Through out the last few days I have written down several topics in which I would like to blog about. Stuff I know I need to take the time to focus on and allow myself to write what comes up. Writing is very healing and therapeutic for me. But, for right now I don't feel like focusing on that stuff at the moment. Although I will state them now so that I feel more accountable to giving them some time then I will get to the real topic of today's blog post.
Future Topics
1. The idea of being considerate of others NOT being priority, that the number one priority is being authentic and true to myself. This comes from years of Abraham Hicks and Byron Katie's work. "How you react or feel because of me, is none of my business" - Byron Katie
2. The concept of control, regaining control, control over my mind, my life, my body. etc...
3. Taking the concept of control even further. Hopefully I can articulate this clearly. Usually I give in to what I want as way of "feeling" like I have control and I don't have to follow anyone's "should" list. (example I should eat a certain way) however I had this moment of clarity the other day that giving into a craving, a laziness, a dislike, etc.. is giving away my control over my body and mind. When I give in to "habits" it is my subconscious (trained behavior) that I am giving control too, it really isn't the conscious me. Therefore, giving into something (going against other people's shoulds) is still actually giving up control. I guess I am sort of admitting here that I have less control over my thoughts and actions than I would like or previously thought I had.
4. And finally I would like to be able to come to a clear conclusion of how joy and control mix together. I don't enjoy going to the gym but it takes self control to do it. It seems that most decisions that we would make in order to have control go against joy. This is important to me to clarify because my number 1 priority over anything is Joy. Abraham Hicks has taught me a lot in regards creating the life I want and what is important to me. When I allow myself to be anything but joy I am not serving anyone, not myself, not my loved ones, not my friends, not anyone around me. Joy not control is my priority, however I do want to have control over my mind which will allow me to control my thoughts to only focus on joy. Okay, if you can follow all of that I would be surprised. But I need to find some clarity in this area because they seem to conflict for me and I would like to align them some how. And for those of you who will say something like well just change your perception or you will learn to enjoy it, if it was that easy and didn't take a lack of joy and control in the first place I would have already done it. So it's not some simple "change" the way I am solution, its something in my beliefs and thoughts that needs to shift and align with each other.
Those are future posts, if not only for my own personal attempt to gain clarity and shift some limiting beliefs.
Enough of that!
On to the good stuff for the moment.
My desires! I had a few friends mention to me making what I desire very clear to Source. I even had someone tell me about something called "placing your order with the universe" not sure I am that confident in my asking yet but I thought I would take a few moments to put my desires out there.
1. A home for us (Albert, Joel, Myself, and hopefully babies in the future) that has at least three bedrooms, two bathrooms, two car garage, enough space to park all of our cars (Albert has quite a few), the house being at the very least 1400 square feet, central air, convenient washer and dryer hookup area, a big comfortable kitchen..... all within the charter oak school district at a price we can afford right now and within a timely manner (like as soon as possible). A home we enjoy and love and is perfect for all of us.
2. A tight healthy body.
3. Two babies in the near future.
4. An enjoyable abundant career.
5. For Albert and I to continue to grow closer and stronger as a couple for what we have to evolve and go deeper and deeper. (I have the relationship I want with him already, now I just desire it to continue to be this way and for us to grow together in this very fulfilling and loving manner we have now.)
6. For all of us (Joel, Albert, and myself) to continue to get closer and closer. For us to be a close, respectful and strong family. To trust each and support each other.
7. For my son to love himself and his life. For him to be successful (whatever that means to him) and for him to know and feel he is capable of anything he desires. For us to continue to be very close and loving for the rest of our lives. For him to feel very loved, cherished and special and that he knows I will always be there for him no matter what. I just want him to be happy!
Wow, that is a lot to ask for but someone told me I don't have to choose. I don't expect to have everything but it doesn't hurt to get clear about what I desire in life.
I plan on looking back on this post to keep my focus on my desires and what I want instead of worrying about what I don't want.
Hopefully tomorrow I will be motivated to give some of those others topics some attention.
Good Night!
Showing posts with label changing my life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label changing my life. Show all posts
Weight, Food, Health, Discipline, Who I am.
Ever since I broke the juice fast I have been making worse choices than I have since my surgery.
I don't understand my choices. I don't understand why. After completely changing my diet and then successfully completely a 10 day juice fast I KNOW I have the ability to make the choices and decisions that is best for my body. But yet, I don't.... I give in to cravings, I almost have no desire to try at the moment. Except for rare occasions when I remember why I changed my diet in the first place.
It is a totally different feeling than I had before the surgery. Before I used to feel like I wanted to eat healthy but didn't believe I had the ability to discipline myself enough to do it. Well now I know I do. Now I know its something else. There is something else going on. It feels now like more of a conscious choice not to do what is best and choose to eat the yummy option. It no longer feels like a compelling choice that I can't help.
The person I want to be enjoys eating healthy and making healthy decisions. The person I want to be has a tight healthy body. Not really for looks, although that would be a great side benefit but more because I want to feel the way it felt to have a tight healthy body. The energy, the health, the "lightness" I felt was my ideal physical feeling. I want to be able to run a 5k. I want to be able to eat less and feel good.
