The purpose of all of this!

Anyone who has been reading my blog or knows me personally knows that I have been struggling and held back with a lot of things lately.

I'm not going to complain about my difficulties but I wanted to share what I believe may be the reason for all of this.

There is a reoccurring them about everything that has happened over the last few months, which things appear like they are getting better or going to work out and then they don't, more stuff keeps happening and the experience gets prolonged and I can't move forward.

I believe as always that there is a reason for this.

I think this is all happening and will continue to happen until I focus on myself and find Joy within.


I believe that health stuff will continue to arise and get postponed so that I can't go back to work and we won't find and buy a house that is perfect for us so that I can't focus on moving and I won't have the desire to eat healthy and exercise so that I can't focus on that either......

What I feel may be happening here is nothing is going to work out right now because what I need is to learn to focus within, heal and enjoy every moment instead of be caught up in the distractions of my life, or maybe its to make me learn how to focus on the good things I have in my life now without seeking more, or maybe its to learn how to trust source to take care of me.

But I know there is a reason because one thing after another continues to happen.  A surgery that was supposed to take me away from work for 3 weeks is not going into 3 months.  We find a house, owners cancel 2 days before escrow closes, we find another house and they say they agree to the terms but won't sign the offer because they want to prolong the process (leaving it open for as many other offers to come in and offer more) so now our offer has expired, so we aren't getting that house either (And I really really really loved that house).

I just feel that life is not allowing me to have anything else to put my attention on and I am bored out of my mind.  Some may feel that is a good thing and wish they had it but it doesn't feel good at all. But because my confidence and happiness relies on me being productive and active, all of this makes me feel lost, useless, and overwhelmed.  I don't know what to do with my time and I have a craving to do something significant and purposeful yet I am not able to or haven't discovered how to yet.

My anxiety is through the roof when comes to the house stuff and my health stuff.  I feel so anxious to move on and move forward yet I continue to be held back.

I know that I need to learn how to focus better on the good, the amazing love and people I have in my life and everything else that is working... And since I haven't been able to do that fully, I know in my heart things are not going to move forward until I can.

One things for sure, we'll see what happens!

New House, Our love, My Health, LIFE!!!!!

Well I guess you can call this just a full life update.

I have been struggling to eat healthier ever since I ended the juice fast.  The odd thing about all this is I still don't feel bad about it.  I want to eat healthier but choose taste over health at the moment but I don't beat myself up over it which I would have done in the past.  I think the difference is I know I can eat healthy if I really wanted to, I did it before and after doing a 10 day juice fast I know I could definitely make better choices if it was more important to me.  I hope I can feel like healthy choices is a bigger priority soon.

Valentine's day was wonderful.  Albert really went out of his way to make the day special for me.  Flowers, stuffed animals, dinner, our date car, wine, etc.. It was romantic and perfect.  But you want to know the best part of the day?  The fact that this wasn't a rare occurrence that only happens on Valentine's day.  Albert does stuff like this all the time time for me and since he does do it often it didn't feel like he was only doing it because it was Valentine's day and I was able to enjoy it so much more!

I know Albert and I have had our challenges, heck I have gone to hell and back with him.  And a lot of people were skeptical about us being together and moving forward.  It was a scary decision a couple years ago but I have to tell you that  I AM SO GLAD I FOLLOWED MY HEART.  This entire situation just proves to me how following our heart is our truth and the best thing for us.  When I decided to recommit to Albert again after everything we had been through, I couldn't even imagine in being this good and I still did it!  Everyday Albert makes me feel so glad that I made the decision I did.  He takes care of me in every way possible, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and at the moment even financially.  Words still do not describe how lucky I feel.  He makes me want to be a better woman everyday and take care of him the way he takes care of me.  He makes me feel special, appreciated and cherished.   We have gone through a lot this past year and half and he has shocked me (positively) with every challenge we have faced.  I honestly don't know how I would have got through all this health stuff without him.  Albert truly accepts and loves me for who I am and loves and wants me no matter what!  I never knew love like this existed, I feel so very very lucky and love the man he is.  I would be one proud mama if my son turns out to be a man like him.  I can go on forever about this topic because I just feel so grateful and words don't seem to express it completely but I'll stop here. I just needed to express how amazing Albert it is. He deserves to be seen for the man he is.

For this reason I am able to believe in source having great things in store for me.  As Albert and I had many problems before I could of never imagined having the relationship we have now, actually I couldn't have imagined having that with anyone.  But all I knew is I wanted a good, healthy, loving, GREAT relationship with him.  I made decisions accordingly, even when it seemed like I might be making a mistake and in the end I was given something greater than I could have ever asked for.  If Source can do this with my relationship, it can certainly do this with my health, and my career.  Which are the two things I am struggling a lot with at the moment.  I need to find a way to remind myself to stay true to my intentions and trust in the universe.  I do have to admit that if I could only have one thing, my relationship, my career, or my health, I would pick my relationship without a doubt in my mind.  But I hope that I don't have to choose and that I have good things in store for me in my future, in our future!

I have some weird stuff going on inside me with my cervix and uterus.  On good days I feel hopeful and on days when I have a lot of symptoms or feel helpless I feel doubtful.  I want to be healthy and feel good again, normal again.  Most of all I want to be able to have a baby with Albert. I know he wants children and when the subject comes up he is very loving, he says "If we have a baby, then I was meant to have children, if we aren't able to have kids, then I was not meant to have any babies, We have Joel."  Words can not describe how this makes me feel.  He is amazing and its wonderful to know he is this way, but I still want to give him babies. I want to experience that with him, watching him care for our baby would melt me every day.  I hope we get to experience this, I hope my body allows this to happen.  I worry a lot and am scared.  I don't know what is happening in me, the doctors don't even know.  Lots more testing to do and hopefully we will get some answers soon.

Now about our house.... Oh this house!!!!!!!!  This house has probably caused the two of us to have more stress than I know what to do with!  It has been a roller coaster.  One day its good news, the next bad...   We had originally thought of moving to Fontana.  In Fontana we would have been able to buy a home three times as big as the ones in Covina and much much newer than the homes in Covina.  But it was very important to Albert for Joel to be near his school and his friends.  So with that choice comes a lot of sacrifices.  The house is much smaller than I imagined us getting, it has its share of issues and is 50 years old.  But its best neighborhood in Covina, its within walking distance of Joel's soon to be High School and the area has almost NO crime.  It is an excellent area in a blue ribbon school distract and for that we had to make other sacrifices.  But more importantly its not only a house, it will be our home.  We make the home not the house.  I am excited to move, escrow closes this coming Thursday, that is if everything is fixed and ready by then and it doesn't end up cancelling.   We won't know until then.  If we lose this house for any reason we start all over and hope we find another house in the same exact area.  I have almost had panic attacks over stuff with this home and I am not one that has panic attacks,  It's even more difficult with me not working because we have less money to get the house to the state we want it to be in.

I hope to get all this health stuff sorted out and get back to work as soon as possible. To be honest I hope to find a job that will be a step forward in my career and go back to my bar job and work both for awhile as getting another job will be a pay cut at first.  Either way when it comes time for me to go back to work, it will be great to have two incomes again.  The sooner this health stuff gets sorted out, the better.