I can't help but notice how many amazing people I have in my life and how much I appreciate the people around me.
My husband is absolutely my other half. We love each other so much but most importantly we respect and honor each other. In every situation, in every area of our lives he goes far beyond what I could have ever even wanted from another. He is what makes my life amazing and he reminds me of his love every day. He makes me feel special, loved, important, and his #1 priority. I am his engine and he is mine.
My son is just awesome. He is so loving and caring yet extremely intelligent and confident. My son is such a conscious and funny child, I feel honored to be his mother.
My family is so supportive and loving. They are amazing in different ways. I won't bore everyone by going over each and every one of them but it doesn't minimize how hugely important they are to me. I hope to continue to see my relationships with them evolve, improve and deepen.
My friends are just beyond amazing. Every time I think my friends couldn't get any better they prove me wrong. I have the most amazing friends anyone could ask for. I hope to continue to grow with each and every one of them and to be able to enrich their lives the way they do mine.
I love our home. When I think back at how we were able to get our house it still reminds me of how supportive the universe/source is. Our house will always be proof to me that everything happens for a reason. From the first time I stepped into this house, I loved it. I fell in love with it, immediately. Having our own home that I love, has brought out such nurturing and care taking qualities within myself. In my eyes our house is perfect, it is our.....HOME.
I am so blessed to be able to stay home and just focus on taking care of my husband and son. And it really allows me to focus on what I really want to do with my life, in creating a career that I will truly enjoy.
The areas of my life where I would like to focus on transforming is my body and career.
My body has been through a lot this last year or so. Two surgeries, some medications, a lot of stress, and extreme life style changes. I would like to see myself not only recover from all of that but also get to a place where my body feels really good......amazingly good! I want to get to this place with joy and ease. Enjoying life, Enjoying my body.
As I said before right now I have the freedom to really explore what I really want to be doing career wise. This does not mean what I can do, or what I should be doing. To me it is about what I will ENJOY doing. What will bring me the most fulfillment. I am blessed to be in a situation where my husband makes enough money to take care of us and I can take all the time I need to really create the ideal career for myself. I want to create my career through joy, ease, and fun.
I think what is becoming important to me is to be able to enjoy every aspect of my life. I have two areas where that can use some work. But the overall theme here is JOY.
I am becoming aware of the idea that any area in my life that has to do with other people is already in a place of joy and ease. But it's time I take the next step and heal the areas in my life that has to do with me and me only. No one can create the ideal career for me and no one can make my body be healthy and energetic. I'm sure Albert would fix those things for me if he could and it probably pains him that he can't but these are two things I have to do for myself.
Interesting..... I truly love and enjoy all the people around me, its time I start loving and enjoying myself fully too! I know Albert and Joel would really appreciate a more energetic and fun wife and mother.
Enjoy!
Showing posts with label self help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self help. Show all posts
Thoughts two months after my juice fast.
Its been a while since I completed my juice fast, so I wanted to share some of my thoughts on my previous juice fasting experience.
Here is how I honestly feel about it now.
I absolutely believe in the benefits of a juice fast. The problem is that you don't only have to be able to get through the juice fast, you also have to end the fast correctly and control the cravings while introducing healthy food.
I had completed my juice fast successfully, all I drank was freshly made juice for 10 days. I never cheated, not once. Now where I went wrong was when I broke the fast, my first meal was a fruit smoothie but after that it all went down hill. Within a few days I was satisfying every craving I had had for 10 days!
So all the benefits from fasting were quickly gone.
The most amazing feeling I felt while I was fasting was a lightness that I haven't felt in years probably since I was a child. I felt so light and clear. The worst thing I felt during the fast was the intense cravings for food. I felt so deprived from what I wanted (not physically) and since that is a emotional trigger for me as well it was very difficult to deal with.
I don't regret doing the juice fast even though all that hard work went right down the drain once I broke the fast, I know I learned a lot about myself through the process of the fast and more than anything I learned to believe in myself.
A very good friend of mine just gifted Albert and I a juicer as a wedding gift, so I plan on doing a shorter fast this time and seeing if I am able to break the fast slowly and with healthy foods.
We move into our house in about two weeks and once we are settled in, I will do the shorter fast then.
I plan on educating myself more on juice fasting and proper ways of breaking a fast from now until then.
Enjoy!
Here is how I honestly feel about it now.
