made juice for 10 days.  I never cheated, not once.  Now where I went wrong was when I broke the fast, my first meal was a fruit smoothie but after that it all went down hill.  Within a few days I was satisfying every craving I had had for 10 days!

So all the benefits from fasting were quickly gone.

The most amazing feeling I felt while I was fasting was a lightness that I haven't felt in years probably since I was a child.  I felt so light and clear. The worst thing I felt during the fast was the intense cravings for food. I felt so deprived from what I wanted (not physically) and since that is a emotional trigger for me as well it was very difficult to deal with.

I don't regret doing the juice fast even though all that hard work went right down the drain once I broke the fast, I know I learned a lot about myself through the process of the fast and more than anything I learned to believe in myself.

A very good friend of mine just gifted Albert and I a juicer as a wedding gift,  so I plan on doing a shorter fast this time and seeing if I am able to break the fast slowly and with healthy foods.

We move into our house in about two weeks and once we are settled in, I will do the shorter fast then.

I plan on educating myself more on juice fasting and proper ways of breaking a fast from now until then.

Enjoy!

Everything happens for a reason - Our House Experience

Everything does happen for a reason!

A few days ago escrow closed and we now own our own home.  A house that was only possible for us to now have because of a dozen of circumstances that fell perfectly in place.

The first house we had in escrow, I didn't care for too much. Its just that house was the only house in the area we wanted and within our budget at the time.  So when the sellers of that house cancelled two days before escrow was due to close, it was disappointing and frustrating at the time.  I thought it would be impossible to find another house within our budget in that same area.

Then our agent shows us a house that looked to be way outside of our budget.  There initial asking price was $80,000 over our budget which is a huge difference.  But because of the events that happened so perfectly we got our gorgeous (perfect in my eyes)  home within our budget.

The house had been on the market for 6 months and was listed at its value.  However the listing agent who was their family member made a lot of mistakes when they listed the house.  They listed it as a Condo when it is nothing close to a condo, they didn't list the school district it was in and its a very highly sought after school district, they were offering way less than the lowest norm for the buyers agent, and they didn't have an easy way to show the house.  So for all of these reasons they kept dropping the price of the house trying to sell it.

No one is going to want to even look at a condo (which is what people thought it was from the listing) for that price and not many agents are going to want to show the house as what they would make would be exceptionally low.

Luckily we had an agent with a good heart. When she showed us the house, they were still asking $40,000 more than our budget.  She talked them down another $20,000 and got them to agree to pay closing costs.  They agreed to pay closing costs as long as we let them stay 30 days after escrow closes as the new house they were buying would not be ready to move into until then other wise they wouldn't have paid closing costs and we wouldn't have been able to buy the house!

This house has been remodeled and updated over the last five years due to last owners believing it was the house they were going to retire in.  Until the husband seen some brand new houses being built in San Dimas and decided to buy one.  Otherwise they said they wouldn't have put the amount of money that they did into the house if they knew they were going to sell it.  It has brand new installation, plumping, floors, kitchen, bathroom, roof, etc. And for Covina that is very, very good.  Not a flipped house either, this was quality remodeling and updating.

I still can't believe everything worked out and we got this house which is a million times better than the last one and we only paid slightly more.

If we wouldn't have gone through the whole ordeal with the first house we would have tried buy something else or better settled for something else and we would have never had this opportunity.  Then to buy this house at the price we did when its definitely worth almost $100,000 more than what we paid for it.  I just can't believe it.

Through this entire experience I have definitely learned that everything happens for a reason. I had gotten so stressed out and lost hope in ever finding a decent home in the area we wanted it and within our budget, and then we end up with something way beyond my expectations.  

I should of learned from my experience with Albert.  I followed my heart with him and he is beyond what I ever dreamed could have been. Then the house.  Hopefully I can take these lessons and learn how to apply them to my health and career.

This was a good reminder of the truths, "Ask and you shall receive" and "Everything happens for a reason".

