Taking responsibility for your own feelings

Taking responsibility for our own feelings!

Although nothing new to me, this has been a reoccurring theme for me lately.

I wonder what the purpose of this idea popping into my life so frequently lately means. 

I am reading a book all about this concept. 

I have also come across several quotes and images that are aligned with this concept.

And the one that is constantly reminding me is, I have someone in my life who tends to blame everyone but themselves for life and continues to hold anger and resentment towards many people for things they have done in the past. Some of these things being more than a decade ago.

I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me feels frustrated and annoyed with their behavior. Another part of me feels very compassionate and sad for this person. Imagine living decades with anger, pain and resentment towards lots of different people. It must be a very painful life.

And this is not about forgiveness, although that comes as a side effect when you start shifting your focus and taking responsibility for your own feelings. It's about taking full responsibility for how you feel, think, act, and never blaming anyone for anything you feel or think.

"No one can make you feel anything without your consent."

We get to choose how we respond to a situation. We get to choose whether we get angry or find compassion, we get to choose whether we walk away or attack. If you choose to get angry, that is not the other persons fault, that is your choice. If you choose to be loving, that is not the other persons doing, it is your choice!

"I am the perpetrator of my suffering - but only all of it." ~ Byron Katie

I love that quote because it explains all of this so simply. If I am upset it is because I have made the choice to be upset. If I am angry it is because I have made the choice to be angry. This is true all of the time!

We get to choose how we feel about things. We get to choose what we give our attention to. We get to choose if we love people or hate them. We get to choose whether we see that everyone is always doing the best they can and nothing is personal or that everyone is purposely doing it against us.

It's all our choice.

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

Now I am going to take this topic to the extreme because I feel that it could really help it sink in for some people. Let's use an extreme subject.....

Let's say a man murders his wife. The family of this woman that was murdered and their kids have many choices of how to live the rest of their lives. They can choose to see how they could never understand why someone would make such decisions, that he must of been suffering and in major pain in order to do something like that, that the situation caused the family to become closer and that it made them more appreciative of the people they love in their lives or they can choose to hate the guy who did this and think about why this happened to them and how bad the world is.

Either one of these perspectives would be correct, however hating the man doesn't hurt him it only ruins their lives and their own future! So then this man didn't only take one life, it destroyed many. But not because he chose that but because these people/person willingly gave him that.

The point is when you feel something, ANYTHING it is your choice to see things that way. If you currently see things in a way that is not serving you then do the work to see them differently.

It's not easy and you have to constantly do it but its worth it and it goes for EVERYTHING in life.

At this moment in my life I can see how terrible things are for me, I'm not working, my body is not exactly healthy, I don't know what is going on with body, I don't even know if I can have anymore kids, we can't find a house, I'm not losing the weight I want, I'm tired all the time, I experience pain all the time, we don't have the money we need for everything coming up in our near future.... shall I go on. Or I can see how amazing things are, I have an amazing man who is taking very good care of me, I have a beautiful son who is extremely conscious and intelligent, I have family and friends who love and support me and I am able to get around and move around as I please. I have a car to drive, a roof over my head, food to eat, I'm getting married soon, buying a house soon..... I can go on.

Either one of those two different perspectives are correct. But the point is, that it is my choice! I choose how I feel and what I think.  No one forces me to feel one way or another about it, I am responsible for how I feel and think!

The most important thing in my opinion is to start with the people you love. Let go of the choices and mistakes they have made, its not hurting anyone but yourselves.

Choose to love instead of hate. No matter what has happened, it's still your choice!

Why do we eat?

Better yet, Why do I eat?


If you asked me this question weeks ago I would of said hunger is the reason I eat.  


I don't know if now when I reach for food it is different reasons than it was before or if the very strict health diet and juice fast has just dramatically increased my awareness with food. 


But I can tell you that the reason I eat is surely not because I am hungry.


I went 10 days without food and never really felt Hunger.  I had cravings that is for sure, but I never felt real hunger.   I definitely know the difference now between real hunger and cravings.  


So then, why do I eat?


Well, because I want to!  


But lets take that a little further........


A friend and I have been supporting each other in discovering and learning more about our eating and health habits with hopes to eventually get to the place where we make healthy choices all of the time. 


My journey is slightly different than hers in the way that I am not trying to change any of my choices right now.  


After my juice fast I have realized that I have the will power and ability to force myself to eat whatever I think I should be eating.  Heck, I was able to not eat for 10 days.  So then why is it that at the moment I eat all the "bad" stuff, at least one meal a day?


It certainly isn't a lack of will power or ability.  


Let's see if you can follow this.  I have a desire to be healthy, I just don't have the desire to eat healthy. And I want to have the desire to eat healthy but I am not willing to force myself to feel something or do something I don't want to do.  


Therefore the change, the discovery, the shift must come from within me.  


A natural motivation to choose to eat healthy is what I am after. Not forced, Not depriving myself, not restricting myself, but a natural inclination to choose healthy food.  


I completely believe in myself and my ability to fix the symptoms.  I can force myself not to eat the "junk".  I have that ability and its not even as hard as I thought it would be.  But I don't want to fix the symptoms I want to fix the cause, the reason WHY! 


So why do I eat?  What is the real reason I choose to eat even when I am not hungry?


I can tell you what I have come up with so far. 


Boredom, Cravings, etc......


But let's take that even deeper to the level of awareness that I am at right now.