I absolutely believe in the benefits of a juice fast. The problem is that you don't only have to be able to get through the juice fast, you also have to end the fast correctly and control the cravings while introducing healthy food.
I had completed my juice fast successfully, all I drank was freshly made juice for 10 days. I never cheated, not once. Now where I went wrong was when I broke the fast, my first meal was a fruit smoothie but after that it all went down hill. Within a few days I was satisfying every craving I had had for 10 days!
So all the benefits from fasting were quickly gone.
The most amazing feeling I felt while I was fasting was a lightness that I haven't felt in years probably since I was a child. I felt so light and clear. The worst thing I felt during the fast was the intense cravings for food. I felt so deprived from what I wanted (not physically) and since that is a emotional trigger for me as well it was very difficult to deal with.
I don't regret doing the juice fast even though all that hard work went right down the drain once I broke the fast, I know I learned a lot about myself through the process of the fast and more than anything I learned to believe in myself.
A very good friend of mine just gifted Albert and I a juicer as a wedding gift, so I plan on doing a shorter fast this time and seeing if I am able to break the fast slowly and with healthy foods.
We move into our house in about two weeks and once we are settled in, I will do the shorter fast then.
I plan on educating myself more on juice fasting and proper ways of breaking a fast from now until then.
Enjoy!
Perception Change - Something Clicked!
Today I went to my friends baby shower and at first I was feeling bored, uncomfortable, insecure and self conscious.
I went to this baby shower alone, the only person I knew there was my friend and of course she was busy the entire time. And this was no ordinary little baby shower. It was a huge co-ed party! DJ, Chocolate fountain, loads of alcohol, etc..
More and more guests starting arriving and everyone else seemed to know each other and had come with their husbands or friends. I just sat there for the longest time.
BUT......
I can't quite explain what it was or how it happened but I literally had a transformational moment.
I was sitting at a table with three couples and their babies. Observing each couple the huge differences between each of them in the way they behaved and acted, was interesting. One woman had just had her baby (baby was five weeks old) and this woman was full of energy, bubbly, energetic, positive, wearing a nice dress with heels. At first I couldn't understand how although sleep deprived she was genuinely in a good mood and with a tiny newborn she had taken the time to get ready and look nice. It was impressive and admirable.
I don't know what my thoughts were exactly but it was something along the lines of how everything is always a choice and a bunch of other empowering stuff. Which were not new concepts to me but for some reason that day they just sank in, to a deeper understanding.
No matter what is going on in my life I still have choices.
I went to the bathroom and in the bathroom I literally went from feeling insecure about being alone, being quiet and not looking my best to just choosing to be confident and be me. I don't quite remember what my thoughts were but whatever they were they totally worked!
I left the bathroom feeling taller, smiling and really really good. I could feel that my posture felt different and everything about me body felt different. All over having different thoughts, it was such an amazing experience to see how thoughts alone completely changed my body and entire demeanor.
Ever since that day I have started to feel more and more like myself again.
I don't necessarily know if it was the woman who chose to take the time to look nice and chose to enjoy herself no matter what else was going on in her life. Or if it was just the right time, place, and circumstances to remind me of all the things I already know and teach to others. But, I do know that something definitely shifted in me that day.
Boy, did I allow myself to get thrown way off track these last few months.
I'm just hoping that I can continue in this direction and with the perception I want and is me, even after I have this next upcoming surgery. After the last surgery I felt like my brain was scrabbled up and that it is now barely coming back together and settling down. I hope I flow through this next surgery more smoothly and am able to stay in perceptions that are more beneficial for me.
I went to this baby shower alone, the only person I knew there was my friend and of course she was busy the entire time. And this was no ordinary little baby shower. It was a huge co-ed party! DJ, Chocolate fountain, loads of alcohol, etc..
More and more guests starting arriving and everyone else seemed to know each other and had come with their husbands or friends. I just sat there for the longest time.
BUT......
I can't quite explain what it was or how it happened but I literally had a transformational moment.
I was sitting at a table with three couples and their babies. Observing each couple the huge differences between each of them in the way they behaved and acted, was interesting. One woman had just had her baby (baby was five weeks old) and this woman was full of energy, bubbly, energetic, positive, wearing a nice dress with heels. At first I couldn't understand how although sleep deprived she was genuinely in a good mood and with a tiny newborn she had taken the time to get ready and look nice. It was impressive and admirable.
