I am a million times happier and confident than I have ever been and thought I had worked through all of my self worth issues but this upcoming wedding has made me question whether I still have some lingering stuff going on.
The biggest issue and very first one to show its head, is when I started thinking about walking down the aisle and the amount of anxiety that occurred within me, just thinking about everyone at the wedding staring at me makes my anxiety go through the roof. I start sweating and become very fidgety (I'm not typically prone to this kind of anxiety).
It continued when I noticed this as I was contemplating what I need from others on my wedding. The idea of needing or even wanting others to help me and focus on me was a bit uncomfortable as I started to focus on it. Heck sometime's I think my Maid of Honor is pampering herself more than I am for my wedding! Which isn't a bad thing for her but what is it that prevents me from really feeling like this is MY day (and before I get comments about this, I'm talking in regards to getting myself ready, I KNOW ITS ALBERT AND MY DAY).
I then was challenged by other people telling me things such as: my bouquet needs to be different and bigger because I am the bride, or my hair is more important and needs to be different than any of the girls, or that my makeup needs to be more dramatic. And I can feel within that I have a bit of resistance to this.
I want to want to be special, I want to feel like its my special day, yet I don't feel that and feel weird to feel that. I feel like other people think some how this is a special event for them, almost more than I do.
I finally broke through this the other day when the hair stylist in which I had planned on doing my hair changed what was originally said, she scheduled some clients and wanted me to come in and change my wedding schedule around her and didn't even notify me of this until another friend went in to get her hair done 2 weeks before the wedding. That was the first time I felt like this is my wedding day, I am not going to change my wedding day plans around because someone decided to be (in my opinion) unprofessional. I did however second guess myself for a second but was reassured by several people that, it wasn't only a little unprofessional it was VERY unprofessional.
I still don't feel like its my special day to be pampered, nor do I WANT the spot light on me. Part of me wants it to be ABOUT me but not focused on me. Which is an oxymoron and hard to understand.
After talking to my friend Linda, I started to feel a little better. I think what is uncomfortable about focusing so much on my looks, hair, makeup, nails, etc.. Is that its very human and physical (superficial). Which isn't something that feels good to me. Yet, I know everyone is going to be looking at and judging those things. But what feels good to me is this day being more spiritual, more grounded. It being about joy and love. Not how my hair and makeup look. I will give those things some attention but when they start taking over what really matters its very uncomfortable for me.
So I guess my conclusion for now is that I believe weddings seem to bring out the "human" in people quite a bit, they make such superficial stuff so darn important. And it even got me a little bit and I consider myself a pretty spiritually grounded person. Heck, even though I am aware of this it will still take me over. But ultimately what matters is not that I look like a freakin made up doll but that I feel good about the decisions I make, the people I am around and most important enjoying the event of being united with the man of my dreams.
Screw the rest of it!
Tiffany
