Day 8 of my juice fast: Who said it would get easier?

I had almost no detox symptoms today. I slept late and got tired early.

However, my cravings are getting worse and worse everyday. I can not wait to eat again.

Once I go to bed I have two more days. But in actuality until I can actually eat normally again it will be a bit longer.

My fiance has really noticed the weight loss which is really good especially since he sees me everyday.  I don't plan on weighing myself again until the morning after day 10.

I don't think this fast served its purpose in the area of making me want to eat nothing but healthy food.  I was eating extremely healthily before I started the fast but now that I am on the fast I crave everything that is bad for me and I honestly can not wait to eat it.  I don't know how that will work out as it is not my desire to back track or to start eating unhealthily.

I hope tomorrow is better but I have a suspicion it is only going to get worse.

We'll see tomorrow.

Day 7 of Juice Fast: One more day down!

I woke up super early on my own this morning at around 5:30am which has never happened to me. I don't consider myself a morning person and 5:30am is just beyond too early.  But I couldn't sleep and was full of energy so I got up and started my day.

I have started to notice how smooth and clear my face is looking.  My skin has never looked so good.

My cravings have still not subsided.  I have lots of craving and have practically fell in love with food even more through this process which I am pretty sure wasn't the point.  However, I am sure I have also learned a lot of discipline and control...... Hopefully I have!

I had a nice long talk with Vicki tonight.  We ended up talking for quite a long time until Albert came "home". It was a very deep and healing conversation.  It doesn't surprise me as our relationship is built on this kind of stuff but I was surprised how it happened so naturally and how we always seem to go to the exact place that one of us or both of us need.

I attribute a lot of this "talk" or clearing to my fasting.  My mind is so quiet that I have become even more aware of my thoughts and feelings.  I consider myself a pretty conscious person to begin with but this fasting has definitely cleared my mind to a point that is rare. It really enables me to work through a lot my feelings and thoughts.  But it also helps that I am spending a lot of time with Vicki as I said before our relationship is really built on depth and helping each other grow and shift.

We'll off to bed.

Juice Fast Day 6: Anger and More

Morning Post:

Today I am experiencing a lot of anger which isn't like me.  I am glad my fiance is working so he doesn't have to deal my anger.

I'm just angry about all of these health issues.  I do my best to take care of myself, I even go above and beyond what the doctors expect and want of me yet I still keep having more and more sh*t come up. On top of that my body decides to play tricks so the Doctors have a harder time diagnosing stuff and curing it.

One second I have cancer, the next, I'm told my tumor is not malignant but its not benign (OK?). Then I am told I need radiation, then I am told radiation isn't a good option for me. Then I am told that Desmoid Tumors(Two: One the size of a grapefruit, the other the size of a baseball) which is what they removed from me, are extremely rare that only 600 cases have been recorded ever and that from what they know the tumor has a 50 to 70% chance of regrowing. And that it is locally aggressive and destroys everything in its path.  Yet, no radiation to reduce the chances of regrowth because I am too young!  On top of that finally out of all the freakin doctors I see the radiologist is the one that finally takes the time to explain everything to me.  Which in his words "The tissues of the tumor are not cancerous but the tumor itself behaves as if it were a cancerous tumor."

Now the second issue.  I start having a whole bunch of other symptoms (kind of embarrassing and disgusting so I will keep them to myself).  So I go the Doctors and guess what she is stumped by my cervix, have never seen what is going on with my cervix and can't stop the symptoms. So, then I go to a different doctor the VERY next day who now can't see anything wrong with cervix and I have absolutely NO symptoms!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!!!! Okay, I'll take this miracle, some how it magically cured it self!  HA!  Not that lucky, symptoms return a few days later!  So now I have all kinds of testing and doctors trying to solve this! I feel like my body is literally playing with me.

Okay that had nothing to do with the fast at all but had more to do with a whole lot of anger and I experiencing at the moment which I attribute to the emotions coming up because of the fast.

I am pissed off that I have to do this fast for my health and that I have to now watch what I eat in hopes it will reduce the chances of the tumor regrowing. I am f*cken pissed right now about that.  I LOVE food.

This anger is so foreign to me and usually I would be worried about what it means but right now I just don't give a rats ass how it looks or what it means.

With my luck this fasting will be all for nothing!

My throat is itchy, my lungs are still giving me a hard time and this anger doesn't feel good! I thought that after a few days of the fast it was supposed to get easier and easier!

I'm going back to bed.

Evening Post:

I weighed myself this morning and I lost 11 pounds.  That is a big loss, 11 pounds in 6 days which is good.  I know that 3 to 5 pounds are water weight and will return when I break the fast but I also hope to lose a few more pounds before I break the fast in five days, Wednesday February 7th.  I can't wait.

I feel a little edgy and still feel the anger, not like this morning but its still there.  I went and had a massage to help get the toxins moving out of my muscles and then out of my body.  Back in April I signed up for a year contract (one massage a month) with this massage place and I haven't been going the last few months so I had a few massages saved up which has been useful during the fast.

Even though I took a nap, I still feel tired.

Today I felt this new feeling.  A feeling of my stomach being empty.  It's not uncomfortable but its not comfortable either, just different.

