Weight, Food, Health, Discipline, Who I am.

Ever since I broke the juice fast I have been making worse choices than I have since my surgery.

I don't understand my choices. I don't understand why.  After completely changing my diet and then successfully completely a 10 day juice fast I KNOW I have the ability to make the choices and decisions that is best for my body.  But yet, I don't.... I give in to cravings, I almost have no desire to try at the moment.  Except for rare occasions when I remember why I changed my diet in the first place.

It is a totally different feeling than I had before the surgery.  Before I used to feel like I wanted to eat healthy but didn't believe I had the ability to discipline myself enough to do it.  Well now I know I do. Now I know its something else.  There is something else going on.  It feels now like more of a conscious choice not to do what is best and choose to eat the yummy option. It no longer feels like a compelling choice that I can't help.

The person I want to be enjoys eating healthy and making healthy decisions. The person I want to be has a tight healthy body.  Not really for looks, although that would be a great side benefit but more because I want to feel the way it felt to have a tight healthy body.  The energy, the health, the "lightness" I felt was my ideal physical feeling.  I want to be able to run a 5k.  I want to be able to eat less and feel good.

So why did I all of sudden decide to give up on making healthy choices?
Why did I just all of a sudden stop caring?

There is something to this and I am doing my best to work through it. It's not just about people telling me "I know you can do it" or "Just do it" or "You did it before". That is not going to help or trying to convince me why I should (I already know why), there is something else going on inside me.  It's about not having enough motivation to do it.  I know I can do it, I believe I have the ability yet for most of the day I just don't care to anymore.

Sometimes I make good decisions. At night when I crave sweets, most of the time I choose not to when before the surgery I would have given to whatever I wanted.  My breakfast is still just a very healthy and green smoothie. I make sure I take all my vitamins every day.

I haven't put back on all the weight I lost from the fast but I am on my way to.  I feel very disappointed in myself but yet its still not enough to motivate me to make better choices.  I guess my life was worth saving but my quality of life apparently isn't.  Not sure what all that is about but I'm currently in the middle of these issues.

Now with another surgery coming up.... I just feel defeated. I feel like my health is too big of a problem to fix myself with nutrition and exercise. I feel I am beyond that. No matter what I did or how well I eat, even did a juice fast, my body didn't get better.

I want to take care of my body but I want my body to take care of me.  I need the help of my mind to be completely motivated to take care of my body.  I know all of this might sound weird to most people but I know people who are familiar with personal growth or the way the mind works will understand.  Or at least I hope they will.

I feel so vulnerable and out of control.  Like I have no control over what is happening and I feel like I have just given up.  Just going to allow what happens to happen.

Why can't I just be the person I want to be, a person who loves her body and takes care of it with love.  Someone who is naturally motivated to make healthy choices and exercise.  I am tired of everyone telling me how to do it but then not even able to do it themselves.  It's about needing for something inside of me to shift, I just don't know how to get there.

I am just tired of giving into a weak mind.  I know there is a part of me that is perfectly capable of all of this and yet I am not utilizing it.

Don't think I am some superficial physical person either.  I know some people who revolve their lives around  exercise and nutrition and think a good work out is impressive as a evening spent.  I don't, that is not the life I want.  I like depth, I am a very deep person but my desire is to have a healthy balance.  A balance of enjoying life and still being able to make healthy choices.   I have always been an all or nothing person. Its kind of impossible to find balance with that.  Everything I do is always been to some extreme.

I feel heavy... not with my weight but with how I feel.  I just feel heavy, stressed, overwhelmed, no motivation, and really in a haze that I am waiting for to clear.

I guess the bottom line is, I want to be in joy. That is what I find important.  I want to feel good.  And I don't feel good with a body that is painful, unhealthy and heavy.  I feel good about my relationship.  I want to feel good about my body and health. I want to feel good about my career and finances. It's just a struggle, I find joy from freedom and food, but I feel deprived and a lack of joy from forcing myself to only eat healthy stuff that I don't enjoy eating.  I want to find the healthy balance between the two.

I realize how this post is so far away from the positive perspective that I would like to have but I feel its important to share honestly. Just hoping I start shifting and clearing some stuff inside me.

Feeling a bit drained, time for bed.

New House, Our love, My Health, LIFE!!!!!

Well I guess you can call this just a full life update.

