My Gratitude

I can't help but notice how many amazing people I have in my life and how much I appreciate the people around me.

My husband is absolutely my other half.  We love each other so much but most importantly we respect and honor each other. In every situation, in every area of our lives he goes far beyond what I could have ever even wanted from another.  He is what makes my life amazing and he reminds me of his love every day. He makes me feel special, loved, important, and his #1 priority.  I am his engine and he is mine.

My son is just awesome.  He is so loving and caring yet extremely intelligent and confident. My son is such a conscious and funny child, I feel honored to be his mother.

My family is so supportive and loving.  They are amazing in different ways. I won't bore everyone by going over each and every one of them but it doesn't minimize how hugely important they are to me.  I hope to continue to see my relationships with them evolve, improve and deepen.

My friends are just beyond amazing.  Every time I think my friends couldn't get any better they prove me wrong.  I have the most amazing friends anyone could ask for.  I hope to continue to grow with each and every one of them and to be able to enrich their lives the way they do mine.

I love our home.  When I think back at how we were able to get our house it still reminds me of how supportive the universe/source is.  Our house will always be proof to me that everything happens for a reason. From the first time I stepped into this house, I loved it.  I fell in love with it, immediately.  Having our own home that I love, has brought out such nurturing and care taking qualities within myself. In my eyes our house is perfect, it is our.....HOME.

I am so blessed to be able to stay home and just focus on taking care of my husband and son.  And it really allows me to focus on what I really want to do with my life, in creating a career that I will truly enjoy.

The areas of my life where I would like to focus on transforming is my body and career.

My body has been through a lot this last year or so. Two surgeries, some medications, a lot of stress, and extreme life style changes.  I would like to see myself not only recover from all of that but also get to a place where my body feels really good......amazingly good!  I want to get to this place with joy and ease.  Enjoying life, Enjoying my body.

As I said before right now I have the freedom to really explore what I really want to be doing career wise. This does not mean what I can do, or what I should be doing.  To me it is about what I will ENJOY doing. What will bring me the most fulfillment.  I am blessed to be in a situation where my husband makes enough money to take care of us and I can take all the time I need to really create the ideal career for myself.  I want to create my career through joy, ease, and fun.

I think what is becoming important to me is to be able to enjoy every aspect of my life.  I have two areas where that can use some work.  But the overall theme here is JOY.

I am becoming aware of the idea that any area in my life that has to do with other people is already in a place of joy and ease.  But it's time I take the next step and heal the areas in my life that has to do with me and me only.  No one can create the ideal career for me and no one can make my body be healthy and energetic.  I'm sure Albert would fix those things for me if he could and it probably pains him that he can't but these are two things I have to do for myself.

Interesting.....   I truly love and enjoy all the people around me, its time I start loving and enjoying myself fully too!  I know Albert and Joel would really appreciate a more energetic and fun wife and mother.

Enjoy!

Weight, Food, Health, Discipline, Who I am.

Ever since I broke the juice fast I have been making worse choices than I have since my surgery.

I don't understand my choices. I don't understand why.  After completely changing my diet and then successfully completely a 10 day juice fast I KNOW I have the ability to make the choices and decisions that is best for my body.  But yet, I don't.... I give in to cravings, I almost have no desire to try at the moment.  Except for rare occasions when I remember why I changed my diet in the first place.

It is a totally different feeling than I had before the surgery.  Before I used to feel like I wanted to eat healthy but didn't believe I had the ability to discipline myself enough to do it.  Well now I know I do. Now I know its something else.  There is something else going on.  It feels now like more of a conscious choice not to do what is best and choose to eat the yummy option. It no longer feels like a compelling choice that I can't help.

The person I want to be enjoys eating healthy and making healthy decisions. The person I want to be has a tight healthy body.  Not really for looks, although that would be a great side benefit but more because I want to feel the way it felt to have a tight healthy body.  The energy, the health, the "lightness" I felt was my ideal physical feeling.  I want to be able to run a 5k.  I want to be able to eat less and feel good.

So why did I all of sudden decide to give up on making healthy choices?
Why did I just all of a sudden stop caring?