Til tomorrow!

Juice Fast Day 5: Finally!

I woke up earlier than I would normally and felt okay for most of the day.  I actually had one of those fasting highs I have heard about.  I felt amazing this morning.

The last two days were the most difficult so I was very grateful for having some good moments.  It didn't last all day and I noticed I tend to be a little more "short fused" but it was definitely a little easier. I am looking forward to experiencing some more highs like that.  It was almost like the happiness a person who is buzzed from drinking alcohol gets except without my consciousness being altered.  It was a very clear high, I actually have not felt that good in a very long time.

I did have some difficulty breathing.  I have not taken any of my asthma medicine since I started the fast in hopes that my lungs would do some healing as well.  My Naturopath said that magnesium would help because it will relax the muscles around my lungs.  So, I took some of that in the morning and it worked like a charm until later that night after juicing I was wheezing really bad.  So, I gave in and took my inhaler.

I had an interesting experience that is probably doing to sound very weird to anyone who has never fasted before. I went to Fresh and Easy to find some all natural disinfective spray since it seems everyone in this house is sick and that is the last thing I need.  Going into a grocery store was not smart in the first place but as I was leaving the store my mind was completely somewhere else, and then I see this pizza... It felt like it smacked me in the face, it like consumed me and stopped me mentally in my tracks.  It was almost the way someone would feel if they see something shocking or painful (I'm not trying to be dramatic, just paint a clear picture) but it wasn't painful it just mentally took me over and it was so sudden.  It was a crazy feeling.  Of course, I didn't think once about buying or eating it but it sure took all my attention for a second.


Albert has been helping me do the juicing the last few days and I enjoy doing it together. Plus its a lot of work and a lot of clean up.  He pretty much just takes over which is very welcomed, juicing is a pain in the ass.

My sister is here from Oregon and we spent the day together.  I missed my sister and although we didn't do much I really enjoyed having her around.  She will be here for 3 more weeks which I am very happy about. I learned that she has done some fasting herself! Finally someone who can understand.

I spent some time with my friend Vicki today as well.  I didn't realize how far behind I was with all the wedding stuff.  These health issues have really taken a lot of time from me.  Hopefully this fast will really help me be on my way to completely being healed from ALL of it and can now move forward.  A few more tests and medications, and if no unpleasant surprises or news show up it should only be a few more weeks.  I will be glad to put this chapter behind me.


I had planned on weighting myself today since its Day 5 but I'm tired and I don't feel like it.  I'll do it tomorrow.  The weight really isn't all that important although I do expect to lose some and the more the merrier but it isn't my motivation. Although,  I do have to admit that if I don't lose much weight I will be disappointed.

On that note... I will be glad to eat again!

I'm half way there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Juice Fast Day 4 : It's not getting easier!

Well it's not terrible difficult like I thought it would be.  Compared to what I thought it would be it has been rather easy.  However, the cravings taunt me.   I can be driving or talking to someone and some kind of food just pops into my head.  Something no where in site or had nothing to do with conversation. It's totally out of the blue.

I'm not sure if I shared what I put in my juices.  I really don't drink as much as I think I should be drinking but I have no desire to drink them.  I even have to remind myself to drink water.  I strain my juice again after being juiced in order to remove any extra pulp) My juicing consists of  Apples, Pears, Kiwi, Blueberry, Carrots, Celery, Broccoli, Cabbage, Spinach, Ginger, Garlic, Parsley, Cucumber, Lemon, and Beet.  Now doesn't that sound delicous....... We'll its not!   It's terrible!  I dilute it with water and probably drink about 32oz a day.

There are still lots of body aches and pains but the headache has mostly gone.

I can't believe I still have 6 more days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 3 of juice fasting: Now it gets hard!

The first two days were much easier than today.

Last night is when it started.  Not only with the detox symptoms but also with the cravings.  Of course my body has to do everything differently.  Out of all the stories I heard not one person said Day 1 and 2 were easier for them.

I had a headache at various times throughout the day and lots of muscle and body aches.  The cravings were kind of intense.  I haven't really experienced much hunger at all, but lots and lots of cravings. And now I am craving food that I wasn't even eating or craving before the fast.  I'm craving all the "bad" or rather yummy foods.  Pizza, Olive Garden, Macaroni and Cheese, and the Mexican Churros from near my fiances work.

I have definitely learned the difference between physical hunger and a mental appetite.  I still have an appetite but no real hunger.

I feel kind of anxious and panicky when I think about still have so many days to go, it feels impossible.  Now I get the idea of one day at a time.

I hope the body aches go away and I experience the good stuff of the fast soon.

Til tomorrow

Day 2 of Juice Fasting: Not so bad!

Well today was not as bad as I expected.

I woke up with a headache, muscles feel a little tight, and feeling pretty tired and fatigued. I relaxed for most of the day and then went to get a massage in hopes to help release the toxins from the muscles and allow them to relax. When I got up from the massage, my face was super red almost as if I was having an allergic reaction to something on my skin yet nothing was put on my skin. I just figured it was something to do with detoxing and laying face down for awhile.