I have been struggling to eat healthier ever since I ended the juice fast.  The odd thing about all this is I still don't feel bad about it.  I want to eat healthier but choose taste over health at the moment but I don't beat myself up over it which I would have done in the past.  I think the difference is I know I can eat healthy if I really wanted to, I did it before and after doing a 10 day juice fast I know I could definitely make better choices if it was more important to me.  I hope I can feel like healthy choices is a bigger priority soon.

Valentine's day was wonderful.  Albert really went out of his way to make the day special for me.  Flowers, stuffed animals, dinner, our date car, wine, etc.. It was romantic and perfect.  But you want to know the best part of the day?  The fact that this wasn't a rare occurrence that only happens on Valentine's day.  Albert does stuff like this all the time time for me and since he does do it often it didn't feel like he was only doing it because it was Valentine's day and I was able to enjoy it so much more!

I know Albert and I have had our challenges, heck I have gone to hell and back with him.  And a lot of people were skeptical about us being together and moving forward.  It was a scary decision a couple years ago but I have to tell you that  I AM SO GLAD I FOLLOWED MY HEART.  This entire situation just proves to me how following our heart is our truth and the best thing for us.  When I decided to recommit to Albert again after everything we had been through, I couldn't even imagine in being this good and I still did it!  Everyday Albert makes me feel so glad that I made the decision I did.  He takes care of me in every way possible, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and at the moment even financially.  Words still do not describe how lucky I feel.  He makes me want to be a better woman everyday and take care of him the way he takes care of me.  He makes me feel special, appreciated and cherished.   We have gone through a lot this past year and half and he has shocked me (positively) with every challenge we have faced.  I honestly don't know how I would have got through all this health stuff without him.  Albert truly accepts and loves me for who I am and loves and wants me no matter what!  I never knew love like this existed, I feel so very very lucky and love the man he is.  I would be one proud mama if my son turns out to be a man like him.  I can go on forever about this topic because I just feel so grateful and words don't seem to express it completely but I'll stop here. I just needed to express how amazing Albert it is. He deserves to be seen for the man he is.

For this reason I am able to believe in source having great things in store for me.  As Albert and I had many problems before I could of never imagined having the relationship we have now, actually I couldn't have imagined having that with anyone.  But all I knew is I wanted a good, healthy, loving, GREAT relationship with him.  I made decisions accordingly, even when it seemed like I might be making a mistake and in the end I was given something greater than I could have ever asked for.  If Source can do this with my relationship, it can certainly do this with my health, and my career.  Which are the two things I am struggling a lot with at the moment.  I need to find a way to remind myself to stay true to my intentions and trust in the universe.  I do have to admit that if I could only have one thing, my relationship, my career, or my health, I would pick my relationship without a doubt in my mind.  But I hope that I don't have to choose and that I have good things in store for me in my future, in our future!

I have some weird stuff going on inside me with my cervix and uterus.  On good days I feel hopeful and on days when I have a lot of symptoms or feel helpless I feel doubtful.  I want to be healthy and feel good again, normal again.  Most of all I want to be able to have a baby with Albert. I know he wants children and when the subject comes up he is very loving, he says "If we have a baby, then I was meant to have children, if we aren't able to have kids, then I was not meant to have any babies, We have Joel."  Words can not describe how this makes me feel.  He is amazing and its wonderful to know he is this way, but I still want to give him babies. I want to experience that with him, watching him care for our baby would melt me every day.  I hope we get to experience this, I hope my body allows this to happen.  I worry a lot and am scared.  I don't know what is happening in me, the doctors don't even know.  Lots more testing to do and hopefully we will get some answers soon.

Now about our house.... Oh this house!!!!!!!!  This house has probably caused the two of us to have more stress than I know what to do with!  It has been a roller coaster.  One day its good news, the next bad...   We had originally thought of moving to Fontana.  In Fontana we would have been able to buy a home three times as big as the ones in Covina and much much newer than the homes in Covina.  But it was very important to Albert for Joel to be near his school and his friends.  So with that choice comes a lot of sacrifices.  The house is much smaller than I imagined us getting, it has its share of issues and is 50 years old.  But its best neighborhood in Covina, its within walking distance of Joel's soon to be High School and the area has almost NO crime.  It is an excellent area in a blue ribbon school distract and for that we had to make other sacrifices.  But more importantly its not only a house, it will be our home.  We make the home not the house.  I am excited to move, escrow closes this coming Thursday, that is if everything is fixed and ready by then and it doesn't end up cancelling.   We won't know until then.  If we lose this house for any reason we start all over and hope we find another house in the same exact area.  I have almost had panic attacks over stuff with this home and I am not one that has panic attacks,  It's even more difficult with me not working because we have less money to get the house to the state we want it to be in.

