Is this wrong? Of course not, but does it allow for a happy, fulfilling life?
NO
Actually in my opinion it makes it impossible. It is impossible to feel any one of these things from even one person all of the time. If this is what we seek, we will always be disappointed at some time or another. Most likely more than not.
It is obvious the degree in which we seek these things vary from person, day, situations, and to time in our lives, however I think we do it so much it has become subconscious. We smile a little bigger than we truly feel, don't interrupt people even when we want, we have an automatic answer to how we are doing, we pretend to care about everyones dramas, we don't call people on their lies, ..... I can go on forever but if you look deeply as why we do these things, its because of how we think we might look to another person.
How would the world be if everyone walked around being 100% authentic. Only saying "I love you", when you absolutely feel it, only smiling when it comes from so deep within that you couldn't stop it if you wanted to, fully expressing that you feel crappy when your having a crappy day, etc..
Byron Katie's work has brought this to my attention and now that I have been aware of it, I have noticed how ingrained it is. At least within myself. I have come to a few realizations.
I notice I pretend behaviors when I know people are looking at me, stand differently, talk differently, I'm polite when I am not even aware that I am saying it (Thank you, Excuse me), stand taller, "appear" confident, pretend not to care, etc.. And this mostly just to people I don't really know and will probably never see again.
And the act is amplified when we are around people in which we want or need something from, especially emotionally. Once you have a need from someone I can almost 100% guarantee that that our behaviors become almost impossible to keep authentic at all times. It could be anything from, not saying what is one your mind knowing you would piss them off, trying to please them, trying to keep them from getting angry, lying completely to avoid hurting their feelings, etc..
And we do these things because we fear losing what we want from them. Most of the time it comes down to their love. But yet these people can't truly love US, if we are not being our true US. Let me say that again in another way. Someone can not love YOU, if you are not being YOU. Someone can not truly love ME for me, If I am not being ME!
If you are pretending AT ALL, even if the person responds with love you will not completely feel it because they are responding to a false YOU, a pretend YOU and whether you consciously realize this or not, it effects how you feel.
As long as we are not being our true selves we can not FEEL the love we yearn for.
As long as we are not expressing ourselves authentically we can not be truly understood.
In this understanding I have come to the conclusion that the only love and approval we need is our own.
Ask yourself , "What would I do in this moment so that I would approve of myself?" NO ONE ELSE.
"What would I do in this situation that is me Loving myself?" "What can I do to Love myself?"
We do not need to impress, please, or gain approval from our family, friends, lovers, spouse, children, co-workers, strangers, authority figures, or anyone.
The only approval YOU need is your own.
That is why it is said that "You can not love anyone until you love yourself", in my opinion this is because if you do not love yourself you are seeking it from another. And if you are seeking something from someone, you can not possibly be giving them something. Your motive is to get.
Exercise:
Next time you become aware of any moment in which you are concerned with how someone else sees or feels about you, stop for a moment and ask how you see or what you feel about yourself. Then take action accordingly.
Enjoy your day. You are the only You.
P.S. I wanted to make it clarify that I don't feel that this discovering is a bad thing. Actually writing this blog felt very empowering and authentic. I believe consciously realizing that the only person I really need to focus on love and approval of is of my own felt really liberating. This is not to imply a selfishness or lack of love for others. Actually its quite the contrary. When I don't need love from others, I am free to truly Love them for who they are. Without my own needs and expectations. The more I fulfill my own need for love and approval the more I am able to freely love others.
5 comments:
This is a competitive world, everyone competing for friendship, love, jobs, work, etc. First impressions mean alot. Confidense sells, especially when you are you, not pretenting to be something or someone your not.
I've struggled with this some too. I came to the realization that humans are natural born "interfearers" ( I thought manipulators was too harsh) we have the ability to weave and change situations to get what we crave from them. It's definately our survival instinct that kicks in, love and acceptance was vital to our ancestors. However, we've manipulated so much that extension beyond ourselves has made us controlling. As always it's about balance, I need to be loved and accepted, and at the same time, what others think of me is none of my buisness. Learning this about ourselves is part of our passage :)
WOW!!!! I read ,re-read and then re-read again and I have a lot of answers to your questions, and questions. its going to take some time to give you, what is authentic and real to me at this time in my life, and I believe that this is what you are looking for from me or anyone else who dares to comment on this amazing
I honestly feel that our seeking or needing of approval is exactly what deprives us of it.
If we got love or approval by manipulating or controlling it can't truly satisfy our need for it because the love and approval we seek is of ourselves yet we were not ourselves in order to get it.
Anytime we NEED something we have a fear of not getting it.
Wanting something is different. We can want love and approval but needing it is dangerous. Most people will say they want it when in reality they make decisions and act on the basis of needing it.
I can say at this point in my life I need it to, but my needing it is the very thing that causes pain. When I don't need anything from anyone and am 100% content with my own love and approval, life is wonderful!
Your writing has improved a lot since I last read an article from your blog. Kudos.
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