There is something to this and I am doing my best to work through it. It's not just about people telling me "I know you can do it" or "Just do it" or "You did it before". That is not going to help or trying to convince me why I should (I already know why), there is something else going on inside me.  It's about not having enough motivation to do it.  I know I can do it, I believe I have the ability yet for most of the day I just don't care to anymore.

Sometimes I make good decisions. At night when I crave sweets, most of the time I choose not to when before the surgery I would have given to whatever I wanted.  My breakfast is still just a very healthy and green smoothie. I make sure I take all my vitamins every day.

I haven't put back on all the weight I lost from the fast but I am on my way to.  I feel very disappointed in myself but yet its still not enough to motivate me to make better choices.  I guess my life was worth saving but my quality of life apparently isn't.  Not sure what all that is about but I'm currently in the middle of these issues.

Now with another surgery coming up.... I just feel defeated. I feel like my health is too big of a problem to fix myself with nutrition and exercise. I feel I am beyond that. No matter what I did or how well I eat, even did a juice fast, my body didn't get better.

I want to take care of my body but I want my body to take care of me.  I need the help of my mind to be completely motivated to take care of my body.  I know all of this might sound weird to most people but I know people who are familiar with personal growth or the way the mind works will understand.  Or at least I hope they will.

I feel so vulnerable and out of control.  Like I have no control over what is happening and I feel like I have just given up.  Just going to allow what happens to happen.

Why can't I just be the person I want to be, a person who loves her body and takes care of it with love.  Someone who is naturally motivated to make healthy choices and exercise.  I am tired of everyone telling me how to do it but then not even able to do it themselves.  It's about needing for something inside of me to shift, I just don't know how to get there.

I am just tired of giving into a weak mind.  I know there is a part of me that is perfectly capable of all of this and yet I am not utilizing it.

Don't think I am some superficial physical person either.  I know some people who revolve their lives around  exercise and nutrition and think a good work out is impressive as a evening spent.  I don't, that is not the life I want.  I like depth, I am a very deep person but my desire is to have a healthy balance.  A balance of enjoying life and still being able to make healthy choices.   I have always been an all or nothing person. Its kind of impossible to find balance with that.  Everything I do is always been to some extreme.

I feel heavy... not with my weight but with how I feel.  I just feel heavy, stressed, overwhelmed, no motivation, and really in a haze that I am waiting for to clear.

I guess the bottom line is, I want to be in joy. That is what I find important.  I want to feel good.  And I don't feel good with a body that is painful, unhealthy and heavy.  I feel good about my relationship.  I want to feel good about my body and health. I want to feel good about my career and finances. It's just a struggle, I find joy from freedom and food, but I feel deprived and a lack of joy from forcing myself to only eat healthy stuff that I don't enjoy eating.  I want to find the healthy balance between the two.

I realize how this post is so far away from the positive perspective that I would like to have but I feel its important to share honestly. Just hoping I start shifting and clearing some stuff inside me.

Feeling a bit drained, time for bed.

New House, Our love, My Health, LIFE!!!!!

Well I guess you can call this just a full life update.

I have been struggling to eat healthier ever since I ended the juice fast.  The odd thing about all this is I still don't feel bad about it.  I want to eat healthier but choose taste over health at the moment but I don't beat myself up over it which I would have done in the past.  I think the difference is I know I can eat healthy if I really wanted to, I did it before and after doing a 10 day juice fast I know I could definitely make better choices if it was more important to me.  I hope I can feel like healthy choices is a bigger priority soon.

Valentine's day was wonderful.  Albert really went out of his way to make the day special for me.  Flowers, stuffed animals, dinner, our date car, wine, etc.. It was romantic and perfect.  But you want to know the best part of the day?  The fact that this wasn't a rare occurrence that only happens on Valentine's day.  Albert does stuff like this all the time time for me and since he does do it often it didn't feel like he was only doing it because it was Valentine's day and I was able to enjoy it so much more!