Perception Change - Something Clicked!

Today I went to my friends baby shower and at first I was feeling bored, uncomfortable, insecure and self conscious.

I went to this baby shower alone, the only person I knew there was my friend and of course she was busy the entire time. And this was no ordinary little baby shower.  It was a huge co-ed party!  DJ, Chocolate fountain, loads of alcohol, etc..

More and more guests starting arriving and everyone else seemed to know each other and had come with their husbands or friends.  I just sat there for the longest time.

BUT......

I can't quite explain what it was or how it happened but I literally had a transformational moment.

I was sitting at a table with three couples and their babies.  Observing each couple the huge differences between each of them in the way they behaved and acted, was interesting.  One woman had just had her baby (baby was five weeks old) and this woman was full of energy, bubbly, energetic, positive, wearing a nice dress with heels.  At first I couldn't understand how although sleep deprived she was genuinely in a good mood and with a tiny newborn she had taken the time to get ready and look nice.  It was impressive and admirable.

I don't know what my thoughts were exactly but it was something along the lines of how everything is always a choice and a bunch of other empowering stuff.  Which were not new concepts to me but for some reason that day they just sank in, to a deeper understanding.

No matter what is going on in my life I still have choices.

I went to the bathroom and in the bathroom I literally went from feeling insecure about being alone, being quiet and not looking my best to just choosing to be confident and be me. I don't quite remember what my thoughts were but whatever they were they totally worked!

I left the bathroom feeling taller, smiling and really really good. I could feel that my posture felt different and everything about me body felt different.  All over having different thoughts, it was such an amazing experience to see how thoughts alone completely changed my body and entire demeanor.

Ever since that day I have started to feel more and more like myself again.

I don't necessarily know if it was the woman who chose to take the time to look nice and chose to enjoy herself no matter what else was going on in her life.  Or if it was just the right time, place, and circumstances to remind me of all the things I already know and  teach to others. But, I do know that something definitely shifted in me that day.

Boy, did I allow myself to get thrown way off track these last few months.

I'm just hoping that I can continue in this direction and with the perception I want and is me, even after I have this next upcoming surgery.  After the last surgery I felt like my brain was scrabbled up and that it is now barely coming back together and settling down.  I hope I flow through this next surgery more smoothly and am able to stay in perceptions that are more beneficial for me.

Women and Stress - Positive Events Can Be Stressful Too!

I forgot that positive events in life can be stressful too.

Last night I was watching "Property Virgins" and there was a couple that were planning a wedding and looking to buy a house. The agent mentioned that planning a wedding and buying a house are two of some of the most stressful things someone will experience in their lifetime.

I never looked at it that way.  Lately I have been a bit hard on myself since I was feeling so overwhelmed and out of control.  I thought "I'm not working what the heck is my problem?'

But not only am I planning a wedding and trying to buy a house both on almost an impossible budget but I am also dealing with all my health issues at the same time as well.

This reminder helped me feel that is was "okay" that I had been feeling a bit overwhelmed or beyond overwhelmed almost like I was tightly wound up or in pressure cooker!   That it is normal to feel stress even for good things.

I have been feeling better the last few days.

Last week I met with my good friend Vicki and I was able to really vent/release everything that was going on with me.  It's something only women need to do in the way we do it, so no matter how much a man cares and tries he can not understand or fully provide what a women needs when she needs to "throw up" everything going on with her.

Women deal with stress differently than men and have different stress symptoms, using its a feeling being overwhelmed its an intensely emotional feeling, men feel it in anger and in their arms and heads. Women feel it in their entire body and eyes.

Vicki provided this for me and I can tell you the next day was much better.  My mind was clearer than it had been in awhile and I was able to get A LOT done.  Before meeting with Vicki I knew how much I needed to still do for the wedding but when I would think about it, it just felt so overwhelming I just couldn't concentrate on it.  The day after venting to Vicki I got so much done it was wonderful.