I eat because I feel overwhelmed and eating feels good, eating shuts everything else down for those few minutes, it slows everything down.  I don't have to think, I don't have to think about what I should be doing, what I am going to do, what I need to do, about how out of control my life is right now, about how I don't have very many options of what to do, about how my body feels like crap, of how I feel useless, worthless, and out of control.  For a few minutes when I eat that all goes away and I feel good! So it numbs me. 


Now its not as depressing or as sad as it sounds.  


Also eating makes me feel satisfied, at least for a few minutes.  Something I don't know much about.  My esteem survives only on achievement.  When I am not achieving I feel like nothing, when I am achieving I feel wonderful!  At the moment not only am I not achieving anything, I am not able to help myself or anyone else improve the situation, and I have no way of even trying to achieve anything at this moment... I feel lost, pointless and so unbelievably overwhelmed and stressed that the only way I know how to handle it is to eat.  


Some people play golf, some people have a beer or two, some people smoke a joint, some play sports........ I eat!


Now I am not some crazy obese person.  I surprisingly haven't even gained all the weight back that I lost since the surgery.  I lost a total of 23 pounds, wow, if only I was able to keep that off.  Ha ha, I gained most of it back but not all of it.  


And when I talk about eating I am not eating like crazy, I am just extremely aware of my food choices now. I still have an extremely healthy green smoothie for breakfast.  Drink green tea all day long with lots of vitamins and supplements.  I am just very aware of the other choices I make and how they don't serve my well being. 


But!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I don't need solutions.. I don't need another thing to try or another thing to try to convince me to force myself to do what is best for me.  What I need is to continue down this path of discovery, uncovering what is causing the unhealthy choices and changing that. 


I am no longer willing to try and fix the symptom.  I have proved to myself I can do it and I have done it many times before.  I'm tired of the back and forth.  I hope to get to the root of it all.  Will I gain some weight in the process, I'm sure I will.  But I am no longer willing to punish myself for desiring "yummy" foods. 


I love myself enough to give all the effort I would give in keeping myself on a strict diet to focusing on shifting the cause of my unhealthy eating habits. 


So why do I eat?


Obviously I haven't gotten to the core of it yet otherwise things would be shifting and my habits changing, but I can tell you I am "pulling back the layers".  


It is my intention to shift from a desire to be healthy but a desire for unhealthy food to a DESIRE to eat healthy food and feel good about it.  


One should never do something that doesn't feel good, it will back fire.  


I know most will not agree with me but in my opinion doing something that doesn't feel good or come naturally is not loving yourself either.  We must find a way to LOVE loving ourselves.  Until we are there, we have work to do on the inside not on our outer world.   


The answers are within! 


"Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~Buddha


"Dig within. Within is the wellspring of Good; and it is always ready to bubble up, if you just dig." ~Marcus Aurelius



You can’t break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You’ve got to walk it slowly down the stairs. ~Mark Twain


The greatest discovery of our generation, is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their state of mind. ~William James

You can outdistance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you. ~Rwandan Proverb

Surgery Cancelled and referred to USC

My surgery was scheduled for Monday March 5th until I went to the Pre-Op appointment yesterday.  After re-examination the doctor said my condition and symptoms is extremely rare and something he has never seen before.  So he said he was going to refer me to USC for the procedure.

Needless to say yesterday was not a good day.

I think part of me is becoming numb to the bad news but the part that stung pretty bad was that before this appointment I seen an end to all of this in my near future.  I was under the impression that after this last surgery I would be able to even work within a week and that most of it would be behind me.

Now, I have to go through the wait game again (for the referral and authorization), examination, scheduling a surgery (which from what the Doctor said isn't going to be such a simple surgery as what was previously scheduled), recovery, etc. Not to mention now I will have the symptoms and limitations for that much longer.

When the plan was to have the surgery this coming Monday,  I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and after yesterdays appointment I felt like that was ripped out from under me.  I should be used to that by now, ha?!

I was so glad Albert wasn't working and was able to help me through this. We worked through a lot of things, especially some issues I was having with myself and what I bring to our relationship.  He does so much and I feel like I do nothing but bring more stress and bad news.  He doesn't see it the way I do.

So yesterday was an emotional day.

I am feeling okay today, probably learning to surrender to things a lot quicker.

I would really love to find a way to be productive and feel like I am doing something, even while I am going through all of this.  That would make me feel a hundred times better.

Surrender and discovering of lack of control in life.

 I think the subject of control over our lives is a paradoxical idea.

On one level you can not force someone to love you, you can't force a company to hire you, you can't force your body to be healthy, you can not make someone be in your life, you can make things workout the way you want, you can't force the car to work if its broken, you can't force your child to be who you want them to be, you can't force your parents to be you want them to be, etc. I'm sure you understand what I mean by this.

Although it may seem obvious but most people go through life trying to force things to be different every moment of their lives. I realized I had no control physical control over my life the other day when I was feeling overwhelmed and beyond stressed.  No matter how much I want my body to be healthy, I can't force it to be so.  I can take some actions and do my best to move in that direction but no one can FORCE their body to be healthy.

For example Cancer, AIDS, Heart disease, etc.  If you have these things you can take steps to getting better but you can't force the disease out of your body.

On top of that I realized once I am better and able to work again, I can't force my last job to allow me to work there and I can't force any other company to hire me. Whatever happens is what I have to work with.

However, the reason it is a paradox is because I do believe we create our reality with our thoughts and feelings. And I can control my thoughts and feelings therefore if these statements are true then we do have complete control over our lives.

