I just need to write.

Happiness! Isn't that what everyone wants?

At least for me over the past months or years my desires have begun to separate from happiness. My main goal in life is not to obtain all that I desire, My main goal is to be happy. Although I do plan on experiencing everything I desire and more!

Most make the mistake assuming when they obtain those things in life in which they desire is when they will have happiness and most have yet to learn that is entirely untrue. A lot of people who get everything they want are more miserable than those of us in which life has been challenging. We think we know what we want until we get it.

What about just trusting that we already have what we need to be happy. Yes, I know I am repeating that old cliche, but its true. However, what is one to do when you discover happiness is not outside of oneself, but has yet to find happiness inside oneself.

I can truly say I am happy with who I am, I am proud of who I have become. I never gave up on myself and I did the work to be where I am today. I am discovering that no other person, place, or thing can truly make me happy. They can bring me pleasure, yes, but true lasting happiness I KNOW comes from a deep internal state within myself.

At times I feel limited, restricted, needing to break free. I currently have no outlet as most have. I don't drink or party, I don't have a job that pumps me full of adrenaline, I don't have a drama filled life anymore (most of the time), I don't have any extreme sports or other outlets in which to express myself.

I can see how I limit myself. I can see how I can be that person singing, dancing, really connecting with something, fully expressing who I am. I have it in me. Yet, it sits, dormant. Everything happens for a reason and I look forward to the day when I have no inhibitions and just allow myself to let go.

Although my life is amazing, I still get the feeling I am playing small. There is so much more inside me. Its just learning how to play big, learning what BIG is for me?

It's not a perfect job, or marriage, or kids, or new seminar. It's something within me. I know expression and connection have something to do with it.

I wonder when I will find MY intensity.

Until then, in the meantime I am practicing trusting and surrendering. Surrender? What does that mean? I have no idea what letting go looks like, I don't know what trusting looks like. It has been me against the world for as long as I can remember. If I didn't fight for myself, no one else would.

It's time I take a chance, put my sword down and see where life will take me. I may get stabbed in the heart without my shield or any way to protect myself but its a risk I am willing to take. Now I just need to learn how to do it.

Trust! A word used so liberally and one in which I hear daily. Yet I don't think I truly know the experience of trust. I have never learned how to trust. Not myself, not life, not God, not anyone else.

So it is my current journey to learn how to trust ME! To trust Life, To trust God, and to trust the man I love.

Now thats a tall order!

Love and Joy,

Tiffany