Then the other day I decided that I was going to let Albert take on the house stuff and I was going to just focus on the wedding.  He agreed happily and said "I'll take care of the house, you take care of the wedding."  Perfect.

This is our attempt to reduce the amount of stress we are experiencing, although these are both positive things it feels good to know it is normal for it to still be stressful.

And today I finally received my authorization for the new surgeon.  He is in Burbank which isn't USC and it is far but I am just happy to see some movement forward.  I still have to go through a consultation, exam and wait for a new authorization for treatment and surgery but I'm glad things are finally getting moving.

And for all the women out there if you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, you can cope with that stress by finding a good girlfriend and just "throw up" (not literally, emotionally of course) all over her.   Let her know though that you don't need her to provide any answers, you just need to be heard and understand.  Vicki does this very well, I don't even have to tell her what I need or that its coming but we have both had training in this area and also have consciously grown with each other to support each other, I am very grateful for her.

I know how important this is for women, I even have training in this but I still forget myself so I know it can be difficult at first and might not feel like it before you try it but it can work wonders and will do more for you than you can imagine.

Enjoy!

The purpose of all of this!

Anyone who has been reading my blog or knows me personally knows that I have been struggling and held back with a lot of things lately.

I'm not going to complain about my difficulties but I wanted to share what I believe may be the reason for all of this.

There is a reoccurring them about everything that has happened over the last few months, which things appear like they are getting better or going to work out and then they don't, more stuff keeps happening and the experience gets prolonged and I can't move forward.

I believe as always that there is a reason for this.

I think this is all happening and will continue to happen until I focus on myself and find Joy within.


I believe that health stuff will continue to arise and get postponed so that I can't go back to work and we won't find and buy a house that is perfect for us so that I can't focus on moving and I won't have the desire to eat healthy and exercise so that I can't focus on that either......

What I feel may be happening here is nothing is going to work out right now because what I need is to learn to focus within, heal and enjoy every moment instead of be caught up in the distractions of my life, or maybe its to make me learn how to focus on the good things I have in my life now without seeking more, or maybe its to learn how to trust source to take care of me.

But I know there is a reason because one thing after another continues to happen.  A surgery that was supposed to take me away from work for 3 weeks is not going into 3 months.  We find a house, owners cancel 2 days before escrow closes, we find another house and they say they agree to the terms but won't sign the offer because they want to prolong the process (leaving it open for as many other offers to come in and offer more) so now our offer has expired, so we aren't getting that house either (And I really really really loved that house).

I just feel that life is not allowing me to have anything else to put my attention on and I am bored out of my mind.  Some may feel that is a good thing and wish they had it but it doesn't feel good at all. But because my confidence and happiness relies on me being productive and active, all of this makes me feel lost, useless, and overwhelmed.  I don't know what to do with my time and I have a craving to do something significant and purposeful yet I am not able to or haven't discovered how to yet.

My anxiety is through the roof when comes to the house stuff and my health stuff.  I feel so anxious to move on and move forward yet I continue to be held back.

I know that I need to learn how to focus better on the good, the amazing love and people I have in my life and everything else that is working... And since I haven't been able to do that fully, I know in my heart things are not going to move forward until I can.

One things for sure, we'll see what happens!

Taking responsibility for your own feelings

Taking responsibility for our own feelings!

Although nothing new to me, this has been a reoccurring theme for me lately.

I wonder what the purpose of this idea popping into my life so frequently lately means. 

I am reading a book all about this concept. 

I have also come across several quotes and images that are aligned with this concept.

And the one that is constantly reminding me is, I have someone in my life who tends to blame everyone but themselves for life and continues to hold anger and resentment towards many people for things they have done in the past. Some of these things being more than a decade ago.

I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me feels frustrated and annoyed with their behavior. Another part of me feels very compassionate and sad for this person. Imagine living decades with anger, pain and resentment towards lots of different people. It must be a very painful life.