Yet either way we can not FORCE things to be the way we want them.

And when things happen in our physical world the only control we have is how we respond to it, that is it.

My favorite quote by Wayne Dyer is "If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

Also I started reading a book this morning which said summed all this up perfectly with "We can't change anyone but ourselves, and many of us die trying. I could be in charge of only one thing: what I harbored in my mind and the actions that followed."

Therefore I can't control what is happening or has happened but I can control how I respond to it.

I really needed that reminder.

Let's see how far I take it!

Lots of Love

Feeling sad and frustrated - House and Surgery not going well!

Everyone keeps saying that since we didn't get the last house we had in escrow that it means a better house is in our future, I don't know if I believe that right now. I know that is aligned with my beliefs but I just can't feel that at the moment. Looking around for another house is a disappointing experience. Any house we find that is even close to what we are looking for ends up being out of our price range and if it isn't then someone makes an offer way above the listing price. The only houses within our price range are short sales which don't work. Because of this I am feeling frustrated with the fact that I am currently not working. So I call the surgeon over and over again to see if the authorization went through and the line was busy all morning (what business doesn't at least have an answering service now?)! I finally get through and then they are trying to tell me I have to wait until after my next menstrual cycle (which would be around 3 weeks!), I tell them my last menstrual cycle just completed not too many days ago and that I want to get the surgery done as soon as possible (I can not wait another month before I can work). The lady says she will check if there is any availability this Friday or coming Monday and she'll call me back! But its been a few hours and no phone call. I want to start working already. I'm depressed because I don't only feel bored and lazy, I feel like "dead weight". What makes me the most happy is to be moving, progressing, producing, creating. Being able to work and make money is a huge part of that. Also being able to go to the gym would help. Last time I tried to go to the gym, just to walk on the treadmill, I ended up in pain for two days. And to make it even worse, when I am depressed like this Albert feels bad and wishes he can do something, when he has done more than I could of ever wanted. Without him I would be feeling way worse than this everyone once in awhile. I'm sure he would fix my body and get me working if he could. But what I feel right now is about how I'm feeling about myself. I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel in regards to my health and career and I don't know how to see the positive perspective I want to see. Yes, another "down" blog post. Not like me, but is my truth at the moment. :( Update: Surgery is Scheduled for Monday March 5th.

My desires!

Through out the last few days I have written down several topics in which I would like to blog about.  Stuff I know I need to take the time to focus on and allow myself to write what comes up.  Writing is very healing and therapeutic for me.  But, for right now I don't feel like focusing on that stuff at the moment.  Although I will state them now so that I feel more accountable to giving them some time then I will get to the real topic of today's blog post.

Future Topics

1. The idea of being considerate of others NOT being priority, that the number one priority is being authentic and true to myself.  This comes from years of Abraham Hicks and Byron Katie's work.  "How you react or feel because of me, is none of my business" - Byron Katie

2. The concept of control, regaining control, control over my mind, my life, my body. etc...

3.  Taking the concept of control even further. Hopefully I can articulate this clearly.  Usually I give in to what I want as way of "feeling" like I have control and I don't have to follow anyone's "should" list. (example I should eat a certain way) however I had this moment of clarity the other day that giving into a craving, a laziness, a dislike, etc.. is giving away my control over my body and mind.  When I give in to "habits" it is my subconscious (trained behavior) that I am giving control too, it really isn't the conscious me.  Therefore, giving into something (going against other people's shoulds) is still actually giving up control.  I guess I am sort of admitting here that I have less control over my thoughts and actions than I would like or previously thought I had.

4. And finally I would like to be able to come to a clear conclusion of how joy and control mix together.  I don't enjoy going to the gym but it takes self control to do it.  It seems that most decisions that we would make in order to have control go against joy.  This is important to me to clarify because my number 1 priority over anything is Joy.  Abraham Hicks has taught me a lot in regards creating the life I want and what is important to me.  When I allow myself to be anything but joy I am not serving anyone, not myself, not my loved ones, not my friends, not anyone around me.  Joy not control is my priority, however I do want to have control over my mind which will allow me to control my thoughts to only focus on joy.  Okay, if you can follow all of that I would be surprised.  But I need to find some clarity in this area because they seem to conflict for me and I would like to align them some how.  And for those of you who will say something like well just change your perception or you will learn to enjoy it, if it was that easy and didn't take a lack of joy and control in the first place I would have already done it.  So it's not some simple "change" the way I am solution, its something in my beliefs and thoughts that needs to shift and align with each other.

Those are future posts, if not only for my own personal attempt to gain clarity and shift some limiting beliefs.

Enough of that!

On to the good stuff for the moment.

My desires!  I had a few friends mention to me making what I desire very clear to Source.  I even had someone tell me about something called "placing your order with the universe" not sure I am that confident in my asking yet but I thought I would take a few moments to put my desires out there.

1. A home for us (Albert, Joel, Myself, and hopefully babies in the future) that has at least three bedrooms, two bathrooms, two car garage, enough space to park all of our cars (Albert has quite a few), the house being at the very least 1400 square feet, central air, convenient washer and dryer hookup area, a big comfortable kitchen..... all within the charter oak school district at a price we can afford right now and within a timely manner (like as soon as possible).  A home we enjoy and love and is perfect for all of us.

2. A tight healthy body.

3. Two babies in the near future.

4. An enjoyable abundant career.

5.  For Albert and I to continue to grow closer and stronger as a couple for what we have to evolve and go deeper and deeper.  (I have the relationship I want with him already, now I just desire it to continue to be this way and for us to grow together in this very fulfilling and loving manner we have now.)