I hope to get all this health stuff sorted out and get back to work as soon as possible. To be honest I hope to find a job that will be a step forward in my career and go back to my bar job and work both for awhile as getting another job will be a pay cut at first.  Either way when it comes time for me to go back to work, it will be great to have two incomes again.  The sooner this health stuff gets sorted out, the better.

After Juice Fast Update!

Well I must say that the juice fast definitely did not do what it to do for me mentally.

Physically it was everything I wanted and more. My body felt amazing, slim, healthy, and physically the fast was  a piece of cake!

Mentally on the other hand it kind of back fired a little for me. At about day 3 the cravings started and the intensity of them increased every day.  So when I broke the fast, it felt impossible to stay away from all the foods I had been craving for over a week!

I have heard people say that after a juice fast you become very conscious of what you put into your body.  I thought this would be the case and more importantly I was hoping it would be the case. But it wasn't!  Before the juice fast I was already eating very healthily and I had eliminated almost all toxin foods from diet.

I hate to it admit it but now I have been eating all that bad stuff.  I still make sure I have my smoothie for breakfast and I take vitamins with every meal but my food choices are not good at the moment, I was hoping they got better not worse.

Hopefully once I satisfy my cravings I will get back to eating healthier more than not.  I really do want to eat healthy and feel good physically.

We'll see!

Day 2 after the juice fast.

Throughout the morning my stomach felt fine until mid afternoon.  A little bit if stomach cramps and urgency to use the restroom. Or maybe, I am just more sensitive to my digestive system since I didn't have to experience it for 10 days.

I eat as healthy as possible most of the day and allow myself to have whatever I want for one meal.  I like that balance it feels right to me. I plan to go back to the gym today to start walking on the treadmill and see how my body takes that.

I stopped taking all medication, vitamins, and supplements while on the fast so I am having to get back into the routine of taking everything again.  Yesterday, I remembered to take a little more than the day before.  Hopefully within a few days I will have the routine down again.

I also do my best to get at least one cup of green tea in a day.  I was still drinking decaf green tea while I was fasting but now that I am not fasting I feel like I need to be drinking more of it.

I was also considering doing another juice fast in 3 months or so.  Since I was only willing to go the 10 days I think another fast would be do within a few months.  From what I understand each fast is very different.  All I know is that from what I experienced physically juice fasting is very good for my body.  I could feel it, its a dramatic difference and I want my body to continue to detox on a regular basis.

I do worry that I am not going to be able to keep the balance with my food. I tend to be an all or nothing type of person. I either eat extremely healthy without going off of it at all or I eat all very unhealthy meals.  I would be very surprised if I am able to keep the balance I feel is right for me.  It is my intention that the majority of my meals and choices be healthy with a few yummy choices a day.   That is balance a good balance I believe but we'll see how that works out for me.

I don't think I'll have much to write about the fast until I weigh myself again on Monday.

Enjoy!

The day after my Juice fast: I can eat!

I woke up to a thoughtful card my mom had left for me which was very loving.

I was a little hesitant to eat because I wasn't sure how my body would react.

I started to feel hungry about the time I would drink my first juice, so I had my smoothie instead.  Luckily the smoothie was pretty watery and not too thick today so it would go down smoothly.  The smoothie tasted extremely good compared to my juices and I surely did miss my smoothies.   I only had about half of what I would normally drink and then I felt full.   A little while later my stomach did become a little hard and I had some cramps but I figured it was my digestive system turning back on.  I couldn't have eaten anything healthier than my smoothie.  It is a very green smoothie.  :)

I also weighed myself this morning and I have lost a total of 15 pounds!  3 to 5 pounds is water weight and will return within the next few days.  But that is still 10 to 12 pounds lost.  Which is good.  I look forward to losing more weight.

I picked up my sister so that we could spend the day together.  I had some more of my smoothie a few hours later when I felt hungry again.  But before too long I was very hungry in a way I haven't felt for over 10 days.  Once that digestion and metabolism turns back on, you can definitely feel it.

