Weight, Food, Health, Discipline, Who I am.

Ever since I broke the juice fast I have been making worse choices than I have since my surgery.

I don't understand my choices. I don't understand why.  After completely changing my diet and then successfully completely a 10 day juice fast I KNOW I have the ability to make the choices and decisions that is best for my body.  But yet, I don't.... I give in to cravings, I almost have no desire to try at the moment.  Except for rare occasions when I remember why I changed my diet in the first place.

It is a totally different feeling than I had before the surgery.  Before I used to feel like I wanted to eat healthy but didn't believe I had the ability to discipline myself enough to do it.  Well now I know I do. Now I know its something else.  There is something else going on.  It feels now like more of a conscious choice not to do what is best and choose to eat the yummy option. It no longer feels like a compelling choice that I can't help.

The person I want to be enjoys eating healthy and making healthy decisions. The person I want to be has a tight healthy body.  Not really for looks, although that would be a great side benefit but more because I want to feel the way it felt to have a tight healthy body.  The energy, the health, the "lightness" I felt was my ideal physical feeling.  I want to be able to run a 5k.  I want to be able to eat less and feel good.

So why did I all of sudden decide to give up on making healthy choices?
Why did I just all of a sudden stop caring?

There is something to this and I am doing my best to work through it. It's not just about people telling me "I know you can do it" or "Just do it" or "You did it before". That is not going to help or trying to convince me why I should (I already know why), there is something else going on inside me.  It's about not having enough motivation to do it.  I know I can do it, I believe I have the ability yet for most of the day I just don't care to anymore.

Sometimes I make good decisions. At night when I crave sweets, most of the time I choose not to when before the surgery I would have given to whatever I wanted.  My breakfast is still just a very healthy and green smoothie. I make sure I take all my vitamins every day.

I haven't put back on all the weight I lost from the fast but I am on my way to.  I feel very disappointed in myself but yet its still not enough to motivate me to make better choices.  I guess my life was worth saving but my quality of life apparently isn't.  Not sure what all that is about but I'm currently in the middle of these issues.

Now with another surgery coming up.... I just feel defeated. I feel like my health is too big of a problem to fix myself with nutrition and exercise. I feel I am beyond that. No matter what I did or how well I eat, even did a juice fast, my body didn't get better.

I want to take care of my body but I want my body to take care of me.  I need the help of my mind to be completely motivated to take care of my body.  I know all of this might sound weird to most people but I know people who are familiar with personal growth or the way the mind works will understand.  Or at least I hope they will.

I feel so vulnerable and out of control.  Like I have no control over what is happening and I feel like I have just given up.  Just going to allow what happens to happen.

Why can't I just be the person I want to be, a person who loves her body and takes care of it with love.  Someone who is naturally motivated to make healthy choices and exercise.  I am tired of everyone telling me how to do it but then not even able to do it themselves.  It's about needing for something inside of me to shift, I just don't know how to get there.

I am just tired of giving into a weak mind.  I know there is a part of me that is perfectly capable of all of this and yet I am not utilizing it.

Don't think I am some superficial physical person either.  I know some people who revolve their lives around  exercise and nutrition and think a good work out is impressive as a evening spent.  I don't, that is not the life I want.  I like depth, I am a very deep person but my desire is to have a healthy balance.  A balance of enjoying life and still being able to make healthy choices.   I have always been an all or nothing person. Its kind of impossible to find balance with that.  Everything I do is always been to some extreme.

I feel heavy... not with my weight but with how I feel.  I just feel heavy, stressed, overwhelmed, no motivation, and really in a haze that I am waiting for to clear.

I guess the bottom line is, I want to be in joy. That is what I find important.  I want to feel good.  And I don't feel good with a body that is painful, unhealthy and heavy.  I feel good about my relationship.  I want to feel good about my body and health. I want to feel good about my career and finances. It's just a struggle, I find joy from freedom and food, but I feel deprived and a lack of joy from forcing myself to only eat healthy stuff that I don't enjoy eating.  I want to find the healthy balance between the two.

I realize how this post is so far away from the positive perspective that I would like to have but I feel its important to share honestly. Just hoping I start shifting and clearing some stuff inside me.

Feeling a bit drained, time for bed.