I considered making an appointment for a colon hydrotherapy treatment but I a little nervous about that since I have heard conflicting stories. Some day it can be painful and some say if done right it shouldn't be painful. I know that during a juice fast toxins build in the colon and its important to get them out. I haven't made the appointment yet we'll see what I do.

Driving home from the massage I started to feel anger. Angry that I "can't" eat. Angry that I had/have all these health issues. Angry that I don't know if they are getting better or if I am going to have more stuff to deal with in the future. Just plain anger. Which is a little odd.

I seem a little bit more conscious of my feelings and more talkative. I have spurts of energy which is really odd where I just want to talk forever. That usually only happens when I am talking to either Albert or my friend Vicki, or if I had been drinking.

It's only day two and I feel a tinge of confidence from this. Probably just because this isn't necessarily easy and yet it something I am doing out of love and care for myself. It feels good that I am actually doing this. I still can't believe it.

I kind of expect tomorrow to be terrible. Just because yesterday or today was not nearly as bad as I expected and others have said, so I assume the worst is still to come.

We'll see how far I make it.

Day 1 of Juice Fasting

Day 01 was a lot easier than I thought it would be.

I didn't like juice very much so every time I got a bit hungry I would take a drink of the juice and it made me nauseous taking my hunger away quickly. Towards the end of the day I felt slightly spacey.

I couldn't believe how easy it was for me to just not eat the entire day. Especially since I LOVE food.

Don't get me wrong I fantasize about food all day long and I am not saying it was easy, just much easier than I anticipated.

I didn't get the runs either like I was warned but then again I didn't drink much juice.

Today's juice was Apple, Pear, Broccoli, Celery, Carrots, Lemon, Spinach and Cabbage. I think I put way to much lemon since I really tasted the lemon.

A little scared about what tomorrow has in store for me. Most people say the second day is the worst.

We'll see

The day before my 10 day Juice fast Journey

I have read all about the benefits of fasting over the past couple of years, as well as the benefits of juicing and veggies. But I would have never thought I would be doing a juice fast.

A lot of things had to happen in order to get me to the place I am right now.

After being told I had cancer, tumors, then problems with my cervix all at the young age of 31 years old, I decided to change my health. I started educating myself on nutrition, eating better, and making my health a priority.

Then about a week ago I watched a movie called "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" and still having many issues with my health, I was inspired to do a juice fast.

I am not the type of person to do things like this. I love food, I love all the "wrong" foods and I would have never thought I would be even thinking about juice fasting for one day let alone 10.

But here I am! I have already eaten my last meal, brown rice spaghetti's noodles with organic tomatoes and basil. Yummmmm

Now I am getting a little nervous about all of this. I researched juice fasting as much as I possible could. I tried to prepare as much as possible in regards to knowing what to expect, having the support I believe I will need, and getting very clear about why I am doing this.

So................ I know this is going to be challenging. I know the next few days are going to be particularly hard and that scares me. In the past I have not done well with anything that was challenging. I tend to want to give up. I know If I give up during my juice fast, I will feel really bad but I also know the chances of me giving up are high since this is not going to be anything close to easy.

I think I am more scared about whether I can make it through this or not than the idea of not eating. No matter how much I have grown or evolved I still have some unsupportive habits of allowing my emotions and moods to have to control at times when things get difficult.

I want to accomplish 10 days of a juice fast. I want to succeed, its very important to me and my body.

We'll see what happens!

Tiffany

Life just never happens the way we plan!

I believe that life never goes as planned. And I don't like that, its not comforting and at the moment actually rather upsetting.

Some, very few, will say that life unfolds better than what we had planned. But what I hear in that statement is pain. What I hear is you don't get what you want out of life? And that just sucks.

Maybe I am just having a moment but I was a bit disturbed when this concept was pointed out to me.

So if I plan to spend the rest of my life with the man I love, that means it won't unfold that way because that is what I plan.

If I plan to have two more kids, that means it won't happen because I plan it that way.

If I plan on being happy and healthy for a long time, that means it won't happen because I plan it that way.

If I go to school, educate and train myself so that I can be successful in business and have a rewarding and fulfilling career that means it won't happen because I plan it that way.

How can that not be depressing?

I have read so many self help books with such opposing opinions on this subject. Some preach "He who fails to plan, plans to fail." others say "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making plans" and even “Seek not that the things which happen should happen as you wish; but wish the things which happen to be as they are, and you will have a tranquil flow of life." or "Go with the flow."

I have been taught that our intentions are what creates our life/future but isn't that planning something, intending it to be so?

I am coming to the conclusion that we have no choice but to go with the flow of life. No matter what we plan we have no control over what actually unfolds. Yet we try so very very hard to dictate how our lives go.

With every fiber in my being I hope to get to spend the rest of my life happily with the man I love. But confronting the fact that not only are his choices not in my control but more disturbing my own choices, feelings, and life is not really in my control either. This is so disturbing to me. On top of that we can not control what life does to us, accidents, diseases, etc.

I also want to feel good, be happy and live a long healthy life. But no matter what I eat, how much I exercise, or what actions I take I can not control how life unfolds.