So, I was sooooo bad.  I gave in and had Jack in the Box.  I got one of their breakfast sandwiches with no bacon or yolk on it.  So it was pretty much bread, egg whites, cheese and ham. I even had a some hash brown sticks.  I know it wasn't healthy but I surely enjoyed it!  This kept me full for quite a long time.

Later on in the day I had crazy stomach pains and I had several bowel movements.

My sister, my son and I then went to have dinner with my brother at his favorite vegetarian place.  I had the best time.  We laughed, had very deep conversations, we made future plans, it was just pure joy.  I love all of them very much.  I didn't eat much of the food though, I didn't order anything and just tried a bite off of everyone's plates.  I still wasn't hungry.

My sister and I then went to Dave and Busters which was fun.  I started to get extremely tired towards the end.  We didn't eat anything there and I had no desire to either.

When I got home and started getting ready for bed, I had a few organic raisins which were delicious!

It was a great day!

Day 10: Last day of the juice fast.

Today was slightly easier than yesterday but I think that is because I knew that it was the last day.  Although any smell, picture, or actual food really got to me.

I really hope I am able to continue to make healthy choices after this fast but the things I have been craving for the last 10 days are not very healthy foods.

I re-watched "food matters" with my fiance today in order to try and remind myself how important it is to make sure nutrition comes first.  However, I have learned through this process that balance is key.

I love the social aspect of food and I love to enjoy the tastes of foods, they both bring a lot of joy so I hope I am able to find a healthy balance between making sure I make mostly healthy choices in order to get the nutrients that are very important as well as enjoying experiencing the joy that food brings me.

I was a bit sad today but I was dealing with a few issues with my health that get to me sometimes.

I gave in and took my advair for my asthma today because my lungs were just getting too bad.  It was becoming concerning.

As of now, I officially made it 10 days on a juice fast without cheating once.  I didn't have anything to eat not even as much as a raisin.

I wonder how it will feel start eating again and to be able to taste food again!

Yayyyy!

Day 9 of juice fasting: So glad its almost over!

Tomorrow is the last day of my juice fast. I will be breaking the fast wednesday morning with a smoothie and then some fruit and veggies for lunch.

Physically I feel okay other than a little bit of light headedness and weakness through out the day.  But mentally this was torture.

People have to eat around me and you can't go anywhere without seeing or smelling food!

This definitely did  not get easier as the days went by as I thought it would.

My fiance keeps telling me I smell funny.  Not bad just like a strong stinging smell like asian food.  I am assuming it is from the ginger and garlic I put into my juices.

I'm very excited to enjoy the tastes of foods again.

One more day, Yaaaay!!!!

Good Night!

Day 8 of my juice fast: Who said it would get easier?

I had almost no detox symptoms today. I slept late and got tired early.

However, my cravings are getting worse and worse everyday. I can not wait to eat again.

Once I go to bed I have two more days. But in actuality until I can actually eat normally again it will be a bit longer.

My fiance has really noticed the weight loss which is really good especially since he sees me everyday.  I don't plan on weighing myself again until the morning after day 10.

I don't think this fast served its purpose in the area of making me want to eat nothing but healthy food.  I was eating extremely healthily before I started the fast but now that I am on the fast I crave everything that is bad for me and I honestly can not wait to eat it.  I don't know how that will work out as it is not my desire to back track or to start eating unhealthily.

I hope tomorrow is better but I have a suspicion it is only going to get worse.

We'll see tomorrow.

Day 7 of Juice Fast: One more day down!

I woke up super early on my own this morning at around 5:30am which has never happened to me. I don't consider myself a morning person and 5:30am is just beyond too early.  But I couldn't sleep and was full of energy so I got up and started my day.

I have started to notice how smooth and clear my face is looking.  My skin has never looked so good.

My cravings have still not subsided.  I have lots of craving and have practically fell in love with food even more through this process which I am pretty sure wasn't the point.  However, I am sure I have also learned a lot of discipline and control...... Hopefully I have!

I had a nice long talk with Vicki tonight.  We ended up talking for quite a long time until Albert came "home". It was a very deep and healing conversation.  It doesn't surprise me as our relationship is built on this kind of stuff but I was surprised how it happened so naturally and how we always seem to go to the exact place that one of us or both of us need.

