Today while I was preoccupied working on my laptop William was off playing on his own, when I seen he was messing with the broom and dust pan. I thought nothing of it as he usually wants anything that is not for him. He then brings it to me and tries to tell me something, which none of what he said was understood and he then left the broom right next to me. A little while later I walk into the dining room to find he had pulled his brothers popcorn out of the trash and it was all over the floor. When I asked him what happened he pointed to the broom.
This may seem like nothing to most people but my 18 month old knew he spilled something and also knew that when that happens I use the broom and dust pan to clean it up. He tried doing it himself but when he couldn't he brought it to me. At 18 months old he has already learned and watched what I do in certain situations....... What hit me like a ton of bricks was..... what else am I modeling to him that I am completely unaware of. What other behavior is he watching, learning and picking up habits from?
Through his eyes, I do everything perfectly. I am perfect and he is to copy me.
That is so much responsibility.....
What am I teaching him by my behavior, habits, emotions???
This is one of the biggest epiphanies and eye opening moments I have had in a very long time.
He has no idea who I used to be, or how far I have come, or my reasons or excuses.... He just sees what he sees without judgment and accepts it as perfect....as the way to do things, the way to be.
Do I like what I am modeling to him?
I love how far I have come and how much work I have done but is who I am today the kind of person I want to be this precious innocent child's role model?
NO.
I can be impatience and distracted. I am scared of the love my husband has for me, its deep, real, and something I have never experienced before. I guard myself far too much still. I am not nearly as active or motivated as I want to be and even more importantly as I want my children to be. My diet is no where near what I would want in my babies bodies. I'm a little too focused on myself. I allow my feelings to control me way too much. The most important thing of all is I still have not learned how to love without fear. To let go and love with courage..... so deeply that I am completely vulnerable to those I love and cherish. I'm sure there is much more.
If one is not willing to change and put what is best for a child first, they should not have children. Therefore now that I have realized this, I have no other choice but to make some drastic drastic changes.
If who I was and am was important to me and me alone, I would say I'm okay, I'm doing pretty good. I was happy with where I was. But who I am is producing the programming my children will have.... then that means I am not even close to acceptable. I got some work to do.
Where do I start?