The only thing and I mean the absolute ONLY thing we can control is how what happens in life affects us. We can control what we think about, what we put our attention and focus on, and where we put our energy. We have no control over ANYTHING else.

Put simply we can be a victim or we can choose how we respond to what life throws our way. We do not have control over what is thrown our way. We can try and resist as much as we can but the force of life/source/god is powerful beyond any force you may individually have.

Do I trust life not to throw me some mean sh*t? Hell no, I know better. But I hope it spares me a little and at least gives me the things that mean the most to me. My love ones. Even then I will experience loss.

I don't write this to be depressing. Although it can seem that way. I write this as a reality check for myself and for anyone else who may have the desire to read it. I write this because the last three weeks have been a haze and roller coaster wrapped up in one. I had to confront my life, head on. But more importantly as I drew people in closer to me, my eyes were opened to the fact that we all have "stuff" in our lives which we can justify being a victim to, or being depressed about, or sad because of. And I can't control what bad happens to me or to anyone I love. That realization sucks and it hurts. But it also confirms how important it is to choose my thoughts and how I feel, its the only thing I have control over.

I have a dozen things to be sad about, I also have a dozen things to be happy about and I get to choose which things I focus on.

I can focus on how it sucks to know that there is pain in my life and in my future and try my hardest to control and manipulate it to be something otherwise or I can confront and accept that I have no control and release the pressure of trying to do so. There is freedom in accepting that resisting what life throws at us does not mean sh*t won't happen. I have been resisting pain and sucky things happening to me ever since I can remember, well I can promise you it hasn't stop them from happening.

I love that I have an innate skill of giving people "reality checks" . Do you know why? No, I'm not evil (its always out of immense love) its because although a reality check stings at first and usually not for long, it is almost always followed by the world opening up for that person, a huge realization, extreme growth, and eventually a lot more joy. It brings people hope again, motivation again, passion, desire, etc. It's one of the best gifts we can give to someone.

I guess I just needed a reality check myself.

Now it's time I learn how to "go with the flow" with a smile on my face.

Lots of Love

Tiffany

Happy New Year! The Sum of 2011 and beginning of 2012.

2011 was life changing but seems as if it was all setting me up for the future.

Here is my personal 2011 "highlights" or significant events.

1. Albert proposed and we got engaged.

2. I had my braces removed.

3. I had the mass in my hip removed and was diagnosed with cancer.

4. I changed my diet and began educating myself on nutrition, making my health a priority.

5. I also have grown with Albert throughout this year and we have become closer than I could have ever imagined.

6. My relationships with family and friends have changed drastically.

So either way 2012 brings a lot of change. Whether that change be not so pleasant change or very pleasurable change we won't know until next year is complete.

It's scary, I can tell you my plans for 2012 but we all know nothing works out as we plan.

Life is crazy and it always throws us curve balls and detours.

I guess I can tell you what I plan for 2012 and then I will be able to look back on it and see how much of it actually worked out.

My intentions for 2012.

1. For Albert, Joel, and I to buy and move into the perfect home for us (our home).

2. To marry Albert and have a wonderful wedding experience.

3. To be successful in a job or business in which is suitable for me and brings me a lot more joy than my current place of employment. Also an increase in our income would be great.

4. To have a healthy body and mind, overcoming cancer and feeling better than I have felt in years.

5. To continue to build closer and closer relationships with Albert, Joel, and those I hold dear to me.

I have a lot to lose and a lot to gain.

We'll see what 2012 has in store for me...... for us.

Good Friends and Past Friends! What is my role?

I am wondering where the balance lies between creating boundaries (loving and respecting oneself) and accepting someone as they are (unconditional love).

I am really working through this concept of friends. I know I have had many many great people in my life. I know I have very positive intentions and would never hurt someone intentionally. I know I love to make people happy and love to see them have what they want. Yet, friends seem to drift away in my life. They are still there but neither I nor the other person makes an effort to connect.

I have always felt that I am the one that made all the effort to keep friendships alive with exception to my friend Melissa. I text people to get together, I call or email, I make the connection for a while but ultimately I am also the one that lets the friendship die. Something always occurs that makes me distance myself.

Now I am coming to a point where I am starting to question this. Over the years, I have built some very deep friendships with Vicki and Crystal. Who are two people I can trust without a doubt, people who respect me and whom I respect. Friends I love very deeply.

But with all these dozens of other people in my life (past friendships) still around and still experiencing "old stuff" between myself and the other person, I can't help but question the role I played in the breakdown in these friendships. And how much of that still needs to be worked through and healed within myself.

Some of these people in my past have hurt me, some of them disrespected me, some probably felt disrespected by me but what is it that I need to heal within myself in order to heal some of these relationships, as well as let some others go.

I have no desire to have people in my life that don't respect me or like me. I am okay with that and don't need others to like me. But what I find I do need is for others to be honest about who they are and what they feel. I have discovered I am still attracting more people into my life that create a sense of confusion and make me doubt myself. What is still alive within me that is attracting these people to me?

How do we know who to trust? How do we know what issues we are creating because of insecurities within ourselves and what issues are actually real and a true concern?

I see how it's hard for me to be vulnerable with people. Does this create an "energy" or "sense" of competitiveness or protection against them?