I attribute a lot of this "talk" or clearing to my fasting.  My mind is so quiet that I have become even more aware of my thoughts and feelings.  I consider myself a pretty conscious person to begin with but this fasting has definitely cleared my mind to a point that is rare. It really enables me to work through a lot my feelings and thoughts.  But it also helps that I am spending a lot of time with Vicki as I said before our relationship is really built on depth and helping each other grow and shift.

We'll off to bed.

Juice Fast Day 6: Anger and More

Morning Post:

Today I am experiencing a lot of anger which isn't like me.  I am glad my fiance is working so he doesn't have to deal my anger.

I'm just angry about all of these health issues.  I do my best to take care of myself, I even go above and beyond what the doctors expect and want of me yet I still keep having more and more sh*t come up. On top of that my body decides to play tricks so the Doctors have a harder time diagnosing stuff and curing it.

One second I have cancer, the next, I'm told my tumor is not malignant but its not benign (OK?). Then I am told I need radiation, then I am told radiation isn't a good option for me. Then I am told that Desmoid Tumors(Two: One the size of a grapefruit, the other the size of a baseball) which is what they removed from me, are extremely rare that only 600 cases have been recorded ever and that from what they know the tumor has a 50 to 70% chance of regrowing. And that it is locally aggressive and destroys everything in its path.  Yet, no radiation to reduce the chances of regrowth because I am too young!  On top of that finally out of all the freakin doctors I see the radiologist is the one that finally takes the time to explain everything to me.  Which in his words "The tissues of the tumor are not cancerous but the tumor itself behaves as if it were a cancerous tumor."

Now the second issue.  I start having a whole bunch of other symptoms (kind of embarrassing and disgusting so I will keep them to myself).  So I go the Doctors and guess what she is stumped by my cervix, have never seen what is going on with my cervix and can't stop the symptoms. So, then I go to a different doctor the VERY next day who now can't see anything wrong with cervix and I have absolutely NO symptoms!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!!!! Okay, I'll take this miracle, some how it magically cured it self!  HA!  Not that lucky, symptoms return a few days later!  So now I have all kinds of testing and doctors trying to solve this! I feel like my body is literally playing with me.

Okay that had nothing to do with the fast at all but had more to do with a whole lot of anger and I experiencing at the moment which I attribute to the emotions coming up because of the fast.

I am pissed off that I have to do this fast for my health and that I have to now watch what I eat in hopes it will reduce the chances of the tumor regrowing. I am f*cken pissed right now about that.  I LOVE food.

This anger is so foreign to me and usually I would be worried about what it means but right now I just don't give a rats ass how it looks or what it means.

With my luck this fasting will be all for nothing!

My throat is itchy, my lungs are still giving me a hard time and this anger doesn't feel good! I thought that after a few days of the fast it was supposed to get easier and easier!

I'm going back to bed.

Evening Post:

I weighed myself this morning and I lost 11 pounds.  That is a big loss, 11 pounds in 6 days which is good.  I know that 3 to 5 pounds are water weight and will return when I break the fast but I also hope to lose a few more pounds before I break the fast in five days, Wednesday February 7th.  I can't wait.

I feel a little edgy and still feel the anger, not like this morning but its still there.  I went and had a massage to help get the toxins moving out of my muscles and then out of my body.  Back in April I signed up for a year contract (one massage a month) with this massage place and I haven't been going the last few months so I had a few massages saved up which has been useful during the fast.

Even though I took a nap, I still feel tired.

Today I felt this new feeling.  A feeling of my stomach being empty.  It's not uncomfortable but its not comfortable either, just different.

Til tomorrow!

Juice Fast Day 5: Finally!

I woke up earlier than I would normally and felt okay for most of the day.  I actually had one of those fasting highs I have heard about.  I felt amazing this morning.

The last two days were the most difficult so I was very grateful for having some good moments.  It didn't last all day and I noticed I tend to be a little more "short fused" but it was definitely a little easier. I am looking forward to experiencing some more highs like that.  It was almost like the happiness a person who is buzzed from drinking alcohol gets except without my consciousness being altered.  It was a very clear high, I actually have not felt that good in a very long time.