I know Albert and I have had our challenges, heck I have gone to hell and back with him.  And a lot of people were skeptical about us being together and moving forward.  It was a scary decision a couple years ago but I have to tell you that  I AM SO GLAD I FOLLOWED MY HEART.  This entire situation just proves to me how following our heart is our truth and the best thing for us.  When I decided to recommit to Albert again after everything we had been through, I couldn't even imagine in being this good and I still did it!  Everyday Albert makes me feel so glad that I made the decision I did.  He takes care of me in every way possible, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and at the moment even financially.  Words still do not describe how lucky I feel.  He makes me want to be a better woman everyday and take care of him the way he takes care of me.  He makes me feel special, appreciated and cherished.   We have gone through a lot this past year and half and he has shocked me (positively) with every challenge we have faced.  I honestly don't know how I would have got through all this health stuff without him.  Albert truly accepts and loves me for who I am and loves and wants me no matter what!  I never knew love like this existed, I feel so very very lucky and love the man he is.  I would be one proud mama if my son turns out to be a man like him.  I can go on forever about this topic because I just feel so grateful and words don't seem to express it completely but I'll stop here. I just needed to express how amazing Albert it is. He deserves to be seen for the man he is.

For this reason I am able to believe in source having great things in store for me.  As Albert and I had many problems before I could of never imagined having the relationship we have now, actually I couldn't have imagined having that with anyone.  But all I knew is I wanted a good, healthy, loving, GREAT relationship with him.  I made decisions accordingly, even when it seemed like I might be making a mistake and in the end I was given something greater than I could have ever asked for.  If Source can do this with my relationship, it can certainly do this with my health, and my career.  Which are the two things I am struggling a lot with at the moment.  I need to find a way to remind myself to stay true to my intentions and trust in the universe.  I do have to admit that if I could only have one thing, my relationship, my career, or my health, I would pick my relationship without a doubt in my mind.  But I hope that I don't have to choose and that I have good things in store for me in my future, in our future!

I have some weird stuff going on inside me with my cervix and uterus.  On good days I feel hopeful and on days when I have a lot of symptoms or feel helpless I feel doubtful.  I want to be healthy and feel good again, normal again.  Most of all I want to be able to have a baby with Albert. I know he wants children and when the subject comes up he is very loving, he says "If we have a baby, then I was meant to have children, if we aren't able to have kids, then I was not meant to have any babies, We have Joel."  Words can not describe how this makes me feel.  He is amazing and its wonderful to know he is this way, but I still want to give him babies. I want to experience that with him, watching him care for our baby would melt me every day.  I hope we get to experience this, I hope my body allows this to happen.  I worry a lot and am scared.  I don't know what is happening in me, the doctors don't even know.  Lots more testing to do and hopefully we will get some answers soon.

Now about our house.... Oh this house!!!!!!!!  This house has probably caused the two of us to have more stress than I know what to do with!  It has been a roller coaster.  One day its good news, the next bad...   We had originally thought of moving to Fontana.  In Fontana we would have been able to buy a home three times as big as the ones in Covina and much much newer than the homes in Covina.  But it was very important to Albert for Joel to be near his school and his friends.  So with that choice comes a lot of sacrifices.  The house is much smaller than I imagined us getting, it has its share of issues and is 50 years old.  But its best neighborhood in Covina, its within walking distance of Joel's soon to be High School and the area has almost NO crime.  It is an excellent area in a blue ribbon school distract and for that we had to make other sacrifices.  But more importantly its not only a house, it will be our home.  We make the home not the house.  I am excited to move, escrow closes this coming Thursday, that is if everything is fixed and ready by then and it doesn't end up cancelling.   We won't know until then.  If we lose this house for any reason we start all over and hope we find another house in the same exact area.  I have almost had panic attacks over stuff with this home and I am not one that has panic attacks,  It's even more difficult with me not working because we have less money to get the house to the state we want it to be in.

I hope to get all this health stuff sorted out and get back to work as soon as possible. To be honest I hope to find a job that will be a step forward in my career and go back to my bar job and work both for awhile as getting another job will be a pay cut at first.  Either way when it comes time for me to go back to work, it will be great to have two incomes again.  The sooner this health stuff gets sorted out, the better.