6. For all of us (Joel, Albert, and myself) to continue to get closer and closer.  For us to be a close, respectful and strong family.  To trust each and support each other.

7. For my son to love himself and his life.  For him to be successful  (whatever that means to him) and for him to know and feel he is capable of anything he desires.  For us to continue to be very close and loving for the rest of our lives. For him to feel very loved, cherished and special and that he knows I will always be there for him no matter what.  I just want him to be happy!


Wow, that is a lot to ask for but someone told me I don't have to choose. I don't expect to have everything but it doesn't hurt to get clear about what I desire in life.

I plan on looking back on this post to keep my focus on my desires and what I want instead of worrying about what I don't want.

Hopefully tomorrow I will be motivated to give some of those others topics some attention.

Good Night!

Weight, Food, Health, Discipline, Who I am.

Ever since I broke the juice fast I have been making worse choices than I have since my surgery.

I don't understand my choices. I don't understand why.  After completely changing my diet and then successfully completely a 10 day juice fast I KNOW I have the ability to make the choices and decisions that is best for my body.  But yet, I don't.... I give in to cravings, I almost have no desire to try at the moment.  Except for rare occasions when I remember why I changed my diet in the first place.

It is a totally different feeling than I had before the surgery.  Before I used to feel like I wanted to eat healthy but didn't believe I had the ability to discipline myself enough to do it.  Well now I know I do. Now I know its something else.  There is something else going on.  It feels now like more of a conscious choice not to do what is best and choose to eat the yummy option. It no longer feels like a compelling choice that I can't help.

The person I want to be enjoys eating healthy and making healthy decisions. The person I want to be has a tight healthy body.  Not really for looks, although that would be a great side benefit but more because I want to feel the way it felt to have a tight healthy body.  The energy, the health, the "lightness" I felt was my ideal physical feeling.  I want to be able to run a 5k.  I want to be able to eat less and feel good.

So why did I all of sudden decide to give up on making healthy choices?
Why did I just all of a sudden stop caring?

There is something to this and I am doing my best to work through it. It's not just about people telling me "I know you can do it" or "Just do it" or "You did it before". That is not going to help or trying to convince me why I should (I already know why), there is something else going on inside me.  It's about not having enough motivation to do it.  I know I can do it, I believe I have the ability yet for most of the day I just don't care to anymore.

Sometimes I make good decisions. At night when I crave sweets, most of the time I choose not to when before the surgery I would have given to whatever I wanted.  My breakfast is still just a very healthy and green smoothie. I make sure I take all my vitamins every day.

I haven't put back on all the weight I lost from the fast but I am on my way to.  I feel very disappointed in myself but yet its still not enough to motivate me to make better choices.  I guess my life was worth saving but my quality of life apparently isn't.  Not sure what all that is about but I'm currently in the middle of these issues.

Now with another surgery coming up.... I just feel defeated. I feel like my health is too big of a problem to fix myself with nutrition and exercise. I feel I am beyond that. No matter what I did or how well I eat, even did a juice fast, my body didn't get better.

I want to take care of my body but I want my body to take care of me.  I need the help of my mind to be completely motivated to take care of my body.  I know all of this might sound weird to most people but I know people who are familiar with personal growth or the way the mind works will understand.  Or at least I hope they will.

I feel so vulnerable and out of control.  Like I have no control over what is happening and I feel like I have just given up.  Just going to allow what happens to happen.

Why can't I just be the person I want to be, a person who loves her body and takes care of it with love.  Someone who is naturally motivated to make healthy choices and exercise.  I am tired of everyone telling me how to do it but then not even able to do it themselves.  It's about needing for something inside of me to shift, I just don't know how to get there.

I am just tired of giving into a weak mind.  I know there is a part of me that is perfectly capable of all of this and yet I am not utilizing it.

Don't think I am some superficial physical person either.  I know some people who revolve their lives around  exercise and nutrition and think a good work out is impressive as a evening spent.  I don't, that is not the life I want.  I like depth, I am a very deep person but my desire is to have a healthy balance.  A balance of enjoying life and still being able to make healthy choices.   I have always been an all or nothing person. Its kind of impossible to find balance with that.  Everything I do is always been to some extreme.

I feel heavy... not with my weight but with how I feel.  I just feel heavy, stressed, overwhelmed, no motivation, and really in a haze that I am waiting for to clear.

I guess the bottom line is, I want to be in joy. That is what I find important.  I want to feel good.  And I don't feel good with a body that is painful, unhealthy and heavy.  I feel good about my relationship.  I want to feel good about my body and health. I want to feel good about my career and finances. It's just a struggle, I find joy from freedom and food, but I feel deprived and a lack of joy from forcing myself to only eat healthy stuff that I don't enjoy eating.  I want to find the healthy balance between the two.

I realize how this post is so far away from the positive perspective that I would like to have but I feel its important to share honestly. Just hoping I start shifting and clearing some stuff inside me.

Feeling a bit drained, time for bed.

Another Surgery

I won't go into the details of everything but what I have been dreading all along is now happening.  I have to have another surgery.  As of right now its believed to be completely unrelated to my last surgery and I hope it stays that way.

I am having a large mass from my cervix removed as well as a couple small polyps from my uterus.  It's supposed to be an outpatient surgery with only a few day recovery time but I am a little hesitant to believe that since the last surgery was supposed to be the same and I ended up staying in the hospital for several days with a very LONG recovery.