I did have some difficulty breathing.  I have not taken any of my asthma medicine since I started the fast in hopes that my lungs would do some healing as well.  My Naturopath said that magnesium would help because it will relax the muscles around my lungs.  So, I took some of that in the morning and it worked like a charm until later that night after juicing I was wheezing really bad.  So, I gave in and took my inhaler.

I had an interesting experience that is probably doing to sound very weird to anyone who has never fasted before. I went to Fresh and Easy to find some all natural disinfective spray since it seems everyone in this house is sick and that is the last thing I need.  Going into a grocery store was not smart in the first place but as I was leaving the store my mind was completely somewhere else, and then I see this pizza... It felt like it smacked me in the face, it like consumed me and stopped me mentally in my tracks.  It was almost the way someone would feel if they see something shocking or painful (I'm not trying to be dramatic, just paint a clear picture) but it wasn't painful it just mentally took me over and it was so sudden.  It was a crazy feeling.  Of course, I didn't think once about buying or eating it but it sure took all my attention for a second.


Albert has been helping me do the juicing the last few days and I enjoy doing it together. Plus its a lot of work and a lot of clean up.  He pretty much just takes over which is very welcomed, juicing is a pain in the ass.

My sister is here from Oregon and we spent the day together.  I missed my sister and although we didn't do much I really enjoyed having her around.  She will be here for 3 more weeks which I am very happy about. I learned that she has done some fasting herself! Finally someone who can understand.

I spent some time with my friend Vicki today as well.  I didn't realize how far behind I was with all the wedding stuff.  These health issues have really taken a lot of time from me.  Hopefully this fast will really help me be on my way to completely being healed from ALL of it and can now move forward.  A few more tests and medications, and if no unpleasant surprises or news show up it should only be a few more weeks.  I will be glad to put this chapter behind me.


I had planned on weighting myself today since its Day 5 but I'm tired and I don't feel like it.  I'll do it tomorrow.  The weight really isn't all that important although I do expect to lose some and the more the merrier but it isn't my motivation. Although,  I do have to admit that if I don't lose much weight I will be disappointed.

On that note... I will be glad to eat again!

I'm half way there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Juice Fast Day 4 : It's not getting easier!

Well it's not terrible difficult like I thought it would be.  Compared to what I thought it would be it has been rather easy.  However, the cravings taunt me.   I can be driving or talking to someone and some kind of food just pops into my head.  Something no where in site or had nothing to do with conversation. It's totally out of the blue.

I'm not sure if I shared what I put in my juices.  I really don't drink as much as I think I should be drinking but I have no desire to drink them.  I even have to remind myself to drink water.  I strain my juice again after being juiced in order to remove any extra pulp) My juicing consists of  Apples, Pears, Kiwi, Blueberry, Carrots, Celery, Broccoli, Cabbage, Spinach, Ginger, Garlic, Parsley, Cucumber, Lemon, and Beet.  Now doesn't that sound delicous....... We'll its not!   It's terrible!  I dilute it with water and probably drink about 32oz a day.

There are still lots of body aches and pains but the headache has mostly gone.

I can't believe I still have 6 more days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 3 of juice fasting: Now it gets hard!

The first two days were much easier than today.

Last night is when it started.  Not only with the detox symptoms but also with the cravings.  Of course my body has to do everything differently.  Out of all the stories I heard not one person said Day 1 and 2 were easier for them.

I had a headache at various times throughout the day and lots of muscle and body aches.  The cravings were kind of intense.  I haven't really experienced much hunger at all, but lots and lots of cravings. And now I am craving food that I wasn't even eating or craving before the fast.  I'm craving all the "bad" or rather yummy foods.  Pizza, Olive Garden, Macaroni and Cheese, and the Mexican Churros from near my fiances work.

I have definitely learned the difference between physical hunger and a mental appetite.  I still have an appetite but no real hunger.

I feel kind of anxious and panicky when I think about still have so many days to go, it feels impossible.  Now I get the idea of one day at a time.

I hope the body aches go away and I experience the good stuff of the fast soon.

Til tomorrow

Day 2 of Juice Fasting: Not so bad!

Well today was not as bad as I expected.

I woke up with a headache, muscles feel a little tight, and feeling pretty tired and fatigued. I relaxed for most of the day and then went to get a massage in hopes to help release the toxins from the muscles and allow them to relax. When I got up from the massage, my face was super red almost as if I was having an allergic reaction to something on my skin yet nothing was put on my skin. I just figured it was something to do with detoxing and laying face down for awhile.