So why did I all of sudden decide to give up on making healthy choices?
Why did I just all of a sudden stop caring?
There is something to this and I am doing my best to work through it. It's not just about people telling me "I know you can do it" or "Just do it" or "You did it before". That is not going to help or trying to convince me why I should (I already know why), there is something else going on inside me. It's about not having enough motivation to do it. I know I can do it, I believe I have the ability yet for most of the day I just don't care to anymore.
Sometimes I make good decisions. At night when I crave sweets, most of the time I choose not to when before the surgery I would have given to whatever I wanted. My breakfast is still just a very healthy and green smoothie. I make sure I take all my vitamins every day.
I haven't put back on all the weight I lost from the fast but I am on my way to. I feel very disappointed in myself but yet its still not enough to motivate me to make better choices. I guess my life was worth saving but my quality of life apparently isn't. Not sure what all that is about but I'm currently in the middle of these issues.
Now with another surgery coming up.... I just feel defeated. I feel like my health is too big of a problem to fix myself with nutrition and exercise. I feel I am beyond that. No matter what I did or how well I eat, even did a juice fast, my body didn't get better.
I want to take care of my body but I want my body to take care of me. I need the help of my mind to be completely motivated to take care of my body. I know all of this might sound weird to most people but I know people who are familiar with personal growth or the way the mind works will understand. Or at least I hope they will.
I feel so vulnerable and out of control. Like I have no control over what is happening and I feel like I have just given up. Just going to allow what happens to happen.
Why can't I just be the person I want to be, a person who loves her body and takes care of it with love. Someone who is naturally motivated to make healthy choices and exercise. I am tired of everyone telling me how to do it but then not even able to do it themselves. It's about needing for something inside of me to shift, I just don't know how to get there.
I am just tired of giving into a weak mind. I know there is a part of me that is perfectly capable of all of this and yet I am not utilizing it.
Don't think I am some superficial physical person either. I know some people who revolve their lives around exercise and nutrition and think a good work out is impressive as a evening spent. I don't, that is not the life I want. I like depth, I am a very deep person but my desire is to have a healthy balance. A balance of enjoying life and still being able to make healthy choices. I have always been an all or nothing person. Its kind of impossible to find balance with that. Everything I do is always been to some extreme.
I feel heavy... not with my weight but with how I feel. I just feel heavy, stressed, overwhelmed, no motivation, and really in a haze that I am waiting for to clear.
I guess the bottom line is, I want to be in joy. That is what I find important. I want to feel good. And I don't feel good with a body that is painful, unhealthy and heavy. I feel good about my relationship. I want to feel good about my body and health. I want to feel good about my career and finances. It's just a struggle, I find joy from freedom and food, but I feel deprived and a lack of joy from forcing myself to only eat healthy stuff that I don't enjoy eating. I want to find the healthy balance between the two.
I realize how this post is so far away from the positive perspective that I would like to have but I feel its important to share honestly. Just hoping I start shifting and clearing some stuff inside me.
Feeling a bit drained, time for bed.
I don't understand my choices. I don't understand why. After completely changing my diet and then successfully completely a 10 day juice fast I KNOW I have the ability to make the choices and decisions that is best for my body. But yet, I don't.... I give in to cravings, I almost have no desire to try at the moment. Except for rare occasions when I remember why I changed my diet in the first place.
It is a totally different feeling than I had before the surgery. Before I used to feel like I wanted to eat healthy but didn't believe I had the ability to discipline myself enough to do it. Well now I know I do. Now I know its something else. There is something else going on. It feels now like more of a conscious choice not to do what is best and choose to eat the yummy option. It no longer feels like a compelling choice that I can't help.
The person I want to be enjoys eating healthy and making healthy decisions. The person I want to be has a tight healthy body. Not really for looks, although that would be a great side benefit but more because I want to feel the way it felt to have a tight healthy body. The energy, the health, the "lightness" I felt was my ideal physical feeling. I want to be able to run a 5k. I want to be able to eat less and feel good.
So why did I all of sudden decide to give up on making healthy choices?
Why did I just all of a sudden stop caring?
There is something to this and I am doing my best to work through it. It's not just about people telling me "I know you can do it" or "Just do it" or "You did it before". That is not going to help or trying to convince me why I should (I already know why), there is something else going on inside me. It's about not having enough motivation to do it. I know I can do it, I believe I have the ability yet for most of the day I just don't care to anymore.
Sometimes I make good decisions. At night when I crave sweets, most of the time I choose not to when before the surgery I would have given to whatever I wanted. My breakfast is still just a very healthy and green smoothie. I make sure I take all my vitamins every day.
I haven't put back on all the weight I lost from the fast but I am on my way to. I feel very disappointed in myself but yet its still not enough to motivate me to make better choices. I guess my life was worth saving but my quality of life apparently isn't. Not sure what all that is about but I'm currently in the middle of these issues.
Now with another surgery coming up.... I just feel defeated. I feel like my health is too big of a problem to fix myself with nutrition and exercise. I feel I am beyond that. No matter what I did or how well I eat, even did a juice fast, my body didn't get better.