After Juice Fast Update!

Well I must say that the juice fast definitely did not do what it to do for me mentally.

Physically it was everything I wanted and more. My body felt amazing, slim, healthy, and physically the fast was  a piece of cake!

Mentally on the other hand it kind of back fired a little for me. At about day 3 the cravings started and the intensity of them increased every day.  So when I broke the fast, it felt impossible to stay away from all the foods I had been craving for over a week!

I have heard people say that after a juice fast you become very conscious of what you put into your body.  I thought this would be the case and more importantly I was hoping it would be the case. But it wasn't!  Before the juice fast I was already eating very healthily and I had eliminated almost all toxin foods from diet.

I hate to it admit it but now I have been eating all that bad stuff.  I still make sure I have my smoothie for breakfast and I take vitamins with every meal but my food choices are not good at the moment, I was hoping they got better not worse.

Hopefully once I satisfy my cravings I will get back to eating healthier more than not.  I really do want to eat healthy and feel good physically.

We'll see!

Day 2 after the juice fast.

Throughout the morning my stomach felt fine until mid afternoon.  A little bit if stomach cramps and urgency to use the restroom. Or maybe, I am just more sensitive to my digestive system since I didn't have to experience it for 10 days.

I eat as healthy as possible most of the day and allow myself to have whatever I want for one meal.  I like that balance it feels right to me. I plan to go back to the gym today to start walking on the treadmill and see how my body takes that.

I stopped taking all medication, vitamins, and supplements while on the fast so I am having to get back into the routine of taking everything again.  Yesterday, I remembered to take a little more than the day before.  Hopefully within a few days I will have the routine down again.

I also do my best to get at least one cup of green tea in a day.  I was still drinking decaf green tea while I was fasting but now that I am not fasting I feel like I need to be drinking more of it.

I was also considering doing another juice fast in 3 months or so.  Since I was only willing to go the 10 days I think another fast would be do within a few months.  From what I understand each fast is very different.  All I know is that from what I experienced physically juice fasting is very good for my body.  I could feel it, its a dramatic difference and I want my body to continue to detox on a regular basis.

I do worry that I am not going to be able to keep the balance with my food. I tend to be an all or nothing type of person. I either eat extremely healthy without going off of it at all or I eat all very unhealthy meals.  I would be very surprised if I am able to keep the balance I feel is right for me.  It is my intention that the majority of my meals and choices be healthy with a few yummy choices a day.   That is balance a good balance I believe but we'll see how that works out for me.

I don't think I'll have much to write about the fast until I weigh myself again on Monday.

Enjoy!

Unimagined, Enjoy life!

All I can say is I am very impressed, we never know what life is going to hand us. 

Dreams come true everyday.  Honestly its more important to be ready for them. 

We think we want certain things and when they come our way, most of us would have no idea how to receive it or accept it.  Myself included. Bigger things than I could of desired are falling into my lap and I have no idea how to deal with that. <- Imagine that!

I have no idea what the future has in store for me, NONE.  I am scared, excited, anxious and most of all impressed.  

I can say, "EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON."  

One day little by little it just all starts making sense.  Just know that everything you are doing today and I mean everything, has a purpose for the future.  Its all tied together.  

We never know what those things are.  We just never know. 

Stop Worrying, Start living. 

Quick Reality Check:

People you love are going to die, you will lose things you love and are attached to. Kids will grow up and have their own lives.  Friends will move away.  Jobs will be lost. People will fall in love.  Babies (miracles) will be born.  Businesses will be created. Things will come along in your life that you never knew possible.  Opportunities will come out of the sky.  Life will never be what you plan it to be, so stop planning! 

And start enjoying!

Right now my life is SOOOOO unpredictable.  Everything is coming together, yet it all was ripped apart.  How can that be, but trust me, it is!!!!!!!!!!!! It could of never happened the way I imagined the way I desired, nor would I have wanted it to.  I wouldn't trade this in and I couldn't of imagined my life as it is now, EVER. 

"The course of life is unpredictable. No one can write their autobiography in advance." 

- Abraham J Heschel