I considered making an appointment for a colon hydrotherapy treatment but I a little nervous about that since I have heard conflicting stories. Some day it can be painful and some say if done right it shouldn't be painful. I know that during a juice fast toxins build in the colon and its important to get them out. I haven't made the appointment yet we'll see what I do.

Driving home from the massage I started to feel anger. Angry that I "can't" eat. Angry that I had/have all these health issues. Angry that I don't know if they are getting better or if I am going to have more stuff to deal with in the future. Just plain anger. Which is a little odd.

I seem a little bit more conscious of my feelings and more talkative. I have spurts of energy which is really odd where I just want to talk forever. That usually only happens when I am talking to either Albert or my friend Vicki, or if I had been drinking.

It's only day two and I feel a tinge of confidence from this. Probably just because this isn't necessarily easy and yet it something I am doing out of love and care for myself. It feels good that I am actually doing this. I still can't believe it.

I kind of expect tomorrow to be terrible. Just because yesterday or today was not nearly as bad as I expected and others have said, so I assume the worst is still to come.

We'll see how far I make it.

Day 1 of Juice Fasting

Day 01 was a lot easier than I thought it would be.

I didn't like juice very much so every time I got a bit hungry I would take a drink of the juice and it made me nauseous taking my hunger away quickly. Towards the end of the day I felt slightly spacey.

I couldn't believe how easy it was for me to just not eat the entire day. Especially since I LOVE food.

Don't get me wrong I fantasize about food all day long and I am not saying it was easy, just much easier than I anticipated.

I didn't get the runs either like I was warned but then again I didn't drink much juice.

Today's juice was Apple, Pear, Broccoli, Celery, Carrots, Lemon, Spinach and Cabbage. I think I put way to much lemon since I really tasted the lemon.

A little scared about what tomorrow has in store for me. Most people say the second day is the worst.

We'll see

The day before my 10 day Juice fast Journey

I have read all about the benefits of fasting over the past couple of years, as well as the benefits of juicing and veggies. But I would have never thought I would be doing a juice fast.

A lot of things had to happen in order to get me to the place I am right now.

After being told I had cancer, tumors, then problems with my cervix all at the young age of 31 years old, I decided to change my health. I started educating myself on nutrition, eating better, and making my health a priority.

Then about a week ago I watched a movie called "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" and still having many issues with my health, I was inspired to do a juice fast.

I am not the type of person to do things like this. I love food, I love all the "wrong" foods and I would have never thought I would be even thinking about juice fasting for one day let alone 10.

But here I am! I have already eaten my last meal, brown rice spaghetti's noodles with organic tomatoes and basil. Yummmmm

Now I am getting a little nervous about all of this. I researched juice fasting as much as I possible could. I tried to prepare as much as possible in regards to knowing what to expect, having the support I believe I will need, and getting very clear about why I am doing this.

So................ I know this is going to be challenging. I know the next few days are going to be particularly hard and that scares me. In the past I have not done well with anything that was challenging. I tend to want to give up. I know If I give up during my juice fast, I will feel really bad but I also know the chances of me giving up are high since this is not going to be anything close to easy.

I think I am more scared about whether I can make it through this or not than the idea of not eating. No matter how much I have grown or evolved I still have some unsupportive habits of allowing my emotions and moods to have to control at times when things get difficult.

I want to accomplish 10 days of a juice fast. I want to succeed, its very important to me and my body.

We'll see what happens!

Tiffany

I just need to write.

Happiness! Isn't that what everyone wants?

At least for me over the past months or years my desires have begun to separate from happiness. My main goal in life is not to obtain all that I desire, My main goal is to be happy. Although I do plan on experiencing everything I desire and more!

Most make the mistake assuming when they obtain those things in life in which they desire is when they will have happiness and most have yet to learn that is entirely untrue. A lot of people who get everything they want are more miserable than those of us in which life has been challenging. We think we know what we want until we get it.

What about just trusting that we already have what we need to be happy. Yes, I know I am repeating that old cliche, but its true. However, what is one to do when you discover happiness is not outside of oneself, but has yet to find happiness inside oneself.

I can truly say I am happy with who I am, I am proud of who I have become. I never gave up on myself and I did the work to be where I am today. I am discovering that no other person, place, or thing can truly make me happy. They can bring me pleasure, yes, but true lasting happiness I KNOW comes from a deep internal state within myself.

