I always thought I was just an honest straight forward intelligent person who liked to help people. A women who loves to best she can be, constantly working on herself with a no nonsense, no drama, take responsibility for your life type attitude.
However, through some work I have been doing I am starting to see that this may not be the case. I am working on dissolving the ego's false perceptions and coming more from a place of love. Doing this work along with talking to my husband about it has led to some disturbing thoughts about myself.
Do I really just come off as a defensive rude bitch that doesn't care about anyone but herself instead of what I previously thought?
Wow, if that's the case it couldn't be further from the truth and even more mind blowing is that through all the years of intense work I have done on myself I haven't seen it.
I dislike people like that, I judge people like that, I feel like I am better than people like that....
And just admitting that took some balls and courage but also made me realize how far off I have been in my perception of others.
If only I can get on some reality tv show just to watch myself afterwards.
My mind is blown but how do you change something like this? Something that I don't feel yet seem to express? Something that I don't see for myself in the moment but am barely opening my eyes to how it can look to others. How do I stop expressing myself in this way when the only thing it feels like that I am being is honest, real, and caring?
I do know my intentions have never been to hurt, criticize, attack or demean anyone. I can also see why I have felt so misunderstood many times in life.
I take the time to educate myself about anything that is important to me, so I feel very strongly in certain decisions and areas of my life. I am very confident about my spiritual beliefs and parenting views. I can see how I can come off as preachy in these areas instead of caring and helpful....
But I still have a hard time seeing myself as rude. I rarely feel like I am being rude. I hardly ever feel the negative feelings towards another that I assume one feels when they are being rude.
What does this mean about me?
My thoughts so far. It means I have an ego that instead of being soft and nurturing is very defensive and hard. It probably means I am scared to be vulnerable and that being "softer" feels weaker to my ego. Despite this, my only desire it to learn to come from love more and more. Whatever that looks like. I know deep within I am already there, I know I already have a loving caring heart, now its just learning to align my expression and actions with it.
I'm still letting these new thoughts and discoveries marinate in my mind, so excuse the scattered thoughts and many questions.
Where will all of these eye opening findings lead me next..........
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