Gratitude and Loving Life, Gallbladder and pregnancy.

I was reminded the other day about the power of perception and joy in life during a conversation with a very conscious and deeply genius friend. And it recently played a huge role in how I felt after what most would call a bad start to the day.

I was woken up by extreme pain in my upper abdomen.  It was a familiar feeling as I had felt it twice before but this time the pain just kept getting stronger and stronger.  Being pregnant you would think I would be rushing to the hospital and if it was lower in the area of my uterus I would have been but I knew it wasn't the baby or anything to do with the baby.  I had already talked to my doctor about this before and she said it was most likely my gallbladder and would probably have to be removed after I have the baby if the "attacks" continue.  I later found out that about 4% of pregnant women start having issues with their gallbladder and that pregnancy can cause or make the condition worse.

So I lay on my bed as my husband is now getting up for work and looks at me helplessly and as he is not sure what he should do, he can tell I felt like I was being tortured. I reassured him that it's not the baby and I just have to get through it. Needless to say after an hour and half of vomiting from the pain and contracting, taking tylenol, and trying every position possible the pain started to subside.  Of course immediately I get online to see if my symptoms are aligned with what my doctor said and they were, they are dead on.  The exact words I was using to describe it to my husband were being used online to describe gallbladder attacks. So I educated myself on the condition while I lay in bed waiting until the pain decreased enough for me to go back to sleep. I armed myself with a whole list of things to do if it happens again and laid in bed researching alternative treatments.

After some scouring the internet and thinking, I started to feel really really good.  I was a little blown away by this feeling at first but I felt so happy, I was on cloud 9.  I started to pay attention to what I was thinking and feeling.

Despite just experiencing what some have described as the worst pain they have ever felt, I was extremely happy.  I was focusing on the fact that I no longer felt the pain and was pain free. That I felt really warm and comfy in my awesome bed.  I was also thinking about how lucky I was that even though I was woken up at 4am with pain and as 7am was rapidly approaching there was nothing I HAD to get out of bed for.  That I would still be able to go back to sleep and get as much sleep as I needed. What a wonderful thought!

That led to all the amazing thoughts about my husband, how well he takes care of me, how he enables me to have such freedoms and he provides and fulfills all that I have ever needed and wanted physically and emotionally.  I felt so free thinking about all these things. I felt so loved and blessed. My husband truly is my best friend, we talk about everything and anything. We share our day with each other every day, we respect each other, we give immensely to each other and love each other deeply. I don't know how I got "so lucky" but he truly is it all!

Then my thoughts went to on how wonderful my life is. How my relationship with my son continues to grow stronger and stronger, even my two cats are just amazing.  And to top it all off we have a little miracle growing inside me, soon to expand our family and love.

I thought of how supportive and reliable my family is. I have a mother I can count on and will love me no matter what, a father who tries his hardest to be the best dad he can be, siblings who truly love me and lots and lots of other family that play significant roles in my life.

I thought of how many loving and caring friends I have. So many for so many different reasons and places in my life and how a lot of these relationships are really starting to bloom and grow.  How friendships seem to evolve or dissipate according to my needs and desires in my life without me forcing anything.

I don't think I'm an exceptional person. I try my best to be my best. I work hard on myself, my perceptions, my beliefs, and how I relate to the world but I'm no angel. I have never intentionally hurt anyone and I would be there for anyone I know if they needed me and I was able to but I have my flaws, my weaknesses, my imperfections just like everyone else.  How did I end up with such good stuff.  Is it the work I do on myself constantly?  The perceptions I hold?

I would like to continue down this path however I got here. Continue to enjoy the great things in life. I still have a lot of work to do and my focus could surely use some mastering but I am so grateful for this experience...... this life.

What could've been a very bad start to my day was an absolutely amazing one.

The power of perception!

Perception Change - Something Clicked!

Today I went to my friends baby shower and at first I was feeling bored, uncomfortable, insecure and self conscious.

I went to this baby shower alone, the only person I knew there was my friend and of course she was busy the entire time. And this was no ordinary little baby shower.  It was a huge co-ed party!  DJ, Chocolate fountain, loads of alcohol, etc..

More and more guests starting arriving and everyone else seemed to know each other and had come with their husbands or friends.  I just sat there for the longest time.

BUT......

I can't quite explain what it was or how it happened but I literally had a transformational moment.

I was sitting at a table with three couples and their babies.  Observing each couple the huge differences between each of them in the way they behaved and acted, was interesting.  One woman had just had her baby (baby was five weeks old) and this woman was full of energy, bubbly, energetic, positive, wearing a nice dress with heels.  At first I couldn't understand how although sleep deprived she was genuinely in a good mood and with a tiny newborn she had taken the time to get ready and look nice.  It was impressive and admirable.

I don't know what my thoughts were exactly but it was something along the lines of how everything is always a choice and a bunch of other empowering stuff.  Which were not new concepts to me but for some reason that day they just sank in, to a deeper understanding.

No matter what is going on in my life I still have choices.

I went to the bathroom and in the bathroom I literally went from feeling insecure about being alone, being quiet and not looking my best to just choosing to be confident and be me. I don't quite remember what my thoughts were but whatever they were they totally worked!

I left the bathroom feeling taller, smiling and really really good. I could feel that my posture felt different and everything about me body felt different.  All over having different thoughts, it was such an amazing experience to see how thoughts alone completely changed my body and entire demeanor.

Ever since that day I have started to feel more and more like myself again.

I don't necessarily know if it was the woman who chose to take the time to look nice and chose to enjoy herself no matter what else was going on in her life.  Or if it was just the right time, place, and circumstances to remind me of all the things I already know and  teach to others. But, I do know that something definitely shifted in me that day.

Boy, did I allow myself to get thrown way off track these last few months.

I'm just hoping that I can continue in this direction and with the perception I want and is me, even after I have this next upcoming surgery.  After the last surgery I felt like my brain was scrabbled up and that it is now barely coming back together and settling down.  I hope I flow through this next surgery more smoothly and am able to stay in perceptions that are more beneficial for me.