And this is not about forgiveness, although that comes as a side effect when you start shifting your focus and taking responsibility for your own feelings. It's about taking full responsibility for how you feel, think, act, and never blaming anyone for anything you feel or think.

"No one can make you feel anything without your consent."

We get to choose how we respond to a situation. We get to choose whether we get angry or find compassion, we get to choose whether we walk away or attack. If you choose to get angry, that is not the other persons fault, that is your choice. If you choose to be loving, that is not the other persons doing, it is your choice!

"I am the perpetrator of my suffering - but only all of it." ~ Byron Katie

I love that quote because it explains all of this so simply. If I am upset it is because I have made the choice to be upset. If I am angry it is because I have made the choice to be angry. This is true all of the time!

We get to choose how we feel about things. We get to choose what we give our attention to. We get to choose if we love people or hate them. We get to choose whether we see that everyone is always doing the best they can and nothing is personal or that everyone is purposely doing it against us.

It's all our choice.

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

Now I am going to take this topic to the extreme because I feel that it could really help it sink in for some people. Let's use an extreme subject.....

Let's say a man murders his wife. The family of this woman that was murdered and their kids have many choices of how to live the rest of their lives. They can choose to see how they could never understand why someone would make such decisions, that he must of been suffering and in major pain in order to do something like that, that the situation caused the family to become closer and that it made them more appreciative of the people they love in their lives or they can choose to hate the guy who did this and think about why this happened to them and how bad the world is.

Either one of these perspectives would be correct, however hating the man doesn't hurt him it only ruins their lives and their own future! So then this man didn't only take one life, it destroyed many. But not because he chose that but because these people/person willingly gave him that.

The point is when you feel something, ANYTHING it is your choice to see things that way. If you currently see things in a way that is not serving you then do the work to see them differently.

It's not easy and you have to constantly do it but its worth it and it goes for EVERYTHING in life.

At this moment in my life I can see how terrible things are for me, I'm not working, my body is not exactly healthy, I don't know what is going on with body, I don't even know if I can have anymore kids, we can't find a house, I'm not losing the weight I want, I'm tired all the time, I experience pain all the time, we don't have the money we need for everything coming up in our near future.... shall I go on. Or I can see how amazing things are, I have an amazing man who is taking very good care of me, I have a beautiful son who is extremely conscious and intelligent, I have family and friends who love and support me and I am able to get around and move around as I please. I have a car to drive, a roof over my head, food to eat, I'm getting married soon, buying a house soon..... I can go on.

Either one of those two different perspectives are correct. But the point is, that it is my choice! I choose how I feel and what I think.  No one forces me to feel one way or another about it, I am responsible for how I feel and think!

The most important thing in my opinion is to start with the people you love. Let go of the choices and mistakes they have made, its not hurting anyone but yourselves.

Choose to love instead of hate. No matter what has happened, it's still your choice!

Why do we eat?

Better yet, Why do I eat?


If you asked me this question weeks ago I would of said hunger is the reason I eat.  


I don't know if now when I reach for food it is different reasons than it was before or if the very strict health diet and juice fast has just dramatically increased my awareness with food. 


But I can tell you that the reason I eat is surely not because I am hungry.


I went 10 days without food and never really felt Hunger.  I had cravings that is for sure, but I never felt real hunger.   I definitely know the difference now between real hunger and cravings.  


So then, why do I eat?


Well, because I want to!  


But lets take that a little further........


A friend and I have been supporting each other in discovering and learning more about our eating and health habits with hopes to eventually get to the place where we make healthy choices all of the time. 


My journey is slightly different than hers in the way that I am not trying to change any of my choices right now.  


After my juice fast I have realized that I have the will power and ability to force myself to eat whatever I think I should be eating.  Heck, I was able to not eat for 10 days.  So then why is it that at the moment I eat all the "bad" stuff, at least one meal a day?