I don't know what my thoughts were exactly but it was something along the lines of how everything is always a choice and a bunch of other empowering stuff. Which were not new concepts to me but for some reason that day they just sank in, to a deeper understanding.
No matter what is going on in my life I still have choices.
I went to the bathroom and in the bathroom I literally went from feeling insecure about being alone, being quiet and not looking my best to just choosing to be confident and be me. I don't quite remember what my thoughts were but whatever they were they totally worked!
I left the bathroom feeling taller, smiling and really really good. I could feel that my posture felt different and everything about me body felt different. All over having different thoughts, it was such an amazing experience to see how thoughts alone completely changed my body and entire demeanor.
Ever since that day I have started to feel more and more like myself again.
I don't necessarily know if it was the woman who chose to take the time to look nice and chose to enjoy herself no matter what else was going on in her life. Or if it was just the right time, place, and circumstances to remind me of all the things I already know and teach to others. But, I do know that something definitely shifted in me that day.
Boy, did I allow myself to get thrown way off track these last few months.
I'm just hoping that I can continue in this direction and with the perception I want and is me, even after I have this next upcoming surgery. After the last surgery I felt like my brain was scrabbled up and that it is now barely coming back together and settling down. I hope I flow through this next surgery more smoothly and am able to stay in perceptions that are more beneficial for me.
The purpose of all of this!
Anyone who has been reading my blog or knows me personally knows that I have been struggling and held back with a lot of things lately.
I'm not going to complain about my difficulties but I wanted to share what I believe may be the reason for all of this.
There is a reoccurring them about everything that has happened over the last few months, which things appear like they are getting better or going to work out and then they don't, more stuff keeps happening and the experience gets prolonged and I can't move forward.
I believe as always that there is a reason for this.
I think this is all happening and will continue to happen until I focus on myself and find Joy within.
I believe that health stuff will continue to arise and get postponed so that I can't go back to work and we won't find and buy a house that is perfect for us so that I can't focus on moving and I won't have the desire to eat healthy and exercise so that I can't focus on that either......
What I feel may be happening here is nothing is going to work out right now because what I need is to learn to focus within, heal and enjoy every moment instead of be caught up in the distractions of my life, or maybe its to make me learn how to focus on the good things I have in my life now without seeking more, or maybe its to learn how to trust source to take care of me.
But I know there is a reason because one thing after another continues to happen. A surgery that was supposed to take me away from work for 3 weeks is not going into 3 months. We find a house, owners cancel 2 days before escrow closes, we find another house and they say they agree to the terms but won't sign the offer because they want to prolong the process (leaving it open for as many other offers to come in and offer more) so now our offer has expired, so we aren't getting that house either (And I really really really loved that house).
I just feel that life is not allowing me to have anything else to put my attention on and I am bored out of my mind. Some may feel that is a good thing and wish they had it but it doesn't feel good at all. But because my confidence and happiness relies on me being productive and active, all of this makes me feel lost, useless, and overwhelmed. I don't know what to do with my time and I have a craving to do something significant and purposeful yet I am not able to or haven't discovered how to yet.
My anxiety is through the roof when comes to the house stuff and my health stuff. I feel so anxious to move on and move forward yet I continue to be held back.
I know that I need to learn how to focus better on the good, the amazing love and people I have in my life and everything else that is working... And since I haven't been able to do that fully, I know in my heart things are not going to move forward until I can.
One things for sure, we'll see what happens!
I'm not going to complain about my difficulties but I wanted to share what I believe may be the reason for all of this.
There is a reoccurring them about everything that has happened over the last few months, which things appear like they are getting better or going to work out and then they don't, more stuff keeps happening and the experience gets prolonged and I can't move forward.
I believe as always that there is a reason for this.
I think this is all happening and will continue to happen until I focus on myself and find Joy within.
I believe that health stuff will continue to arise and get postponed so that I can't go back to work and we won't find and buy a house that is perfect for us so that I can't focus on moving and I won't have the desire to eat healthy and exercise so that I can't focus on that either......
What I feel may be happening here is nothing is going to work out right now because what I need is to learn to focus within, heal and enjoy every moment instead of be caught up in the distractions of my life, or maybe its to make me learn how to focus on the good things I have in my life now without seeking more, or maybe its to learn how to trust source to take care of me.