I fear the second someone is not perfect that I become protective which causes unnecessary strain on friendships. However, I also fear not protecting myself from people who are hurtful and don't have my best interest in mind.

How do you distinguish between the two? How do I find the healthy balance of those two?

Whatever it may be, I hope to work through the issues that cause me to be distant, defensive and protective towards those who deserve trust and respect. And I hope to get to a place where I automatically keep distance from those who are not healthy for me.

I welcome any light into this, any feelings you get from me, thoughts, concerns or your own experience with me that you feel is relevant. For personal feedback email me: LoveGrowth@gmail.com

I respect when someone can be brutally honest with me. The reason why Vicki and Crystal are so close to me is because they understand me, they don't take my forward honesty as an attack and also because they are bluntly honest with me so I have a deep respect for them.

Without honest feedback from those around us, we are not able to see ourselves from another persons perspective. I owe a lot of my growth to those who have had the courage to be honest with me and to not be offended by my honesty (which truly comes from my heart).

I look forward to hearing from you.

Loving and Joy,

Tiffany

P.S. If I have ever offended you or anyone by my very direct honesty, I apologize that is never my intentions. When I care about someone, is when I am the most honest and forward. When I do not give feedback is when I don't really care. So please, If I ever seemed to be harsh on you, its only because I cared. It is only who I am and not an attack. However, I realize I can be a bit more compassionate and address things from a place that doesn't seem judgmental, I will work on it. Lots of Love

Enjoy

Nothing I claim to be facts, just my thoughts.

If you are a person who knows me well you know that I truly believe that what I experience in life is a reflection of my thoughts, feelings, and things going on inside me. And that I am 100% responsible for my life and what I experience.

However, I am in a human body so with a human mind and this physical reality appears to be happening to me.

So as a kind of way of throwing myself wide-open, showing who I truly am at this time and really working through a lot of thoughts I am having, I am going to share my opinions of life and others.

First is that someone who is true and real will care about you and be there even when they don't agree with you. I see so many people jumping friend to friend according to who agrees with them. That must be a lonely road to go down.

I know my life has drastically changed many times in the last year or so and it really showed me a lot about people and where they are in their lives. Meaning it says a lot about me, what is says I don't know. I know the people I want in my lives and the people I respect are people who allowed me to go down whatever paths where best for me, without judgment or distance. Now I have learned to do the same. As those I love make decisions either that I like or don't like, I can just love them through it and be there. It's a wonderful and real thing.

I also see how money changes people. I always tell Albert if you want to see who someone truly is give them money and power. That isn't only in a negative way their are plenty of people with money being very generous and still treating people as equals.

But recently I have noticed something else. Anybody who perceives themselves to have not enough will also be expressing their true selves but they will try to hide it. I see people at work claim to be someone's friend but try to take every tip as possible without any regard to "their friend". I see people turn on someone as soon as they benefit from the situation.

I am not claiming to be better than this, or that I don't do this or that I do. I am simple stating what bothers me in an effort to take an honest look at myself which is something I preach all the time.

I read self improvement books, do workshops, have conscious friends, have a life coach and try to do my best to always be positive and growing.

But I am not perfect and I don't claim to be. I would love to live from my heart 100% of the time, yet I have two people in my life in which really give me negative feelings inside. This shows how far I am from living 100% in my heart.

I wish I could clearly write about these people but I don't want to offend or hurt anyone's feelings. Maybe at some point I will but as for now I guess I can address what I can't seem to let go of about these two.

The characteristics I have issues with are:

Kissing someone's ass and turning around and talking negatively about them, being shady, being lazy, not being true to their word (their word depends on who they are talking to), not doing anything with their life, living off of others, doing nothing with their life but sleep, eat and burp, claiming to be someone's friend but not thinking twice about screwing them over in an instant if it benefits them. ( I could go on but it doesn't feel like focusing on this is serving me.)

I guess what I am learning from this is that I feel better about addressing the qualities I see missing and the qualities I value. Respect, Integrity, Taking care of business (not sure what to call that quality, lol), Honesty, Loyalty, Responsibility, and being a man (sorry can't come up with anything else for that either).

I am tempted to start spilling out how I behave and make decisions, etc..... But my intentions are not to claim I am better than anyone, as I am not. My intentions are to work through these feelings I have towards these behaviors or people who behave in this way.

I know one way of addressing some of these things are to focus on the things I do like. The qualities in the people I choose to have around me that I admire and respect. So for now, that is my answer, that is where I will put my attention.

Here's to those that I choose to have around me and what I love about them. Lots of Love.

My new life!

I just wanted to give an update to my situation with Albert.

Albert started trying to come back around in October of 2010 with a lot to say and I wanted to hear none of it. After some time I gave him a chance, to at least speak.

Albert said a lot of things but words are just words. I needed proof that things weren't the way I thought they were and no matter what he lied and did things you don't do to someone you love.

After some time of him showing me physical proof, papers, documents, talking to other people, him even talking to my parents, etc.. I decided to give him a chance.

I don't regret it one bit, some people have their opinions........ Let's just say I have a lot of respect and love for those of you who trusted me and supported me through everything.

