My Grandpa ended his journey here in the physical world on Friday March 15th, 2013.
He is one of the most amazing men I have ever known and feel so blessed that he was such a huge part of my life (Joel and I lived with him for 11 years, we moved out less than a year ago).
He was diagnosed with leukemia a few weeks back and started chemo almost immediately. So I had a few weeks to accept what was happening, I knew in my heart that the chemo would kill him as it did but either way with or without it, his time was coming.
I am glad it came quickly for him and he didn't suffer or struggle. He was already becoming miserable and angry with what was happening. At 83, he lived a long life, touched so many lives and will definitely leave his mark in this world.
Everyone see's death differently. The heaven or hell stuff for those that are religious. Some think when our body dies that is it. Others like myself who are spiritual yet not religious believe that death means that when our bodies die who we really are becomes part of everything, part of what we came from, and returns to all that is and ever will be (the Source/Creator). To clarify that, I believe my grandpa is now part of me, within me, is everything, and now back to Source. So for the most part I have peace with where he is.
I talk to him, in my mind (not out loud).
The grieving process is different for everyone. Most of the time I am okay, although I have a feeling of deep processing no matter what "mood" I am emitting. I also know that his death was good for him and when I feel sad I am only feeling sad for myself. I do have moments of sadness and tears when I consider not being able to enjoy his physical presence again, But for the most part I feel okay and am very happy that he transitioned so quickly without suffering any further.
Yet, I know something is occurring deep within me because I don't want to talk to others about my grandfathers death. I only talk to my husband about my feelings and I don't mind talking to other people who were close to him about him or about how they are feeling. Other than that, I have no desire and actually will avoid talking to concerned friends or anyone else about "how I am doing". I don't want to be comforted by others as most of the time I don't need to be comforted. I don't want to see or hear the look of sadness or sympathy as people ask me how I am and then want a response. Maybe it's because I don't have an answer, or maybe because most of the time I am okay and won't have a response they are looking for. I know that when I need others I will reach out but as for right now I need time to grieve and process what this means to me by myself or just with my husband. But I know the fact that I feel this way and don't want to talk to others about it means something, I'm just not sure what it means yet.
Another way I can feel something deep within happening is that although I know intellectually my grandpa is gone, I have a hard time hearing people talk about his stuff. To me it is still his stuff. Which really doesn't make much sense on an intellectual level but I am not ready for anything of his to be anything else but his. Even people talking about what his will says and who gets what feels so odd to me. In my opinion it's not time for that.
Yesterday I went to my grandpa's house for the first time since his death. It was not as hard as I thought it would be but I had a few emotional moments. Every single time I looked upstairs and seen his jacket he always wore hanging on his chair, I had a flood of emotions come over me. I can still see him putting his jacket on or taking it off. I feel my grandpa when I look at his jacket.
This morning I was offered his jacket. Although I know in the future it is probably something I will really want because for some reason I really feel my grandpa when I see that jacket, at this time I can not accept and am not ready to. It is still his.
Sometimes I cry for reasons I can not explain, like in this moment. Thinking of him. I want to say it comes from sadness but I am not sure. If it does I am not completely connected to that sadness yet. I just cry.
My grandpa, William R. Hornsby Jr., was an amazing man. He is the example of a Great Man. His love and commitment to my grandma far surpasses anything I have ever seen besides in them. He worked until the day he was hospitalized and diagnosed with leukemia. He took care of anyone and everyone he could. The physical world lost a wonderful man. A hero, Our hero, My Hero.
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