But I know there is a reason because one thing after another continues to happen. A surgery that was supposed to take me away from work for 3 weeks is not going into 3 months. We find a house, owners cancel 2 days before escrow closes, we find another house and they say they agree to the terms but won't sign the offer because they want to prolong the process (leaving it open for as many other offers to come in and offer more) so now our offer has expired, so we aren't getting that house either (And I really really really loved that house).
I just feel that life is not allowing me to have anything else to put my attention on and I am bored out of my mind. Some may feel that is a good thing and wish they had it but it doesn't feel good at all. But because my confidence and happiness relies on me being productive and active, all of this makes me feel lost, useless, and overwhelmed. I don't know what to do with my time and I have a craving to do something significant and purposeful yet I am not able to or haven't discovered how to yet.
My anxiety is through the roof when comes to the house stuff and my health stuff. I feel so anxious to move on and move forward yet I continue to be held back.
I know that I need to learn how to focus better on the good, the amazing love and people I have in my life and everything else that is working... And since I haven't been able to do that fully, I know in my heart things are not going to move forward until I can.
One things for sure, we'll see what happens!
Taking responsibility for your own feelings
Taking responsibility for our own feelings!
Although nothing new to me, this has been a reoccurring theme for me lately.
I wonder what the purpose of this idea popping into my life so frequently lately means.
Although nothing new to me, this has been a reoccurring theme for me lately.
I wonder what the purpose of this idea popping into my life so frequently lately means.
I am reading a book all about this concept.
I have also come across several quotes and images that are aligned with this concept.
And the one that is constantly reminding me is, I have someone in my life who tends to blame everyone but themselves for life and continues to hold anger and resentment towards many people for things they have done in the past. Some of these things being more than a decade ago.
I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me feels frustrated and annoyed with their behavior. Another part of me feels very compassionate and sad for this person. Imagine living decades with anger, pain and resentment towards lots of different people. It must be a very painful life.
And this is not about forgiveness, although that comes as a side effect when you start shifting your focus and taking responsibility for your own feelings. It's about taking full responsibility for how you feel, think, act, and never blaming anyone for anything you feel or think.
"No one can make you feel anything without your consent."
We get to choose how we respond to a situation. We get to choose whether we get angry or find compassion, we get to choose whether we walk away or attack. If you choose to get angry, that is not the other persons fault, that is your choice. If you choose to be loving, that is not the other persons doing, it is your choice!
"I am the perpetrator of my suffering - but only all of it." ~ Byron Katie
I love that quote because it explains all of this so simply. If I am upset it is because I have made the choice to be upset. If I am angry it is because I have made the choice to be angry. This is true all of the time!
We get to choose how we feel about things. We get to choose what we give our attention to. We get to choose if we love people or hate them. We get to choose whether we see that everyone is always doing the best they can and nothing is personal or that everyone is purposely doing it against us.
It's all our choice.
"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
Now I am going to take this topic to the extreme because I feel that it could really help it sink in for some people. Let's use an extreme subject.....
Let's say a man murders his wife. The family of this woman that was murdered and their kids have many choices of how to live the rest of their lives. They can choose to see how they could never understand why someone would make such decisions, that he must of been suffering and in major pain in order to do something like that, that the situation caused the family to become closer and that it made them more appreciative of the people they love in their lives or they can choose to hate the guy who did this and think about why this happened to them and how bad the world is.
Either one of these perspectives would be correct, however hating the man doesn't hurt him it only ruins their lives and their own future! So then this man didn't only take one life, it destroyed many. But not because he chose that but because these people/person willingly gave him that.
The point is when you feel something, ANYTHING it is your choice to see things that way. If you currently see things in a way that is not serving you then do the work to see them differently.
It's not easy and you have to constantly do it but its worth it and it goes for EVERYTHING in life.
At this moment in my life I can see how terrible things are for me, I'm not working, my body is not exactly healthy, I don't know what is going on with body, I don't even know if I can have anymore kids, we can't find a house, I'm not losing the weight I want, I'm tired all the time, I experience pain all the time, we don't have the money we need for everything coming up in our near future.... shall I go on. Or I can see how amazing things are, I have an amazing man who is taking very good care of me, I have a beautiful son who is extremely conscious and intelligent, I have family and friends who love and support me and I am able to get around and move around as I please. I have a car to drive, a roof over my head, food to eat, I'm getting married soon, buying a house soon..... I can go on.