I want to take care of my body but I want my body to take care of me. I need the help of my mind to be completely motivated to take care of my body. I know all of this might sound weird to most people but I know people who are familiar with personal growth or the way the mind works will understand. Or at least I hope they will.
I feel so vulnerable and out of control. Like I have no control over what is happening and I feel like I have just given up. Just going to allow what happens to happen.
Why can't I just be the person I want to be, a person who loves her body and takes care of it with love. Someone who is naturally motivated to make healthy choices and exercise. I am tired of everyone telling me how to do it but then not even able to do it themselves. It's about needing for something inside of me to shift, I just don't know how to get there.
I am just tired of giving into a weak mind. I know there is a part of me that is perfectly capable of all of this and yet I am not utilizing it.
Don't think I am some superficial physical person either. I know some people who revolve their lives around exercise and nutrition and think a good work out is impressive as a evening spent. I don't, that is not the life I want. I like depth, I am a very deep person but my desire is to have a healthy balance. A balance of enjoying life and still being able to make healthy choices. I have always been an all or nothing person. Its kind of impossible to find balance with that. Everything I do is always been to some extreme.
I feel heavy... not with my weight but with how I feel. I just feel heavy, stressed, overwhelmed, no motivation, and really in a haze that I am waiting for to clear.
I guess the bottom line is, I want to be in joy. That is what I find important. I want to feel good. And I don't feel good with a body that is painful, unhealthy and heavy. I feel good about my relationship. I want to feel good about my body and health. I want to feel good about my career and finances. It's just a struggle, I find joy from freedom and food, but I feel deprived and a lack of joy from forcing myself to only eat healthy stuff that I don't enjoy eating. I want to find the healthy balance between the two.
I realize how this post is so far away from the positive perspective that I would like to have but I feel its important to share honestly. Just hoping I start shifting and clearing some stuff inside me.
Feeling a bit drained, time for bed.
Another Surgery
I won't go into the details of everything but what I have been dreading all along is now happening. I have to have another surgery. As of right now its believed to be completely unrelated to my last surgery and I hope it stays that way.
I am having a large mass from my cervix removed as well as a couple small polyps from my uterus. It's supposed to be an outpatient surgery with only a few day recovery time but I am a little hesitant to believe that since the last surgery was supposed to be the same and I ended up staying in the hospital for several days with a very LONG recovery.
If everything goes as planned the surgery should not effect my fertility or actually should eventually improve it. We'll have to see and now I don't believe anything until it happens.
I do know from what I have been reading that the tumor I had removed from my hip (desmoid tumor) is some how related to having polyps so I'm not sure how its related or if that is the case for me but it was something I came across when I did my research on desmoid tumors.
I was by myself when I found out and pretty upset. I normally don't call Albert at work unless I have to but after this news I really needed to talk to him and I was glad I called him. I was in a fog once again, kind of shocked. Another Surgery........
But my friend Vicki came over to help cheer me up and I read some comments on facebook that really helped me shift the way I was looking at this next surgery. I will do my best to look at this as a step closer to getting better rather than something that is a step backwards.
Vicki stayed with me until Albert came home. Vicki and I picked up my sister and we all went to Krispy Kreme's it was really good and took my mind off of everything. I feel very grateful for the people in my life.
I truly hope that this surgery is the last thing I need to do to get my body on the road to being completely healthy again.
The surgery will probably be this coming friday, the sooner the better, I want to get it over with.
I want to Thank everyone who has supported me through all of this. It has been a crazy journey and I appreciate the love and care I have from everyone in my life.
Lots of Love,
Tiffany
I am having a large mass from my cervix removed as well as a couple small polyps from my uterus. It's supposed to be an outpatient surgery with only a few day recovery time but I am a little hesitant to believe that since the last surgery was supposed to be the same and I ended up staying in the hospital for several days with a very LONG recovery.
If everything goes as planned the surgery should not effect my fertility or actually should eventually improve it. We'll have to see and now I don't believe anything until it happens.
I do know from what I have been reading that the tumor I had removed from my hip (desmoid tumor) is some how related to having polyps so I'm not sure how its related or if that is the case for me but it was something I came across when I did my research on desmoid tumors.
I was by myself when I found out and pretty upset. I normally don't call Albert at work unless I have to but after this news I really needed to talk to him and I was glad I called him. I was in a fog once again, kind of shocked. Another Surgery........
But my friend Vicki came over to help cheer me up and I read some comments on facebook that really helped me shift the way I was looking at this next surgery. I will do my best to look at this as a step closer to getting better rather than something that is a step backwards.
Vicki stayed with me until Albert came home. Vicki and I picked up my sister and we all went to Krispy Kreme's it was really good and took my mind off of everything. I feel very grateful for the people in my life.
I truly hope that this surgery is the last thing I need to do to get my body on the road to being completely healthy again.
The surgery will probably be this coming friday, the sooner the better, I want to get it over with.
I want to Thank everyone who has supported me through all of this. It has been a crazy journey and I appreciate the love and care I have from everyone in my life.
Lots of Love,
Tiffany
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
