Lately I have been reading a whole slew of books. Which I typically do as I either get bored of one or need time to process what I have read before I go any further, as everything I read is informative, educational, or self help. But as usual, they tend to compliment each other in some way or another even if they are on totally different subjects.
As I did my daily power walk today, I was listening to an audio book on the energy of the mind and how passion plays a role in the life we create. I had come to the conclusion that I need to get more passionate about what I want to do with my life besides being a mother and wife. I know I have something stirring in me yet I can't seem to connect with it.
These thoughts led me to think about how I was happy in my marriage and also how I was blessed to have the perfect opportunity to make attempts at doing whatever it is I want to do. Yet, I have no clear vision or idea of what that is. I lack a lot of clarity in what I would love to do with my time when I am not with my husband or son(s).
My grandpa's passing has got me thinking about a lot of things. I really want to enjoy my days as fully as possible. Although I love being a mother and a wife to my amazing husband I know there is more than just that within me that needs to be expressed and experienced. So I have been thinking a lot about who I want to be in this world, what I want to contribute, and what I want to experience.
Then I heard a talk on vulnerability just a little while ago. I have done a lot of personal growth work and I will continue to do it the rest of my life. But because I have read so many books and have done so much work thus far, I find its becoming harder and harder to find the subjects or thoughts that give me great aha moments and insight.
This talk on vulnerability caused a huge aha moment for me. It's been a little while since I last experienced such a profound moment. This is big for me. Very big.
Although I pride myself on being authentic, I can't say I am able to be vulnerable. Actually I go out of my way not to be vulnerable. How can I be so authentic and not be vulnerable. I'm not convinced it's not possible. Maybe I have just been authentic with my judgments or thoughts, but that doesn't mean I have let anyone see or feel the vulnerable me.
I realized that the only person I am truly vulnerable with is my husband. We share our lives and things with each other that I don't think either one of us would dare tell another soul. But nothing is perfect and there is always room to grow and evolve. I'm sure we could do this more often and on a deeper level. These thoughts also made me realize that you couldn't have true intimacy without vulnerability.
Besides with my husband I think I keep heavy armor on with anyone and everyone else. I'm always looking for the right thing, the conscious thing, the more evolved thing to think, be, see, or perceive and that is what I communicate. It's true that I think, see or perceive those things, however anything that is not aligned with what I value and believe in, I would leave out.
I try to express my strengths as much as possible but I don't show my weaknesses or perceived flaws. I either try to conquer them or keep them to myself.
I consider myself a pretty grounded person and try to come off that way as much as possible. And to be honest, I don't get angry easy, I don't remember the last time I yelled, and I have pretty good control over my emotions compared to the average female BUT I have my moments. For example, put me behind a car with someone driving in a way that I can't stand and you would think that I was possessed.
Another one:
For the last 10 years or so I have belonged to a gym. For the most part getting myself to exercise is easy. It has become part of who I am. But asking me to eat healthy is a entirely different story. I still struggle with eating the way that is even best for me and my unborn child at this moment. Food as a particular power over me that I have never admitted until this moment.
Even now I can see how I have to express some good things before I even feel comfortable enough to share my perceived short comings.
Hmmmmmm....... Let's try one more time.
I lack major self discipline. I start a lot of things without finishing them. I'm lazy way more often than I would like to be and I judge people's driving and egos.
That didn't feel so comfortable.
I could go on but right now that is besides the point. It's obvious that just writing what I believe to be my weaknesses out on a blog is not stepping into being completely vulnerable and definitely not even the tip of the iceberg but it's a good start and to be honest I don't know where to go from here at this very moment.
I don't want to hide from my weaknesses or short comings any longer. We all know that in doing that I am only lying to myself and is a form of denial. Something I am openly against.
I clearly don't know where this is going to take me but I can feel I am on the right track. I know that although being vulnerable feels uncomfortable now, it is what I lack and what I need in order to be even more true to my values of authenticity and becoming fully confident and self assure.
I realize that in order to align with my value of authenticity, I must learn to be vulnerable. Removing the veil of numbness and denial. I honestly don't know how I didn't see this before. It brings a lot of clarity to things I couldn't quite get a grip of prior to seeing this.
Joy is my goal. I can feel how to be a truly joyful person feels vulnerable, at least to me and it may be the resistance I need to let go of which I have been looking for. As stated in the audio book I am listening to "If you are not experiencing something you desire, it is absolutely sure there is something within you resisting it." I have joy in my life in a lot of areas, but I feel it lacking in some other areas. Not willing or able to be vulnerable is definitely a resistance.
I don't know how quickly or deep I can take this. I doubt my ability to be a truly vulnerable person. But I can promise I am going to explore this and really do some work with it.
I'm not perfect and I hope it's time I stop trying to be.
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