Either one of those two different perspectives are correct. But the point is, that it is my choice! I choose how I feel and what I think. No one forces me to feel one way or another about it, I am responsible for how I feel and think!
The most important thing in my opinion is to start with the people you love. Let go of the choices and mistakes they have made, its not hurting anyone but yourselves.
Choose to love instead of hate. No matter what has happened, it's still your choice!
And the one that is constantly reminding me is, I have someone in my life who tends to blame everyone but themselves for life and continues to hold anger and resentment towards many people for things they have done in the past. Some of these things being more than a decade ago.
I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me feels frustrated and annoyed with their behavior. Another part of me feels very compassionate and sad for this person. Imagine living decades with anger, pain and resentment towards lots of different people. It must be a very painful life.
And this is not about forgiveness, although that comes as a side effect when you start shifting your focus and taking responsibility for your own feelings. It's about taking full responsibility for how you feel, think, act, and never blaming anyone for anything you feel or think.
"No one can make you feel anything without your consent."
We get to choose how we respond to a situation. We get to choose whether we get angry or find compassion, we get to choose whether we walk away or attack. If you choose to get angry, that is not the other persons fault, that is your choice. If you choose to be loving, that is not the other persons doing, it is your choice!
"I am the perpetrator of my suffering - but only all of it." ~ Byron Katie
I love that quote because it explains all of this so simply. If I am upset it is because I have made the choice to be upset. If I am angry it is because I have made the choice to be angry. This is true all of the time!
We get to choose how we feel about things. We get to choose what we give our attention to. We get to choose if we love people or hate them. We get to choose whether we see that everyone is always doing the best they can and nothing is personal or that everyone is purposely doing it against us.
It's all our choice.
"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
Now I am going to take this topic to the extreme because I feel that it could really help it sink in for some people. Let's use an extreme subject.....
Let's say a man murders his wife. The family of this woman that was murdered and their kids have many choices of how to live the rest of their lives. They can choose to see how they could never understand why someone would make such decisions, that he must of been suffering and in major pain in order to do something like that, that the situation caused the family to become closer and that it made them more appreciative of the people they love in their lives or they can choose to hate the guy who did this and think about why this happened to them and how bad the world is.
Either one of these perspectives would be correct, however hating the man doesn't hurt him it only ruins their lives and their own future! So then this man didn't only take one life, it destroyed many. But not because he chose that but because these people/person willingly gave him that.
The point is when you feel something, ANYTHING it is your choice to see things that way. If you currently see things in a way that is not serving you then do the work to see them differently.
It's not easy and you have to constantly do it but its worth it and it goes for EVERYTHING in life.
At this moment in my life I can see how terrible things are for me, I'm not working, my body is not exactly healthy, I don't know what is going on with body, I don't even know if I can have anymore kids, we can't find a house, I'm not losing the weight I want, I'm tired all the time, I experience pain all the time, we don't have the money we need for everything coming up in our near future.... shall I go on. Or I can see how amazing things are, I have an amazing man who is taking very good care of me, I have a beautiful son who is extremely conscious and intelligent, I have family and friends who love and support me and I am able to get around and move around as I please. I have a car to drive, a roof over my head, food to eat, I'm getting married soon, buying a house soon..... I can go on.
Either one of those two different perspectives are correct. But the point is, that it is my choice! I choose how I feel and what I think. No one forces me to feel one way or another about it, I am responsible for how I feel and think!
The most important thing in my opinion is to start with the people you love. Let go of the choices and mistakes they have made, its not hurting anyone but yourselves.
Choose to love instead of hate. No matter what has happened, it's still your choice!
Why do we eat?
Better yet, Why do I eat?
If you asked me this question weeks ago I would of said hunger is the reason I eat.
I don't know if now when I reach for food it is different reasons than it was before or if the very strict health diet and juice fast has just dramatically increased my awareness with food.
But I can tell you that the reason I eat is surely not because I am hungry.
I went 10 days without food and never really felt Hunger. I had cravings that is for sure, but I never felt real hunger. I definitely know the difference now between real hunger and cravings.
So then, why do I eat?
Well, because I want to!
But lets take that a little further........
A friend and I have been supporting each other in discovering and learning more about our eating and health habits with hopes to eventually get to the place where we make healthy choices all of the time.