If everything goes as planned the surgery should not effect my fertility or actually should eventually improve it.  We'll have to see and now I don't believe anything until it happens.

I do know from what I have been reading that the tumor I had removed from my hip (desmoid tumor) is some how related to having polyps so I'm not sure how its related or if that is the case for me but it was something I came across when I did my research on desmoid tumors.

I was by myself when I found out and pretty upset.  I normally don't call Albert at work unless I have to but after this news I really needed to talk to him and I was glad I called him.  I was in a fog once again, kind of shocked.  Another Surgery........

But my friend Vicki came over to help cheer me up and I read some comments on facebook that really helped me shift the way I was looking at this next surgery.  I will do my best to look at this as a step closer to getting better rather than something that is a step backwards.

Vicki stayed with me until Albert came home.  Vicki and I picked up my sister and we all went to Krispy Kreme's it was really good and took my mind off of everything.  I feel very grateful for the people in my life.

I truly hope that this surgery is the last thing I need to do to get my body on the road to being completely healthy again.

The surgery will probably be this coming friday, the sooner the better, I want to get it over with.

I want to Thank everyone who has supported me through all of this.  It has been a crazy journey and I appreciate the love and care I have from everyone in my life.

Lots of Love,

Tiffany

Wedding website!

So I have a wedding blog and I just wanted to share that in case anyone was interested in reading it.

The address for the wedding blog is www.TiffanyLedesma.com

Our wedding will be June 24th, 2012.  I'm excited but way behind.

New House, Our love, My Health, LIFE!!!!!

Well I guess you can call this just a full life update.

I have been struggling to eat healthier ever since I ended the juice fast.  The odd thing about all this is I still don't feel bad about it.  I want to eat healthier but choose taste over health at the moment but I don't beat myself up over it which I would have done in the past.  I think the difference is I know I can eat healthy if I really wanted to, I did it before and after doing a 10 day juice fast I know I could definitely make better choices if it was more important to me.  I hope I can feel like healthy choices is a bigger priority soon.

Valentine's day was wonderful.  Albert really went out of his way to make the day special for me.  Flowers, stuffed animals, dinner, our date car, wine, etc.. It was romantic and perfect.  But you want to know the best part of the day?  The fact that this wasn't a rare occurrence that only happens on Valentine's day.  Albert does stuff like this all the time time for me and since he does do it often it didn't feel like he was only doing it because it was Valentine's day and I was able to enjoy it so much more!

I know Albert and I have had our challenges, heck I have gone to hell and back with him.  And a lot of people were skeptical about us being together and moving forward.  It was a scary decision a couple years ago but I have to tell you that  I AM SO GLAD I FOLLOWED MY HEART.  This entire situation just proves to me how following our heart is our truth and the best thing for us.  When I decided to recommit to Albert again after everything we had been through, I couldn't even imagine in being this good and I still did it!  Everyday Albert makes me feel so glad that I made the decision I did.  He takes care of me in every way possible, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and at the moment even financially.  Words still do not describe how lucky I feel.  He makes me want to be a better woman everyday and take care of him the way he takes care of me.  He makes me feel special, appreciated and cherished.   We have gone through a lot this past year and half and he has shocked me (positively) with every challenge we have faced.  I honestly don't know how I would have got through all this health stuff without him.  Albert truly accepts and loves me for who I am and loves and wants me no matter what!  I never knew love like this existed, I feel so very very lucky and love the man he is.  I would be one proud mama if my son turns out to be a man like him.  I can go on forever about this topic because I just feel so grateful and words don't seem to express it completely but I'll stop here. I just needed to express how amazing Albert it is. He deserves to be seen for the man he is.

For this reason I am able to believe in source having great things in store for me.  As Albert and I had many problems before I could of never imagined having the relationship we have now, actually I couldn't have imagined having that with anyone.  But all I knew is I wanted a good, healthy, loving, GREAT relationship with him.  I made decisions accordingly, even when it seemed like I might be making a mistake and in the end I was given something greater than I could have ever asked for.  If Source can do this with my relationship, it can certainly do this with my health, and my career.  Which are the two things I am struggling a lot with at the moment.  I need to find a way to remind myself to stay true to my intentions and trust in the universe.  I do have to admit that if I could only have one thing, my relationship, my career, or my health, I would pick my relationship without a doubt in my mind.  But I hope that I don't have to choose and that I have good things in store for me in my future, in our future!

I have some weird stuff going on inside me with my cervix and uterus.  On good days I feel hopeful and on days when I have a lot of symptoms or feel helpless I feel doubtful.  I want to be healthy and feel good again, normal again.  Most of all I want to be able to have a baby with Albert. I know he wants children and when the subject comes up he is very loving, he says "If we have a baby, then I was meant to have children, if we aren't able to have kids, then I was not meant to have any babies, We have Joel."  Words can not describe how this makes me feel.  He is amazing and its wonderful to know he is this way, but I still want to give him babies. I want to experience that with him, watching him care for our baby would melt me every day.  I hope we get to experience this, I hope my body allows this to happen.  I worry a lot and am scared.  I don't know what is happening in me, the doctors don't even know.  Lots more testing to do and hopefully we will get some answers soon.