It certainly isn't a lack of will power or ability.  


Let's see if you can follow this.  I have a desire to be healthy, I just don't have the desire to eat healthy. And I want to have the desire to eat healthy but I am not willing to force myself to feel something or do something I don't want to do.  


Therefore the change, the discovery, the shift must come from within me.  


A natural motivation to choose to eat healthy is what I am after. Not forced, Not depriving myself, not restricting myself, but a natural inclination to choose healthy food.  


I completely believe in myself and my ability to fix the symptoms.  I can force myself not to eat the "junk".  I have that ability and its not even as hard as I thought it would be.  But I don't want to fix the symptoms I want to fix the cause, the reason WHY! 


So why do I eat?  What is the real reason I choose to eat even when I am not hungry?


I can tell you what I have come up with so far. 


Boredom, Cravings, etc......


But let's take that even deeper to the level of awareness that I am at right now.


I eat because I feel overwhelmed and eating feels good, eating shuts everything else down for those few minutes, it slows everything down.  I don't have to think, I don't have to think about what I should be doing, what I am going to do, what I need to do, about how out of control my life is right now, about how I don't have very many options of what to do, about how my body feels like crap, of how I feel useless, worthless, and out of control.  For a few minutes when I eat that all goes away and I feel good! So it numbs me. 


Now its not as depressing or as sad as it sounds.  


Also eating makes me feel satisfied, at least for a few minutes.  Something I don't know much about.  My esteem survives only on achievement.  When I am not achieving I feel like nothing, when I am achieving I feel wonderful!  At the moment not only am I not achieving anything, I am not able to help myself or anyone else improve the situation, and I have no way of even trying to achieve anything at this moment... I feel lost, pointless and so unbelievably overwhelmed and stressed that the only way I know how to handle it is to eat.  


Some people play golf, some people have a beer or two, some people smoke a joint, some play sports........ I eat!


Now I am not some crazy obese person.  I surprisingly haven't even gained all the weight back that I lost since the surgery.  I lost a total of 23 pounds, wow, if only I was able to keep that off.  Ha ha, I gained most of it back but not all of it.  


And when I talk about eating I am not eating like crazy, I am just extremely aware of my food choices now. I still have an extremely healthy green smoothie for breakfast.  Drink green tea all day long with lots of vitamins and supplements.  I am just very aware of the other choices I make and how they don't serve my well being. 


But!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I don't need solutions.. I don't need another thing to try or another thing to try to convince me to force myself to do what is best for me.  What I need is to continue down this path of discovery, uncovering what is causing the unhealthy choices and changing that. 


I am no longer willing to try and fix the symptom.  I have proved to myself I can do it and I have done it many times before.  I'm tired of the back and forth.  I hope to get to the root of it all.  Will I gain some weight in the process, I'm sure I will.  But I am no longer willing to punish myself for desiring "yummy" foods. 


I love myself enough to give all the effort I would give in keeping myself on a strict diet to focusing on shifting the cause of my unhealthy eating habits. 


So why do I eat?


Obviously I haven't gotten to the core of it yet otherwise things would be shifting and my habits changing, but I can tell you I am "pulling back the layers".  


It is my intention to shift from a desire to be healthy but a desire for unhealthy food to a DESIRE to eat healthy food and feel good about it.  


One should never do something that doesn't feel good, it will back fire.  


I know most will not agree with me but in my opinion doing something that doesn't feel good or come naturally is not loving yourself either.  We must find a way to LOVE loving ourselves.  Until we are there, we have work to do on the inside not on our outer world.   


The answers are within! 


"Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~Buddha


"Dig within. Within is the wellspring of Good; and it is always ready to bubble up, if you just dig." ~Marcus Aurelius



You can’t break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You’ve got to walk it slowly down the stairs. ~Mark Twain


The greatest discovery of our generation, is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their state of mind. ~William James

You can outdistance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you. ~Rwandan Proverb