The rest is history. He has been amazing, it took me some time to work through all the damage that was done, to this day he is still very patient and works with me through anything and everything that comes up.

He then proposed at the end of March.

He has become the best step father Joel could ever have and the best boyfriend/fiance/husband a woman could ever dream of. He still doesn't and never will let me walk all over him, he definitely wears the pants but he treats me like a queen and that is the balance I have always wanted. I need a man who can handle me and not let my ways control him, but I also need him to treat me like the most precious thing to him.

Last Tuesday I was surprised with roses and Thursday I was taken on a surprise date all just because he loves me. A girl couldn't ask for more.

Near the end of June we set a date for the wedding.

We will be getting married June 24th, 2012 at Pomona Valley Mining Co.

We plan on buying a house in January. Although he will actually be buying it since I don't make much money, it is our house. And we plan on having kids shortly after, when we can afford for me not to work.

Now it is time to get the other two areas in my life aligned with who I am and headed in the direction I would like.

One - My career, I want to wake up excited to do what I do. I want to enjoy what I do. And I want to help people feel better and enjoy their lives. Preferable making money through my own business or businesses of helping others in one way or another. I would later like Albert and Joel to get involved in the businesses. I want to have free time to do what I want to do but also have the ability to make money when I would like. I know if I can do it, I can believe that others can and I can help them realize and actualize their own dreams.

Two - My body and weight. Albert says I shouldn't worry about it, he loves me the way I am and I should just remember that. But its beyond how he or anyone else sees me. I want to feel good physically. I want my body to function properly with lots of energy and I want to feel good when I look into the mirror. That doesn't mean I need to be a size 2, it just means I need to know I am healthy and feel it.

Until next time.......

Dramatic changes in the direction of my life. (Deceit, Betrayal, & a New Life)

I took a trip to Sedona, AZ in the beginning of July.

I was told while in Sedona, which is a very spiritual place, that I was in the beginning of some huge shifts in my life.

They weren't kidding.

Within days of arriving home from Sedona, I discover that the man I thought of as my beloved partner who I was devoted to, was not the man I thought he was at all. It turned out he was living a double life and everything I knew about him was a lie.

Anyone who knew me, knew how much I loved that man. I would have stood by him until the day one of us died. This was by far the hardest and most painful things I have ever gone through.

I can tell you through all of it and still going through it, that I definitely know what I want in life. I sacrificed myself for four and half years. I put myself before him because of my immense love for him. Within seconds of discovering who he really was, I knew my life would change forever. There is not much a person can do to make me CLOSE down completely to them for good. I went from completely devoted to him to completely closed to him within the matter of hours.

I can say with confidence that there is NOTHING he could say or do that would have me want him in my life. I have zero desire for him in my life.

I was surprised to see this in myself. I have always been intelligent and a pretty determined person. But my emotions have been my weakness. I was happy to see that there was a line I wouldn't let someone cross and that I had boundaries, although it should have happened much sooner.

And although at times the hurt has been very hard, I am very happy with my life. I feel very free. Not in the sense of not being tied to someone but in the sense of being myself. I see I played small in my relationship. I bought into his opinions. The fear of losing something/someone will always confine you. Living with so much less fear is liberating.

I can tell you that my world is expanding at rapid speeds. The funny thing is from the outside, there may not be much obvious change other than not having a deceitful boyfriend anymore but inside me so much has changed.

I feel happier, less anxiety, excitement for my future, and on the verge of some huge things happening.

I am so happy I had no ties to him. That I was so lucky to get a clean break.

Now anything is possible.

I thought I would never be attracted to another person the way I was attracted to him and I can just say that was completely untrue.

I truly enjoy getting to know other people, other men, and most of all getting to know myself.

I have an amazing friend (Thank you, JOSH!) who has really been helping me raise my vibration. My son told me that I seem more "lively". What a wonderful thing to be called. My relationships with almost everyone are becoming much more deeper.

I am reconnecting with friends with whom I missed so much.

Although scary, hard, and hurtful this has been magical, wonderful, and super empowering.

I used to be scared to declare what I want. To go BIG. I felt weird, scared, and really just not worthy of "going big" in life.

Now I can. I want it all. I am asking for it all. AND I am going after it all!

Including: Making a very good living doing something I truly love, A wonderful fulfilling relationship with a man who respects and adores me, a healthy beautiful body, and lots of amazing people and opportunities.

I can see it possible now to truly enjoy my life.

I hope to never give my power away again. And I am working on it make sure of it.

I am even becoming creative. Having desires to garden, paint and express myself in ways I never thought of before. Dancing and even singing!

It just feels so good to let "me" be free and enjoy life.

My main intention is to learn how to do this more and more and more. Within relationships, within my career, within my entire life.

How did I ever think I could be happy with that man.

I guess my point is, even though sometimes things are hard and are very very "wrong", we can still gain from them.

What that man did was very wrong and very harmful. He has some major issues! But I can dwell on what he did to me or I can focus on who I am. And you know what. I am an honest person. I am a person who loves with all my heart. I am a person who is loyal and respectful. I am a person who is open minded and loves to grow. I am a person who is not capable of hurting someone that way. And you know what.... I LOVE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And to be honest I still love him. I love who he was with me. I love a part of him that I know I truly felt. But I have no desire for him in my life. I desire SOOOOO much more.