Now about our house.... Oh this house!!!!!!!!  This house has probably caused the two of us to have more stress than I know what to do with!  It has been a roller coaster.  One day its good news, the next bad...   We had originally thought of moving to Fontana.  In Fontana we would have been able to buy a home three times as big as the ones in Covina and much much newer than the homes in Covina.  But it was very important to Albert for Joel to be near his school and his friends.  So with that choice comes a lot of sacrifices.  The house is much smaller than I imagined us getting, it has its share of issues and is 50 years old.  But its best neighborhood in Covina, its within walking distance of Joel's soon to be High School and the area has almost NO crime.  It is an excellent area in a blue ribbon school distract and for that we had to make other sacrifices.  But more importantly its not only a house, it will be our home.  We make the home not the house.  I am excited to move, escrow closes this coming Thursday, that is if everything is fixed and ready by then and it doesn't end up cancelling.   We won't know until then.  If we lose this house for any reason we start all over and hope we find another house in the same exact area.  I have almost had panic attacks over stuff with this home and I am not one that has panic attacks,  It's even more difficult with me not working because we have less money to get the house to the state we want it to be in.

I hope to get all this health stuff sorted out and get back to work as soon as possible. To be honest I hope to find a job that will be a step forward in my career and go back to my bar job and work both for awhile as getting another job will be a pay cut at first.  Either way when it comes time for me to go back to work, it will be great to have two incomes again.  The sooner this health stuff gets sorted out, the better.

After Juice Fast Update!

Well I must say that the juice fast definitely did not do what it to do for me mentally.

Physically it was everything I wanted and more. My body felt amazing, slim, healthy, and physically the fast was  a piece of cake!

Mentally on the other hand it kind of back fired a little for me. At about day 3 the cravings started and the intensity of them increased every day.  So when I broke the fast, it felt impossible to stay away from all the foods I had been craving for over a week!

I have heard people say that after a juice fast you become very conscious of what you put into your body.  I thought this would be the case and more importantly I was hoping it would be the case. But it wasn't!  Before the juice fast I was already eating very healthily and I had eliminated almost all toxin foods from diet.

I hate to it admit it but now I have been eating all that bad stuff.  I still make sure I have my smoothie for breakfast and I take vitamins with every meal but my food choices are not good at the moment, I was hoping they got better not worse.

Hopefully once I satisfy my cravings I will get back to eating healthier more than not.  I really do want to eat healthy and feel good physically.

We'll see!

Day 2 after the juice fast.

Throughout the morning my stomach felt fine until mid afternoon.  A little bit if stomach cramps and urgency to use the restroom. Or maybe, I am just more sensitive to my digestive system since I didn't have to experience it for 10 days.

I eat as healthy as possible most of the day and allow myself to have whatever I want for one meal.  I like that balance it feels right to me. I plan to go back to the gym today to start walking on the treadmill and see how my body takes that.

I stopped taking all medication, vitamins, and supplements while on the fast so I am having to get back into the routine of taking everything again.  Yesterday, I remembered to take a little more than the day before.  Hopefully within a few days I will have the routine down again.

I also do my best to get at least one cup of green tea in a day.  I was still drinking decaf green tea while I was fasting but now that I am not fasting I feel like I need to be drinking more of it.

I was also considering doing another juice fast in 3 months or so.  Since I was only willing to go the 10 days I think another fast would be do within a few months.  From what I understand each fast is very different.  All I know is that from what I experienced physically juice fasting is very good for my body.  I could feel it, its a dramatic difference and I want my body to continue to detox on a regular basis.

I do worry that I am not going to be able to keep the balance with my food. I tend to be an all or nothing type of person. I either eat extremely healthy without going off of it at all or I eat all very unhealthy meals.  I would be very surprised if I am able to keep the balance I feel is right for me.  It is my intention that the majority of my meals and choices be healthy with a few yummy choices a day.   That is balance a good balance I believe but we'll see how that works out for me.

I don't think I'll have much to write about the fast until I weigh myself again on Monday.

Enjoy!

The day after my Juice fast: I can eat!

I woke up to a thoughtful card my mom had left for me which was very loving.

I was a little hesitant to eat because I wasn't sure how my body would react.

I started to feel hungry about the time I would drink my first juice, so I had my smoothie instead.  Luckily the smoothie was pretty watery and not too thick today so it would go down smoothly.  The smoothie tasted extremely good compared to my juices and I surely did miss my smoothies.   I only had about half of what I would normally drink and then I felt full.   A little while later my stomach did become a little hard and I had some cramps but I figured it was my digestive system turning back on.  I couldn't have eaten anything healthier than my smoothie.  It is a very green smoothie.  :)

I also weighed myself this morning and I have lost a total of 15 pounds!  3 to 5 pounds is water weight and will return within the next few days.  But that is still 10 to 12 pounds lost.  Which is good.  I look forward to losing more weight.

I picked up my sister so that we could spend the day together.  I had some more of my smoothie a few hours later when I felt hungry again.  But before too long I was very hungry in a way I haven't felt for over 10 days.  Once that digestion and metabolism turns back on, you can definitely feel it.

So, I was sooooo bad.  I gave in and had Jack in the Box.  I got one of their breakfast sandwiches with no bacon or yolk on it.  So it was pretty much bread, egg whites, cheese and ham. I even had a some hash brown sticks.  I know it wasn't healthy but I surely enjoyed it!  This kept me full for quite a long time.

Later on in the day I had crazy stomach pains and I had several bowel movements.

My sister, my son and I then went to have dinner with my brother at his favorite vegetarian place.  I had the best time.  We laughed, had very deep conversations, we made future plans, it was just pure joy.  I love all of them very much.  I didn't eat much of the food though, I didn't order anything and just tried a bite off of everyone's plates.  I still wasn't hungry.