My journey is slightly different than hers in the way that I am not trying to change any of my choices right now.
After my juice fast I have realized that I have the will power and ability to force myself to eat whatever I think I should be eating. Heck, I was able to not eat for 10 days. So then why is it that at the moment I eat all the "bad" stuff, at least one meal a day?
It certainly isn't a lack of will power or ability.
Let's see if you can follow this. I have a desire to be healthy, I just don't have the desire to eat healthy. And I want to have the desire to eat healthy but I am not willing to force myself to feel something or do something I don't want to do.
Therefore the change, the discovery, the shift must come from within me.
A natural motivation to choose to eat healthy is what I am after. Not forced, Not depriving myself, not restricting myself, but a natural inclination to choose healthy food.
I completely believe in myself and my ability to fix the symptoms. I can force myself not to eat the "junk". I have that ability and its not even as hard as I thought it would be. But I don't want to fix the symptoms I want to fix the cause, the reason WHY!
So why do I eat? What is the real reason I choose to eat even when I am not hungry?
I can tell you what I have come up with so far.
Boredom, Cravings, etc......
But let's take that even deeper to the level of awareness that I am at right now.
I eat because I feel overwhelmed and eating feels good, eating shuts everything else down for those few minutes, it slows everything down. I don't have to think, I don't have to think about what I should be doing, what I am going to do, what I need to do, about how out of control my life is right now, about how I don't have very many options of what to do, about how my body feels like crap, of how I feel useless, worthless, and out of control. For a few minutes when I eat that all goes away and I feel good! So it numbs me.
Now its not as depressing or as sad as it sounds.
Also eating makes me feel satisfied, at least for a few minutes. Something I don't know much about. My esteem survives only on achievement. When I am not achieving I feel like nothing, when I am achieving I feel wonderful! At the moment not only am I not achieving anything, I am not able to help myself or anyone else improve the situation, and I have no way of even trying to achieve anything at this moment... I feel lost, pointless and so unbelievably overwhelmed and stressed that the only way I know how to handle it is to eat.
Some people play golf, some people have a beer or two, some people smoke a joint, some play sports........ I eat!
Now I am not some crazy obese person. I surprisingly haven't even gained all the weight back that I lost since the surgery. I lost a total of 23 pounds, wow, if only I was able to keep that off. Ha ha, I gained most of it back but not all of it.
And when I talk about eating I am not eating like crazy, I am just extremely aware of my food choices now. I still have an extremely healthy green smoothie for breakfast. Drink green tea all day long with lots of vitamins and supplements. I am just very aware of the other choices I make and how they don't serve my well being.
But!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't need solutions.. I don't need another thing to try or another thing to try to convince me to force myself to do what is best for me. What I need is to continue down this path of discovery, uncovering what is causing the unhealthy choices and changing that.
I am no longer willing to try and fix the symptom. I have proved to myself I can do it and I have done it many times before. I'm tired of the back and forth. I hope to get to the root of it all. Will I gain some weight in the process, I'm sure I will. But I am no longer willing to punish myself for desiring "yummy" foods.
I love myself enough to give all the effort I would give in keeping myself on a strict diet to focusing on shifting the cause of my unhealthy eating habits.
So why do I eat?
Obviously I haven't gotten to the core of it yet otherwise things would be shifting and my habits changing, but I can tell you I am "pulling back the layers".
It is my intention to shift from a desire to be healthy but a desire for unhealthy food to a DESIRE to eat healthy food and feel good about it.
One should never do something that doesn't feel good, it will back fire.
I know most will not agree with me but in my opinion doing something that doesn't feel good or come naturally is not loving yourself either. We must find a way to LOVE loving ourselves. Until we are there, we have work to do on the inside not on our outer world.
The answers are within!
"Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~Buddha
"Dig within. Within is the wellspring of Good; and it is always ready to bubble up, if you just dig." ~Marcus Aurelius
You can’t break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You’ve got to walk it slowly down the stairs. ~Mark Twain
The greatest discovery of our generation, is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their state of mind. ~William James
If you asked me this question weeks ago I would of said hunger is the reason I eat.
I don't know if now when I reach for food it is different reasons than it was before or if the very strict health diet and juice fast has just dramatically increased my awareness with food.
But I can tell you that the reason I eat is surely not because I am hungry.
I went 10 days without food and never really felt Hunger. I had cravings that is for sure, but I never felt real hunger. I definitely know the difference now between real hunger and cravings.