My world just got a whole lot bigger.

I still have a lot to work to go through, a lot of growth. I still hurt sometimes in ways I wish on NO ONE. And I am pushing through it and I WILL get through it. And I will LOVE again.

Next time I won't hold back, I won't hold back because I wont have any reason to.

Thanks for listening.

Amazing stuff to come.

Single Mother raising a boy

I received a rude awakening yesterday.

I am a single mother to a 12 year old boy who is coming into his teenage years. He needs discipline, he needs someone to teach him work, to teach him self discipline, to be able to teach him how to be a good man.

How does a woman teach a boy how to be a man?

It felt like I was going to have to compromise my very close mothering and nurturing relationship with my son in order to start teaching him more "manly" things because he doesn't have a father around to do so.

My boyfriend has been really helping me with this but he is not here 24/7 and is not in the position yet to start enforcing rules on him. I don't want to have to be this hard firm mother. I just want to love my son. I know my role as a parent is not to do what I want, its to guide him to be a happy healthy adult.

I am curious of how other single mothers with boys have helped their boys become good men.

I also realize that what I lack in teaching him like "hard work" and "taking care of business" is not something I do well myself either. So I am struggling with this.

My son is so close to me. He's honest, respectful, he loves to make me happy, and is very mature for his age. However, he lacks self discipline (we both do) and responsibility.

Things are going to have to drastically change, if I want to teach my son these values.

I can't believe I didn't see this coming.

This is helping me become more conscious of my own lack of self discipline. I have always believed in leading by example so this means a lot of changes for me as well. However, I can not be a man so its going to be an interesting journey to see how this plays out.

I just need to write.

Happiness! Isn't that what everyone wants?

At least for me over the past months or years my desires have begun to separate from happiness. My main goal in life is not to obtain all that I desire, My main goal is to be happy. Although I do plan on experiencing everything I desire and more!

Most make the mistake assuming when they obtain those things in life in which they desire is when they will have happiness and most have yet to learn that is entirely untrue. A lot of people who get everything they want are more miserable than those of us in which life has been challenging. We think we know what we want until we get it.

What about just trusting that we already have what we need to be happy. Yes, I know I am repeating that old cliche, but its true. However, what is one to do when you discover happiness is not outside of oneself, but has yet to find happiness inside oneself.

I can truly say I am happy with who I am, I am proud of who I have become. I never gave up on myself and I did the work to be where I am today. I am discovering that no other person, place, or thing can truly make me happy. They can bring me pleasure, yes, but true lasting happiness I KNOW comes from a deep internal state within myself.

At times I feel limited, restricted, needing to break free. I currently have no outlet as most have. I don't drink or party, I don't have a job that pumps me full of adrenaline, I don't have a drama filled life anymore (most of the time), I don't have any extreme sports or other outlets in which to express myself.

I can see how I limit myself. I can see how I can be that person singing, dancing, really connecting with something, fully expressing who I am. I have it in me. Yet, it sits, dormant. Everything happens for a reason and I look forward to the day when I have no inhibitions and just allow myself to let go.

Although my life is amazing, I still get the feeling I am playing small. There is so much more inside me. Its just learning how to play big, learning what BIG is for me?

It's not a perfect job, or marriage, or kids, or new seminar. It's something within me. I know expression and connection have something to do with it.

I wonder when I will find MY intensity.

Until then, in the meantime I am practicing trusting and surrendering. Surrender? What does that mean? I have no idea what letting go looks like, I don't know what trusting looks like. It has been me against the world for as long as I can remember. If I didn't fight for myself, no one else would.

It's time I take a chance, put my sword down and see where life will take me. I may get stabbed in the heart without my shield or any way to protect myself but its a risk I am willing to take. Now I just need to learn how to do it.

Trust! A word used so liberally and one in which I hear daily. Yet I don't think I truly know the experience of trust. I have never learned how to trust. Not myself, not life, not God, not anyone else.

So it is my current journey to learn how to trust ME! To trust Life, To trust God, and to trust the man I love.

Now thats a tall order!

Love and Joy,

Tiffany

Authenticity

As much and as hard as I have worked on being authentic and real, I still have more to go.

I notice that before I say or do things I think of the consequences, I change things, lighten things, etc. in order to manipulate what I think the outcome would be. And I am not talking about huge manipulations just minor ones.

Such as how to tell someone that I love that I need something from them. Instead of just telling them and asking them if they will do it, I find myself trying to convince them, or saying it in a way that would be more appealing to them.

This may seem like no big deal to most but to me it is. It is because if I can't trust myself to real I will never be able to trust anything anyone else is saying or doing. I am always questioning what everyones ulterior motive is.

On the same note trying to slightly convince someone of something is not trusting. Its the opposite of trusting, its try to force things. No matter how slight it is, it is still not trusting. And I intend to live my life and in faith and trust.

The concepts I refer to all the time are:
"Everything happens for a reason."
"Everything is perfect."