At times I feel limited, restricted, needing to break free. I currently have no outlet as most have. I don't drink or party, I don't have a job that pumps me full of adrenaline, I don't have a drama filled life anymore (most of the time), I don't have any extreme sports or other outlets in which to express myself.

I can see how I limit myself. I can see how I can be that person singing, dancing, really connecting with something, fully expressing who I am. I have it in me. Yet, it sits, dormant. Everything happens for a reason and I look forward to the day when I have no inhibitions and just allow myself to let go.

Although my life is amazing, I still get the feeling I am playing small. There is so much more inside me. Its just learning how to play big, learning what BIG is for me?

It's not a perfect job, or marriage, or kids, or new seminar. It's something within me. I know expression and connection have something to do with it.

I wonder when I will find MY intensity.

Until then, in the meantime I am practicing trusting and surrendering. Surrender? What does that mean? I have no idea what letting go looks like, I don't know what trusting looks like. It has been me against the world for as long as I can remember. If I didn't fight for myself, no one else would.

It's time I take a chance, put my sword down and see where life will take me. I may get stabbed in the heart without my shield or any way to protect myself but its a risk I am willing to take. Now I just need to learn how to do it.

Trust! A word used so liberally and one in which I hear daily. Yet I don't think I truly know the experience of trust. I have never learned how to trust. Not myself, not life, not God, not anyone else.

So it is my current journey to learn how to trust ME! To trust Life, To trust God, and to trust the man I love.

Now thats a tall order!

Love and Joy,

Tiffany

Change within stillness, trust, confidence and the unknown.

I haven't posted in quite some time.  Even as I set the intention to write often, I slip out of expressing myself and fall back into the old habit of staying in my own mind.

Today has been very reflective and I must say, not much has changed over the past few months in my life yet it feels as if everything has changed.

I don't have any evidence to show or explain how my life has changed.  From another persons perspective that would be looking at my life from the outside, I am sure they would say nothing at all has changed.  Yet some how it has.

I guess the biggest change is that I am ready for life.  Everyday I am more and more ready for whatever life has in store for me.  Sometimes I look back and see how challenging my life has been, how nothing has really gone smoothly for me and this used to scare me.  To be honest it still does at times, but more and more I am ready to see what comes next.  The fear is melting away of it being bad, which it might.  It might just be more challenges and more pain.  But it also might be greatness, excitement, joy, love... I am more ready today than I was yesterday and the day before that or before that.


Am I scared to see what life has in store for me?  Boy am I.  But I am now at a point where I am learning to trust, I am learning to relax (just a little!  lol, I said learning) and try not to control every moment.  I am becoming more flexible, a little more confident, curious, and just surrendering.

Instead of trying to force life to go my way with every once of energy I have, I am learning to relax and just observe what unfolds before me.  This has not been easy and at times I fall back into old habits but just the mere fact that I can even do it a little, is so beautiful.

So my point.......  I don't have any changes or wonderful progress to report.  Same job, same school, same relationship situation, same living situation.  But I am freer than I ever have been.  I anticipate that it(the feeling of being free) will only increase. Words can not describe the type of progress I feel. Perhaps it isn't progress, perhaps its more of undoing of limitation.  Undoing the mental and emotional restrictions, I have placed on life.  What ever it is,  Today I am just a little more free!

In the next year or so my life is going to change in some very drastic ways and what can be the scariest thing is I really don't know what those changes will be, I just know they are coming in every area of my life I am at a place of transition, of some type of movement being the only option. Graduation, Living Situation changing, Relationship changing, much much more.


Next year, I could be married in a new house and a baby on the way or I could be single in a wonderful job enjoying lots of new experiences or anything in between.  But thats wild, I just don't know what my life will look like a year from now and unlike a lot of people I don't even have a clue of what it will look like.

The only thing I know is I am me.

What ever this change I feel (trust, confidence, faith) is and even if its only for the moment or for a few moments,  I look forward to watching it expand and feel more and more of it.  I am sure it will be tested, thats what life has been about for me, but all I can say is how I feel right now.  And right now I am just a little less scared of change and a little more free.  I don't know what life has in store for me but I know it will be interesting at the very least.  Big changes,  I think.


I just felt the urge to write tonight.

Life is OK.  :-)