My sister and I then went to Dave and Busters which was fun.  I started to get extremely tired towards the end.  We didn't eat anything there and I had no desire to either.

When I got home and started getting ready for bed, I had a few organic raisins which were delicious!

It was a great day!

Day 10: Last day of the juice fast.

Today was slightly easier than yesterday but I think that is because I knew that it was the last day.  Although any smell, picture, or actual food really got to me.

I really hope I am able to continue to make healthy choices after this fast but the things I have been craving for the last 10 days are not very healthy foods.

I re-watched "food matters" with my fiance today in order to try and remind myself how important it is to make sure nutrition comes first.  However, I have learned through this process that balance is key.

I love the social aspect of food and I love to enjoy the tastes of foods, they both bring a lot of joy so I hope I am able to find a healthy balance between making sure I make mostly healthy choices in order to get the nutrients that are very important as well as enjoying experiencing the joy that food brings me.

I was a bit sad today but I was dealing with a few issues with my health that get to me sometimes.

I gave in and took my advair for my asthma today because my lungs were just getting too bad.  It was becoming concerning.

As of now, I officially made it 10 days on a juice fast without cheating once.  I didn't have anything to eat not even as much as a raisin.

I wonder how it will feel start eating again and to be able to taste food again!

Yayyyy!

Day 9 of juice fasting: So glad its almost over!

Tomorrow is the last day of my juice fast. I will be breaking the fast wednesday morning with a smoothie and then some fruit and veggies for lunch.

Physically I feel okay other than a little bit of light headedness and weakness through out the day.  But mentally this was torture.

People have to eat around me and you can't go anywhere without seeing or smelling food!

This definitely did  not get easier as the days went by as I thought it would.

My fiance keeps telling me I smell funny.  Not bad just like a strong stinging smell like asian food.  I am assuming it is from the ginger and garlic I put into my juices.

I'm very excited to enjoy the tastes of foods again.

One more day, Yaaaay!!!!

Good Night!

Day 8 of my juice fast: Who said it would get easier?

I had almost no detox symptoms today. I slept late and got tired early.

However, my cravings are getting worse and worse everyday. I can not wait to eat again.

Once I go to bed I have two more days. But in actuality until I can actually eat normally again it will be a bit longer.

My fiance has really noticed the weight loss which is really good especially since he sees me everyday.  I don't plan on weighing myself again until the morning after day 10.

I don't think this fast served its purpose in the area of making me want to eat nothing but healthy food.  I was eating extremely healthily before I started the fast but now that I am on the fast I crave everything that is bad for me and I honestly can not wait to eat it.  I don't know how that will work out as it is not my desire to back track or to start eating unhealthily.

I hope tomorrow is better but I have a suspicion it is only going to get worse.

We'll see tomorrow.

Day 7 of Juice Fast: One more day down!

I woke up super early on my own this morning at around 5:30am which has never happened to me. I don't consider myself a morning person and 5:30am is just beyond too early.  But I couldn't sleep and was full of energy so I got up and started my day.

I have started to notice how smooth and clear my face is looking.  My skin has never looked so good.

My cravings have still not subsided.  I have lots of craving and have practically fell in love with food even more through this process which I am pretty sure wasn't the point.  However, I am sure I have also learned a lot of discipline and control...... Hopefully I have!

I had a nice long talk with Vicki tonight.  We ended up talking for quite a long time until Albert came "home". It was a very deep and healing conversation.  It doesn't surprise me as our relationship is built on this kind of stuff but I was surprised how it happened so naturally and how we always seem to go to the exact place that one of us or both of us need.

I attribute a lot of this "talk" or clearing to my fasting.  My mind is so quiet that I have become even more aware of my thoughts and feelings.  I consider myself a pretty conscious person to begin with but this fasting has definitely cleared my mind to a point that is rare. It really enables me to work through a lot my feelings and thoughts.  But it also helps that I am spending a lot of time with Vicki as I said before our relationship is really built on depth and helping each other grow and shift.

We'll off to bed.

Juice Fast Day 6: Anger and More

Morning Post:

Today I am experiencing a lot of anger which isn't like me.  I am glad my fiance is working so he doesn't have to deal my anger.

I'm just angry about all of these health issues.  I do my best to take care of myself, I even go above and beyond what the doctors expect and want of me yet I still keep having more and more sh*t come up. On top of that my body decides to play tricks so the Doctors have a harder time diagnosing stuff and curing it.

One second I have cancer, the next, I'm told my tumor is not malignant but its not benign (OK?). Then I am told I need radiation, then I am told radiation isn't a good option for me. Then I am told that Desmoid Tumors(Two: One the size of a grapefruit, the other the size of a baseball) which is what they removed from me, are extremely rare that only 600 cases have been recorded ever and that from what they know the tumor has a 50 to 70% chance of regrowing. And that it is locally aggressive and destroys everything in its path.  Yet, no radiation to reduce the chances of regrowth because I am too young!  On top of that finally out of all the freakin doctors I see the radiologist is the one that finally takes the time to explain everything to me.  Which in his words "The tissues of the tumor are not cancerous but the tumor itself behaves as if it were a cancerous tumor."