I am starting to truly live by these more and more and but as I said, I still got a little ways to go.

I am grateful for my growth and how authentic of a person I am now and I have no doubt that any of my "hidden" areas with have light shined onto them. It is my intention to live free and REAL.

Change within stillness, trust, confidence and the unknown.

I haven't posted in quite some time.  Even as I set the intention to write often, I slip out of expressing myself and fall back into the old habit of staying in my own mind.

Today has been very reflective and I must say, not much has changed over the past few months in my life yet it feels as if everything has changed.

I don't have any evidence to show or explain how my life has changed.  From another persons perspective that would be looking at my life from the outside, I am sure they would say nothing at all has changed.  Yet some how it has.

I guess the biggest change is that I am ready for life.  Everyday I am more and more ready for whatever life has in store for me.  Sometimes I look back and see how challenging my life has been, how nothing has really gone smoothly for me and this used to scare me.  To be honest it still does at times, but more and more I am ready to see what comes next.  The fear is melting away of it being bad, which it might.  It might just be more challenges and more pain.  But it also might be greatness, excitement, joy, love... I am more ready today than I was yesterday and the day before that or before that.


Am I scared to see what life has in store for me?  Boy am I.  But I am now at a point where I am learning to trust, I am learning to relax (just a little!  lol, I said learning) and try not to control every moment.  I am becoming more flexible, a little more confident, curious, and just surrendering.

Instead of trying to force life to go my way with every once of energy I have, I am learning to relax and just observe what unfolds before me.  This has not been easy and at times I fall back into old habits but just the mere fact that I can even do it a little, is so beautiful.

So my point.......  I don't have any changes or wonderful progress to report.  Same job, same school, same relationship situation, same living situation.  But I am freer than I ever have been.  I anticipate that it(the feeling of being free) will only increase. Words can not describe the type of progress I feel. Perhaps it isn't progress, perhaps its more of undoing of limitation.  Undoing the mental and emotional restrictions, I have placed on life.  What ever it is,  Today I am just a little more free!

In the next year or so my life is going to change in some very drastic ways and what can be the scariest thing is I really don't know what those changes will be, I just know they are coming in every area of my life I am at a place of transition, of some type of movement being the only option. Graduation, Living Situation changing, Relationship changing, much much more.


Next year, I could be married in a new house and a baby on the way or I could be single in a wonderful job enjoying lots of new experiences or anything in between.  But thats wild, I just don't know what my life will look like a year from now and unlike a lot of people I don't even have a clue of what it will look like.

The only thing I know is I am me.

What ever this change I feel (trust, confidence, faith) is and even if its only for the moment or for a few moments,  I look forward to watching it expand and feel more and more of it.  I am sure it will be tested, thats what life has been about for me, but all I can say is how I feel right now.  And right now I am just a little less scared of change and a little more free.  I don't know what life has in store for me but I know it will be interesting at the very least.  Big changes,  I think.


I just felt the urge to write tonight.

Life is OK.  :-)

My experience with Byron Katie

Today I attended a workshop, "Loving What Is" with Byron Katie.

I have been reading about Byron Katie and doing her work for a while now.

I have to say if you are not familiar with Byron Katie, most of her work is free at www.Thework.com.

A lot of things she says are so profound yet so simple its like having multiple aha moments at once listening just by listening to her.

"It's your thoughts that make you secure or insecure." -Byron Katie

Here is an example she has given.  If when you were little you thought your father was in his room, while you were in the kitchen.  You felt secure.  Even though wasn't in the same room with you and you couldn't see him. When really he left to the store without you realizing it and was hit by a truck.  But you still feel secure because you are believing he is in the other room.

Its the belief he is in the other room which makes you feel secure.  Not reality.  It goes the other way around as well.  Its your belief about reality that makes you feel stress, not reality itself.

Byron Katie has said "You can have a heart attack, thinking about how your going to die and you can't believe its happening to you and all the bad things that will follow.  Or you can have a heart attack, thinking how interesting, I am having a heart attack I wonder what happens next.  Either way you are having a heart attack, but you get to choose whether you do it in peace or not.

The best thing we can do is to learn to love reality.  When you love what is, you never suffer, no matter what happens.

We can reach this point by questioning our beliefs and thoughts.

I heard a statistic once that we have around 60,000 thoughts per day and 99% of them are the same thoughts we had the day before and something around that same percentage are the amount of thoughts that are untrue.

Think about this, think about any thought you have.  "I should be..................." Feel in the blank (ex. I should be doing laundry).  And find all the ways his isn't true, why its not true (Well I wouldn't be writing this blog).  However this is just to show how your thoughts can be false.  This is not how Byron Katie does inquiry and I will post her four questions of inquiry below.

Our reality is created by what we believe.  So do you believe thoughts that cause you pain or create peace.  If they cause you any discomfort you can use Byron Katie's The Work, to inquiry and see if they are true.  To find the truth, to find peace.


The work has really started to reshape the relationship that I have with my thoughts and Byron Katie has the most serving way of helping, by offering the work for free.  She even has a support line for free in order to help people with inquiry.

It doesn't hurt to try it.

Lots of love.