So then, why do I eat?
Well, because I want to!
But lets take that a little further........
A friend and I have been supporting each other in discovering and learning more about our eating and health habits with hopes to eventually get to the place where we make healthy choices all of the time.
My journey is slightly different than hers in the way that I am not trying to change any of my choices right now.
After my juice fast I have realized that I have the will power and ability to force myself to eat whatever I think I should be eating. Heck, I was able to not eat for 10 days. So then why is it that at the moment I eat all the "bad" stuff, at least one meal a day?
It certainly isn't a lack of will power or ability.
Let's see if you can follow this. I have a desire to be healthy, I just don't have the desire to eat healthy. And I want to have the desire to eat healthy but I am not willing to force myself to feel something or do something I don't want to do.
Therefore the change, the discovery, the shift must come from within me.
A natural motivation to choose to eat healthy is what I am after. Not forced, Not depriving myself, not restricting myself, but a natural inclination to choose healthy food.
I completely believe in myself and my ability to fix the symptoms. I can force myself not to eat the "junk". I have that ability and its not even as hard as I thought it would be. But I don't want to fix the symptoms I want to fix the cause, the reason WHY!
So why do I eat? What is the real reason I choose to eat even when I am not hungry?
I can tell you what I have come up with so far.
Boredom, Cravings, etc......
But let's take that even deeper to the level of awareness that I am at right now.
I eat because I feel overwhelmed and eating feels good, eating shuts everything else down for those few minutes, it slows everything down. I don't have to think, I don't have to think about what I should be doing, what I am going to do, what I need to do, about how out of control my life is right now, about how I don't have very many options of what to do, about how my body feels like crap, of how I feel useless, worthless, and out of control. For a few minutes when I eat that all goes away and I feel good! So it numbs me.
Now its not as depressing or as sad as it sounds.
Also eating makes me feel satisfied, at least for a few minutes. Something I don't know much about. My esteem survives only on achievement. When I am not achieving I feel like nothing, when I am achieving I feel wonderful! At the moment not only am I not achieving anything, I am not able to help myself or anyone else improve the situation, and I have no way of even trying to achieve anything at this moment... I feel lost, pointless and so unbelievably overwhelmed and stressed that the only way I know how to handle it is to eat.
Some people play golf, some people have a beer or two, some people smoke a joint, some play sports........ I eat!
Now I am not some crazy obese person. I surprisingly haven't even gained all the weight back that I lost since the surgery. I lost a total of 23 pounds, wow, if only I was able to keep that off. Ha ha, I gained most of it back but not all of it.
And when I talk about eating I am not eating like crazy, I am just extremely aware of my food choices now. I still have an extremely healthy green smoothie for breakfast. Drink green tea all day long with lots of vitamins and supplements. I am just very aware of the other choices I make and how they don't serve my well being.
But!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't need solutions.. I don't need another thing to try or another thing to try to convince me to force myself to do what is best for me. What I need is to continue down this path of discovery, uncovering what is causing the unhealthy choices and changing that.
I am no longer willing to try and fix the symptom. I have proved to myself I can do it and I have done it many times before. I'm tired of the back and forth. I hope to get to the root of it all. Will I gain some weight in the process, I'm sure I will. But I am no longer willing to punish myself for desiring "yummy" foods.
I love myself enough to give all the effort I would give in keeping myself on a strict diet to focusing on shifting the cause of my unhealthy eating habits.
So why do I eat?
Obviously I haven't gotten to the core of it yet otherwise things would be shifting and my habits changing, but I can tell you I am "pulling back the layers".
It is my intention to shift from a desire to be healthy but a desire for unhealthy food to a DESIRE to eat healthy food and feel good about it.
One should never do something that doesn't feel good, it will back fire.
I know most will not agree with me but in my opinion doing something that doesn't feel good or come naturally is not loving yourself either. We must find a way to LOVE loving ourselves. Until we are there, we have work to do on the inside not on our outer world.
The answers are within!
"Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~Buddha
"Dig within. Within is the wellspring of Good; and it is always ready to bubble up, if you just dig." ~Marcus Aurelius
You can’t break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You’ve got to walk it slowly down the stairs. ~Mark Twain
The greatest discovery of our generation, is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their state of mind. ~William James
You can outdistance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you. ~Rwandan Proverb
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