Now the second issue.  I start having a whole bunch of other symptoms (kind of embarrassing and disgusting so I will keep them to myself).  So I go the Doctors and guess what she is stumped by my cervix, have never seen what is going on with my cervix and can't stop the symptoms. So, then I go to a different doctor the VERY next day who now can't see anything wrong with cervix and I have absolutely NO symptoms!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!!!! Okay, I'll take this miracle, some how it magically cured it self!  HA!  Not that lucky, symptoms return a few days later!  So now I have all kinds of testing and doctors trying to solve this! I feel like my body is literally playing with me.

Okay that had nothing to do with the fast at all but had more to do with a whole lot of anger and I experiencing at the moment which I attribute to the emotions coming up because of the fast.

I am pissed off that I have to do this fast for my health and that I have to now watch what I eat in hopes it will reduce the chances of the tumor regrowing. I am f*cken pissed right now about that.  I LOVE food.

This anger is so foreign to me and usually I would be worried about what it means but right now I just don't give a rats ass how it looks or what it means.

With my luck this fasting will be all for nothing!

My throat is itchy, my lungs are still giving me a hard time and this anger doesn't feel good! I thought that after a few days of the fast it was supposed to get easier and easier!

I'm going back to bed.

Evening Post:

I weighed myself this morning and I lost 11 pounds.  That is a big loss, 11 pounds in 6 days which is good.  I know that 3 to 5 pounds are water weight and will return when I break the fast but I also hope to lose a few more pounds before I break the fast in five days, Wednesday February 7th.  I can't wait.

I feel a little edgy and still feel the anger, not like this morning but its still there.  I went and had a massage to help get the toxins moving out of my muscles and then out of my body.  Back in April I signed up for a year contract (one massage a month) with this massage place and I haven't been going the last few months so I had a few massages saved up which has been useful during the fast.

Even though I took a nap, I still feel tired.

Today I felt this new feeling.  A feeling of my stomach being empty.  It's not uncomfortable but its not comfortable either, just different.

Til tomorrow!

Juice Fast Day 5: Finally!

I woke up earlier than I would normally and felt okay for most of the day.  I actually had one of those fasting highs I have heard about.  I felt amazing this morning.

The last two days were the most difficult so I was very grateful for having some good moments.  It didn't last all day and I noticed I tend to be a little more "short fused" but it was definitely a little easier. I am looking forward to experiencing some more highs like that.  It was almost like the happiness a person who is buzzed from drinking alcohol gets except without my consciousness being altered.  It was a very clear high, I actually have not felt that good in a very long time.

I did have some difficulty breathing.  I have not taken any of my asthma medicine since I started the fast in hopes that my lungs would do some healing as well.  My Naturopath said that magnesium would help because it will relax the muscles around my lungs.  So, I took some of that in the morning and it worked like a charm until later that night after juicing I was wheezing really bad.  So, I gave in and took my inhaler.

I had an interesting experience that is probably doing to sound very weird to anyone who has never fasted before. I went to Fresh and Easy to find some all natural disinfective spray since it seems everyone in this house is sick and that is the last thing I need.  Going into a grocery store was not smart in the first place but as I was leaving the store my mind was completely somewhere else, and then I see this pizza... It felt like it smacked me in the face, it like consumed me and stopped me mentally in my tracks.  It was almost the way someone would feel if they see something shocking or painful (I'm not trying to be dramatic, just paint a clear picture) but it wasn't painful it just mentally took me over and it was so sudden.  It was a crazy feeling.  Of course, I didn't think once about buying or eating it but it sure took all my attention for a second.


Albert has been helping me do the juicing the last few days and I enjoy doing it together. Plus its a lot of work and a lot of clean up.  He pretty much just takes over which is very welcomed, juicing is a pain in the ass.

My sister is here from Oregon and we spent the day together.  I missed my sister and although we didn't do much I really enjoyed having her around.  She will be here for 3 more weeks which I am very happy about. I learned that she has done some fasting herself! Finally someone who can understand.

I spent some time with my friend Vicki today as well.  I didn't realize how far behind I was with all the wedding stuff.  These health issues have really taken a lot of time from me.  Hopefully this fast will really help me be on my way to completely being healed from ALL of it and can now move forward.  A few more tests and medications, and if no unpleasant surprises or news show up it should only be a few more weeks.  I will be glad to put this chapter behind me.


I had planned on weighting myself today since its Day 5 but I'm tired and I don't feel like it.  I'll do it tomorrow.  The weight really isn't all that important although I do expect to lose some and the more the merrier but it isn't my motivation. Although,  I do have to admit that if I don't lose much weight I will be disappointed.

On that note... I will be glad to eat again!

I'm half way there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Juice Fast Day 4 : It's not getting easier!

Well it's not terrible difficult like I thought it would be.  Compared to what I thought it would be it has been rather easy.  However, the cravings taunt me.   I can be driving or talking to someone and some kind of food just pops into my head.  Something no where in site or had nothing to do with conversation. It's totally out of the blue.

I'm not sure if I shared what I put in my juices.  I really don't drink as much as I think I should be drinking but I have no desire to drink them.  I even have to remind myself to drink water.  I strain my juice again after being juiced in order to remove any extra pulp) My juicing consists of  Apples, Pears, Kiwi, Blueberry, Carrots, Celery, Broccoli, Cabbage, Spinach, Ginger, Garlic, Parsley, Cucumber, Lemon, and Beet.  Now doesn't that sound delicous....... We'll its not!   It's terrible!  I dilute it with water and probably drink about 32oz a day.

There are still lots of body aches and pains but the headache has mostly gone.

I can't believe I still have 6 more days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!